Feeling really down again. How to be happy?

Hi all. Sorry for posting (again!) Just find this such a supportive environment.

I've just got back from holiday and I vowed to myself I was going to make a lot of changes and try and get my problems in check. As I had a lot of time to think on the holiday it allowed me to realise a bit more what makes me happy and what doesn't.

Anyway I've come back and I feel worse than ever. As I've written about before I also suffer from ocd and social anxiety, worrying about rejection, low self esteem and being abandoned etc. At the moment I just hate my life and really want it to change but I just feel so lacklustre and down and really need some help.

Firstly, I'm unemployed and I'm doing a masters degree which I hate. I feel under a lot of pressure to get it finished and don't really have enough time. I want to be employed and earn some money, as I worry about my financial situation a lot. I'm worried if I do rubbish in my masters I will not be able to get a job reference or a job even. Even the job hunting process fills me with fear because I am so terrified of being rejected so asking for references etc is a massive challenge.

Something else that bothers me is my weight. I had previously lost almost 2 stone and since starting on my new birth control plus the holiday I've put back on almost all of it. I've signed up to slimming world but worried it won't work because of the tablets. I'm also feeling terribly guilty as my mum (who's financial situation isn't that great itself) is having to pay for all my food and slimming world is not that cheap. This leaves me feeling stressed out and guilty.

Even my hobbies have to be funded by dad. I literally cannot afford to do anything by myself. If it weren't for my parents id have to sit at home in a slump. Any money spending makes me feel anxious but if I don't I feel guilty for being reliant on other people.

Despite this my dad is quite grumpy and negative, he's also been quite controlling especially with the masters, he's told me I have to finish it. This is because he has helped fund it and spent a lot of money on it he also doesnt believe in mental health problems and tells me that its annoying that i have them. (He literally said that... And that I should just think logically and snap out of it!) due to family stuff my mum has also been having a tough time (my grandad on that side passed away last year and there's been some stuff with illness and things) the negative surroundings is not helping my mood at all. It makes me feel really low and under pressure.

The contamination ocd is also really getting me down as well as my never ending quest to find my identity, And being too nervous to talk to anyone due to worrying they won't like me. I'm just a nervous wreck and I feel like I'm wasting my life because I'm not happy and haven't been for a while.

I don't know if part of this is all due to the birth control pills. I'm having other side effects like my hair is coming out and I have spots, greasy skin etc. The weight gain could also be due to this but also because of feeling low I've comfort ate a lot. I feel terrible but have no motivation to do anything as I just feel in a slump. I can't even be bothered to look after myself really.

The only thing that I'm happy with in my life is my partner. He perks me up and I don't feel as confused or concerned about my identity when I'm with him. But because he's the only thing I truly like about my life I'm worried about losing him as I don't know what I would do without him. This makes me feel even worse. I don't really know what he sees in me especially now I'm gaining weight rapidly. Last night I even told him I was worried he'd leave me if I contracted hep c (one of the things I'm worried about from my contamination ocd!) And he didn't really ease my fears. He said he wouldn't but I didn't believe him.

I just feel at my wits end. I've had bad experiences with most doctors with regards to mental health. Aside from one. I would like to see her but there is often a long wait to get an appointment with her. Plus I get so so nervous going in and talking about mental health. I'm due therapy soon and must be near the top of the waiting list.

I just don't know how to cope as things are getting really quite bad. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I didn't know where else to write this post.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You're not alone. It's good you're going to therapy soon. You need support right now. Also please post here when you feel like it so we can support you as well. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist to see if medication could give you some relief? Sending big hugs.

Hello. Thank you so much for your lovely words! They do help! I was on citalopram for the anxiety but came off of it when I started the birth control because I was worried about taking too many hormones, and also was struggling to afford the medication. It also seemed to mess with my cycles a little bit that could just because of anxiety.

I don't really know how it works here in the UK as we tend to visit our GPs before anything else! I had to self refer to a service for therapy and they've never suggested seeing a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Just a therapist specifically trained in cbt but they can't give out meds or prescribe them I don't think!

I've booked an appointment with my doctor for a few weeks time and come off the birth control. Hoping to chat to her about everything and come up with a resolution regarding the low mood and contraception.

I hope it goes well with the doctor Keep us updated

Thanks fuzzybear I feel so emotional today your post nearly made me cry! *hugs*