Good to be back! :) (actually,not good but....you get it!)

Hello everyone.I am back here on Psych Central after a very long break(more than a year).i started posting here back in the spring of 2016,when my depressing mood was at full swing.

I am posting again to tell you what changes I made in my life and consequently how I changed.For those interested about my story,I made some threads you can acces.I think you can find them while searching my profile here.

Although you may not belive this,given the nature of this place,the last year(meaning the period between my last posts and today,roughly equivalent to the final days of 11th grade through now,a month from beginning college) was pretty decent(if not downright great).

Got over my crush(and the minor heartbreak I got after learning she chose another after gently rejecting me)and I was able to focus more on my school work and future.It was a pretty stressful period and I still had the blues from time to time.

Started to self learn the piano.I live in a small town in Romania,so there wasn't any decent choice in a piano teacher.Always loved the piano and learning to play it seemed like a dream coming to reality.My god,I was very wrong.Almost a year of playing now,but more on that later.

Started working out again(I think I failed to mention that I was working out when I told my story).My weight has always been the biggest insecurity I had(either that or my penis size)so I started working out again with some protein shakes supplement to gain some weight before going to college.And i did gain some,though not as much as I had hoped.If I thought about this earlier,perhaps things might have been different.I took a break about 3 weeks ago because I simply was not motivated enough to continue(only gained about 3 kg in about 7 or 8 months of going to the gym)I am thinking about going back to the gym for this last month to at least regain the muscle tone I lost from weeks of inactivity.Still have about 1 kg of GFX(protein powder).

I got accepted to college.Not a great achievement given the fact that 90%percent of my friends and acquaintaces got accepted to a some college or another.So in october I will be moving in Bucharest with my brother(4th year in med school)

Started thinking less about what people think of me and how my friends feel about me and just enjoying myself.

So thats what I have been doing.And maybe that is enough for me to post here about.But that is not why.Been feeling low lately,not more than usual,but still enough to meditate.I don't know if I had depression and cured it,or even if I had depression in the first place.I dont understand my feelings.Thing is,there is always something that bothers me,and all of those together take a toll on me.

It's true that I had it rough in the past for a couple of years,and now I have new concerns and new hurts.Firstly,the piano...Now,I know that mastering an instrument like that takes a huge amount of work and determination and a lot of practice,every time I make a mistake, I get horribly unmotivated and very discouraged.I am always dissatisfied with my progress(though I can't deny that there is some)and I get mental breakdowns frequently.I make mistakes while playing quite frequent and I am working on avoiding and correcting them,but the amount of things I still have to learn is staggering.When I watch online peers playing or other pianist playing so beautiful,I get motivated to practice,but also very diacouraged because I think that I will never reach this level.

I know I work out for nothing.I am not extraordinary popular,though I have enough friends and I know a decent amount of people,and there are many who know me.I never had a girlfriend though I tried a bit.I am very shy.I feel very lonely from that point of view.So I am working out to better my social status.Yet my progress will be lost,so will my gained weight,probably.My family doesn t care or approve of protein shakes so I can't take while at college.Nor will I be able to go to gym,because I am shy and dont want to search for a new place to be judged by all the muscular guys.

The appartament where I am going to live has lower standards of comfort than a poor peasant's house from Vaslui,a very poor area in my country.Though my god mother promised that I shan't be disappointed when the renovations are done.

I dont own a real piano.I am from a middle class romanian family,but that is equivalent to a lower to middle class by western europeean standards.It s not like we don t have the money,it s just that we have a lot of expenses(and now me and my brother are students)and the money could be spent elsewhere.I die a little every time I think about not affording a decent piano or keyboard

And lastly,I am veeery scared about going to college.I am afraid I won't fit in,I am afraid that I won't be liked and I won't make friends,I am afraid I will be isolated and a loner with a history of depressing moods..

Welcome back

I kind of feel that it's not my place to speak, being a complete failure in many of those areas (and I'm much older), but I'm currently of the opinion that those Youtube videos of musicians are some of the worst things for a self-taught student. They essentially only appear at the top of the search results because those people are in the top 1% of natural talent, favorable circumstances, etc. And you'd start feeling good about yourself only if you immediately began practicing like a professional, obsessed musician, and I don't even know if that's your eventual goal. A much healthier environment would be to compare yourself to a group of peers of similar ability and circumstances. Or yourself from the past... I'm not sure myself from the past would agree with these ideas, but I'm pretty confident that science does.

Welcome back. Just wanted you to know I support you and sympathize. You have a lot on your plate right now. My daughter just started college as well so I can understand some of your anxiety. Everything will be ok. Hang in there. You'll be comfortable and enjoying college life before you know it. Sending big hugs.

Hello

You can always just work out for yourself. I don't have anyone else to do it for either. But I keep at the exercise for my own health and to help regulate my moods. Anything else is extra benefits.

I know how the shyness keeps you from even searching, but I'd really suggest trying places at least once. You don't have to commit. Just go and look at least. I don't know what it's like in Romania, but here in Canada I go to a local community centre to join classes. It's cheaper and there aren't any judgemental types or show-offs.

Hello and thanks for replying.I respect your opinon and you are right that my goal is not to practice like an obsessed musician.I don't want to be the best or extraordinary,I just want to be a good decent player.Maybe I am one,but I'm always criticising my playing to the point of thinking that i am terrible.

Comparing myself with peers of similar ability is not possible since I dont know any begginer nor can I find any online.And I am sure that all the pianists that i see online are not necessarely from that 1%,though some I am sure that they are.

Thank you.I shall try to keep a positive mind.I will be able to do so....at least for a while.

Thank you for the reply.I expect that things are pretty much the same here as in Canada,at least in the gym area.It s true that I should keep working out for health,but I never thought that way.I'm just always worrying about what others think of me..