[Fufinha]

I have suffered all my life from constant bouts of deep depresion. I started already bad in life as I was born In family without love.I have a very lonely childhood, plagued with physical and physicological abused. I never received a kiss or a hug when I was little, I was only beatenup and call horrible things.

Love gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Without love, we just go adrift in life, we are just robots in a meaningless routine. I was brought up without love as i suffered physical and psychological abuse*when i was a child. I remember being, 7 years old sitting in a corner, covered in bruises, the blood running through my face and saying to myself " Be strong, when day there will be love" As you see life hasn't improved.*
*
There was time when i had love. When my brother was with me. He made me so happy. But he was brutally taken away from me, Killed in a terrorist attack.

When i was 20 years old i had a boyfriend. This was the first time in life I experienced love. First time i had a kiss or a hug in life. What a feeling!! after 4 years we broke up. Back*then i was so young to settled down, i had to live and explored the world. He is still for me one of the best persons i have ever *met in life.
*
Then in 2000, I met my second boyfriend.He was so much in love with me, he adored me and*I loved him deeply.*He sitll remain*the most important person in my life. I learn immensely with and from him. But then,I was the most stupid person ever.I behaved very bad with him and consequentely, he broke up with me. I was boderline at that time.

This break up together with the brutal killing of my loved brother brought devastation to my life. I plunged into the darkest time of life, a very deep depresson and in 2005 unable to cope with the pain, i tried to kill myself. I survived. I got a few friends scattered around the goble with love me so much.I swallowed lots of antidepressants and get on with life as could*But life would never being the same again.
*
I moved back to my home city in 2007, and made thru the years, *without excitment, just stupid inertia that push you thru life,*with not reason, with not purpose. Back in 2013 an accident, a very lonely, isolated and extremely absurd boring, dead-end job that absorbed most of my waking hours, plunged me back to deep bottom of depression.

My family doctor was a very compasionate man who quickly spot my situation and sent me into psychiatric treatment.More depression pills, endless sessions of therapy....that didnt go anywhere. The therapist coudnt see the real cause,she didn’t want to help me.I know the solution to my problem,*love. And I know I had to leave my city to find it.
*
After taking a year off from work due to depression,when*i returned, they fired me. i didn't mind.Finally i was free to pursue the search of love.*
*
Then in Portugal i met this very flamboyant Dutch man. Finally!!! Love was at my door!!!. From the very first moment, I realise he was a boderline, a acute case of boderline personality and from the very moment i knew, he will *be problematic*but I gave him the chance. Many times he was difficult, but he was also adorable and loving. Love doesn't cross your door everyday so I left everything and I went to stettled in his country.There I was, in a strange country, without anything but at least love, of the ilusion of love. I tried as hard as I could to stay in this country with him. After 3 years together. One day, he dissapeared. In a messenger chat, he said : I dont want to be with you. Never heard anything from him.
*
I am now as where i was in in 2013. Completely alone in a foreign country but nowhere else to go. Nobody gives you jobs atmy age.
*
Love is not an option for me. I know now, none will ever love me. Love is not for me. I dont deserve love.Maybe im not capabable of loving myself. ey...It is not true, it is love inside me, but nobody wants my love.*When I had love, back in 2000 with my second boyfriend, I didn't look after, I didn't nurture his*love. I *sabotaged that love, my only chance of love, my true love. Now, life or God is punishing me for a life without love. it is the price i have to pay.
*
Love is life. Love connects you to the world and to other human beings.
*
Love is the solution. Love is not for me. Loneliness kill you slowly. A life without love is harsh.*
Withouth Love is only death. Death is the only thing left to me.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You have experienced love before and will again. I still think therapy could help you. Have you considered getting a pet. I love my pets very much and they love me back. They instinctively know when I'm having a hard time and cuddle. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central

[Fufinha]

Thks again guys for your support. Unfortunately, i dont like pets. I know now Love will never happen to me again

[MissCathryn]

Love will happen again for you!! You are blessed to have had 2 wonderful (although rocky at times) relationships.

Loving yourself is the first step. I have not been in a relationship in over 5 years bc I knew I had to help myself first. Focus on yourself, your work, your positive qualities. I know what it's like to be borderline and be without a relationship. It is even more difficult for us bc we need that sense of stability.

Look at DBT, counseling and meds. They can all work wonders.

God bless