Recurring depression and other

hi
I am in recovery from addiction, an eating disorder, self harm, and deal with anxiety and depression. At different times or in hospitals I've been diagnosed with personality disorders but I don't know if the professionals I see now agree with those diagnoses.

I feel like I'm slipping back into a depressive episode. I'm becoming very bitter towards the world and people in general and mostly feel like humankind is inherently bad and evil. The bitter/negative view is not really why I think I'm going back into depression but it's grown over the years and just increases as more episodes pass. I just don't know how to keep on being hopeful when depression keeps on coming back. I haven't been able to hold a full time job; I change my mind all the time about what I want to do with my life. I'm not good at talking to people, I have to worry about money all the time and I'm not financially independent, I have no really close friends and quite often seem to lose friends - and unsure if that's because of how I am or how they are.

I go to therapy, I go to twelve step meetings and work a program, and I am on medication. I am getting worried that I'm going to run out of meds to change to. I've been on a lot of different medications, and mostly when I get depressed my psychiatrist just encourages me to go into hospital because I start acting very irrationally. Just feel extremely tired thinking about the possibility of changing meds or dealing with another depressive episode. I've been having terrible anxiety recently and other symptoms that I just push to the back of my mind. I see little things, like things moving when they're not, and have heard things when there's nothing to hear, but I've literally pushed it down so much it's been incorporated into my daily life and happens daily without me batting an eyelid. Part of me is scared that this will get worse but I'm embarrassed to talk about it. I just really feel exhausted by the prospect of facing more ups and downs.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I sympathize. Hopefully you aren't going back into a depressive episode. Sending big hugs.

You are dealing with a lot. You seem to be doing all the "right" things. I hope it gets better for you and not worse. All you can do is keep trying and reaching out. Since you don't agree with your diagnosis--are you able to change your therapist and/or psychiatrist?

Sorry to hear you're struggling.

thanks for the support guys.
re the diagnosis - i don't disagree or agree. I don't actually know what I'm diagnosed with at the moment or if a diagnosis is even relevant. With being in twelve step fellowships the vibe is always that you'll find your meaning and feel at home finally, but I honestly don't feel at home anywhere, and I feel empty a lot of the time, and even plodding on with doing the next right thing when my instincts go the other way, it doesn't change the way I feel. At the moment I'm pretty broke financially (incredibly fortunate that my parents help me with mental health costs) so I'm limited in what I can do and even how far I can drive, but all the time I just find myself trying to get out of the house to find somewhere I'll feel more at home, but it's in my head. There is an underlying feeling of panic about being trapped in this feeling of not being safe in my own room and not being safe anywhere.

12 steps is a good program but it is not right for everyone. It is harder to get well when your financial situation limits the help you can get (but not impossible--this forum is free and it helped me). Keep posting your progress. It also helped me to see how others here dealt with similiar challenges. HUGS.