[MtnTime2896]

Even with my olanzapine kicking in, I still can't sleep. I'm thinking about a childhood friend of mine. Someone who was my friend when I didn't have anybody else. Someone who everyone knew was going places in life. I found out yesterday that he took his life last month. I can't stop thinking about him. My memories of early childhood are foggy and fragmented, to say the least. I do remember some things, though. Mostly just us playing wrestling and other stuff. I'm trying to remember his features and his voice. I'm trying but it's so out of reach. I hadn't spoken to him or his family in years, and still, I can't wrap my head around all of this.

I also can't sleep with my mom in the hospital. She's looking a lot better than when she was admitted yesterday. They're fixing her up and she should be good to go home tomorrow. I don't know if any of you remember the thread I posted a week or so ago (linked at the bottom if you want more detail). It was about how I had to die for the people I love to live. And not in a figurative/metaphorical way. It's pretty literal. Well, those thoughts are back. They're strong. And they won't shut up. With my childhood friend passing, it's only making everything more intense. It's my job to take care of my family. What if my mind's right? What if me being alive is killing the people I love?

https://forums.psychcentral.com/depr...hing-else.html

It is a fact of life that it is hurtful to most parents to see their child suffer. This is not your fault, rather, it is more like a tragedy. From what you have said, you were effected by some abuse (which was not your fault, you were a kid) plus some terrible life events. Your mom still loves you and wants things to get better for you. I bet she still enjoys being with you. When you are gone, that will NOT ease her pain or extend her life. If you were gone she would miss you!

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

It is a fact of life that it is hurtful to most parents to see their child suffer. This is not your fault, rather, it is more like a tragedy. From what you have said, you were effected by some abuse (which was not your fault, you were a kid) plus some terrible life events. Your mom still loves you and wants things to get better for you. I bet she still enjoys being with you. When you are gone, that will NOT ease her pain or extend her life. If you were gone she would miss you!

I want to believe that. I really do. My rational thought and "instincts" are at war right now. My olanzapine keeps me pretty docile, though. Instead of doing anything, I'm just not moving and staring off into the distance. Just looking for something that can tell me what to do about all of this.

Thanks for being here, Hoping. You're a good friend.