At a loss

I've been having the burden of not being able to find a place to put out my story and hopefully get new contacts, for some time now. I've been browsing a lot all that time and so I ended up here. So here it goes.

Currently I am 17(F), things started to go wrong very earlier on. I was the youngest child of 4 kids. Because I am the youngest I grew up always getting blamed for what the others did, like stealing and my parents always sided with them. Besides that I got mentally and physically abused by my parents. However as I grew older(10) that somewhat stopped, the worst incident is when my head got hit into a window which ended up bleeding, luckily that left no scar.

I've never really been happy, always wondered what exactly was the point of life. From the start I was always different than the people around me, I never fit in. Which is the reason why I got bullied, the school never did anything about it nor was the education good so I was placed into a different elementary school.

Things went a lot better on this school and time past by relatively peaceful, besides some annoying people that nobody liked. around the time I was getting close to leaving elementary school, I met this wonderful guy. My first love and the only person to have made it possible for me to feel true happiness. Sadly, I lost contact with him, even still now.

It was time for me to enter high school, I knew nobody there so I had a hard time getting settled in. Pretty early on I noticed I did'nt exactly fit in, people found me very weird and didn't want anything to do with me. Which left me to feel pretty lonely and unwanted. Until 1,5 year later this one girl reached out and became my best friend. A year went by and I noticed I've gotten to feel very depressed. Which is around the time I got depression diagnosed, I got therapy for it but it never helped. The therapist couldn't really help me, so we decided to stop the treatment.

In that mean time I had a relationship, but that fell apart duo to my suicidal thoughts. Over time I only grew more and more depressed and started treatment with another therapist. Then this guy(ex 2) reached out to me, he messed a lot with my head and manipulated me. He at first made me feel heard, like I wasn't by myself anymore. But once I gave him a chance for a relationship that quickly changed, he played with my mind in a way that I felt guilty for being who I am. He downgraded me, but I was still blinded. All along he was just trying to get into my pants, but since that wasn't working he left. Some time after I met another guy(ex 3), I was totally in love with him. However after a few months he suddenly dissapeared. But to me something seemed fishy and it turned out he was cheating. He techinally left me but never broke up because he is a coward.

I often would talk about my struggle to my best friend, but at some point she told me she couldn't handle my problems aside from hers, she left and haven't really heard from her since. In the last part of my time on this school I've had another relationship that damaged me a lot. In the beginning the guy(ex 4) was so great but he slowly changed into an arrogant inconsiderate person with a complicated family. His family snooped around his account reading the convo's I had with him (note that he was still very sweet at this time). They saw I said I didn't like his family and that I think they treat him bad, obviously I didn't say it in those words but you get the idea. His family confronted me with it, I knew I had done something bad and didn't run away from the responsability and apologized sincerly. However to them it didn't matter what I had to say anymore and forced a break up upon us, but we secretly stayed together. After that it was that he changed into a complete different person. We had a on off relationship for about a year, until I couldn't stand it anymore and left him. Even though still today we talk to each other, but have a very complicated relationship. He had made a lot of promises he never kept, so I was hurt he'd lie to me he'd keep the next promise he made- and broke it. While we were together I'd tell him to get help, since he too was having some struggles, or I'd leave him. He would always tell me he would get help- just to make me stay because he never did get help. He was toying with my feelings towards him and manipulated my trust. This whole relationship was a rollercoaster that messed me up quite a lot.

After everything that happened, so many failed relationships, losing my best friend and not fitting in on school. I fell so far into my depression that I had stopped going to school and barely ate for several weeks. I ended up doing self harm. My school and dad managed to drag me to school and try continue but without success. I had crashed again so we made the decision to try succeed with less subjects, which I somehow managed. The deal was for me to succeed the other subjects the next year. However plans changed a lot when ex 2 spread pictures of me around, I was horrified and ashamed to the point I couldn't leave my house anymore. My dad and school managed to figure out that wasnt going around school so I picked up my education again. However I crashed again, duo to my depression. Around this time my therapist had an idea of what was wrong with me other than my depression, but not really sure of how to help me I got send to a clinic with my approval, where I lived for about a month. However that didn't change anything aside from them having the same idea on my new diagnose: Autism Spectur Disorder(ASD). I have a ASD education group I'm part of now. Getting to know more about ASD, my life got to finally make sense. There were so many times people said I'm weird. I'm not weird, I'm just different. But honestly knowing I have ASD I feel as if I'm broken and it does for sure cause me a lot of problems in my every day life.

We were looking for a way for me to be able to be educated after all that happened. We found a special education, which I am following now. I am a few months in, but I've already crashed again.
For a year of not having had education I lived in denial of having ASD. (Mainly because I never got informed about what it signs are and only knew of the sterotype).
As for now, I'm feeling very lonely and not understood by the people around me. I'm struggling a lot every day to pull myself together and honestly I don't know what I'm doing it all for, I don't exactly see a future for myself. But I'd feel better if I could find some people to connect with.

Welcome to PC. Hope you find some of what you are looking for here. There are plenty of wonderful people here who might be able to give you some good advice. Hang in there.