[Septembersrain]

I've got a heart condition, DID, fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. I've failed more than one suicide attempt.

My friend and two of her daughters died at the church shooting. I feel so much anger that such an amazing friend, mother, wife and person along with two innocents died.

The funeral is next week and I wish I could take their place. It's like I'm mad at the world and sad at the same time. Why them? Why couldn't I trade their fate?

I'm feeling guilt that even though I've wanted to die so long, I'm still here and they aren't. What do I do now? How can I stop the pain?

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Septembersrain

I've got a heart condition, DID, fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. I've failed more than one suicide attempt.

My friend and two of her daughters died at the church shooting. I feel so much anger that such an amazing friend, mother, wife and person along with two innocents died.

The funeral is next week and I wish I could take their place. It's like I'm mad at the world and sad at the same time. Why them? Why couldn't I trade their fate?

I'm feeling guilt that even though I've wanted to die so long, I'm still here and they aren't. What do I do now? How can I stop the pain?

Group hug::sad hug::group hug

[Septembersrain]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Group hug::sad hug::group hug

Thank you. I'm trying to just keep going. One day at a time...

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Septembersrain

I've got a heart condition, DID, fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. I've failed more than one suicide attempt.

My friend and two of her daughters died at the church shooting. I feel so much anger that such an amazing friend, mother, wife and person along with two innocents died.

The funeral is next week and I wish I could take their place. It's like I'm mad at the world and sad at the same time. Why them? Why couldn't I trade their fate?

I'm feeling guilt that even though I've wanted to die so long, I'm still here and they aren't. What do I do now? How can I stop the pain?

Honest answer?
You keep living.
Nothing ever stops the pain - you just learn to push through it and carry on anyway, like you do with a lifelong injury.

The guilt will ease though. That takes time. It also takes looking at it "through the glasses of reality" - meaning you have to pick it apart. Analyze it truthfully.
What could you have done to change it?
I will assume your instant answer: go to the church
Next I would ask how would you know in enough time to protect them that the shooter will shoot?
Now - if you change it up and say "I would go in place of them n they would have stayed at home"
I would ask - How would you have gotten them to stay home? Why would you have tried (you would not have known of the shooter yet)? Why would they have wanted to stay home?

Once you look at it through the glasses of reality - you will still be in denial "yea but there had to have been some way...something.." That stage will take awhile.

Then you will most likely be flat out mad - at everything n everyone.

At some point - you will just despair.

All of this is grief. There is no order to the stages. Don't ridicule yourself for it. Just allow it to happen. We all grieve in our own way at our own pace. Just make sure you remain healthy n do not turn homicidal or suicidal. If you feel any of those things - seek help immediately.

I am truly sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it from you. Please take care n be good to yourself. ❤