[Kote]

For the past month or so I felt like my old self, happy, engaged with the world, just feeling good. Maybe it was the holidays. I love spending time with my family and I knew I was going to see them on Thanksgiving & Christmas. Maybe it was work. December is our busiest time of the year so I was regularly working 12 hours a day plus 8 on Saturdays so I didn't have time or was too exhausted to focus on the negative thoughts. Who knows.

All I know is that last night we were having dinner and I looked at my dad. Really looked at him. He's getting older. He's nearly 60 and still works his tail off every day including holidays. My mom is the same, except she's in a union so she gets holidays off. I make more money than my mom & until recently I was also making more money than my dad but I've never once heard them complain & that makes me feel like I'm ungrateful or something. They're immigrants who came here to have a better life for their eventual family & I feel like I'm letting them down by having this crappy job instead of getting a degree & working in an office with great pay or something. They've both told me they don't care about that but I can't stop my feelings.

They're both healthy but you never know what can happen & if one or both suddenly pass, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. Or how I'm going to afford our house. Or take care of my younger siblings. They all have jobs but they're teenagers who work part time & don't make very much. I'm sure they'd pitch in but I don't want to put that burden on them or make them feel like they can't go to school because we'll need the money. I know this is a hypothetical situation but it's probably the one I think about the most.

I want to start studying coding to start a career instead of the crappy job I have but it's hard. It's hard to find motivation to start. It's hard to feel like an idiot because you don't understand what you've done, even after you've done it. It's hard to start from the beginning again because you had to stop after a week because you were exhausted from working long hours for a month straight. It's hard to start because what if I'm not good at it? It'll just be another thing I failed at. And I'm tired of failing.

My depression isn't as bad as it was 2 or 3 months ago but it's slowly creeping up on me and I'm terrified. Terrified of feeling that way again. It was one of the most difficult things I've dealt with in my entire life & I really don't want to feel (or have a lack of feelings) that way again. I just want to stay home and snuggle up with my dogs & watch videos of my dog that died in September until I cry myself to sleep a lot of the time.

Finally, I'll end with some words from Dan Harmon about how he deals with depression that help me out when I remember to read them. Thanks for letting me vent, I know this was a long one.

"For One: Admit and accept that it’s happening. Awareness is everything. We put ourselves under so much pressure to feel good. It’s okay to feel bad. It might be something you’re good at! Communicate it. DO NOT KEEP IT SECRET. Own it. Like a hat or jacket. Your feelings are real. Two: try to remind yourself, over and over, that feelings are real but they aren’t reality. Example: you can feel like life means nothing. True feeling. Important feeling. TRUE that you feel it, BUT...whether life has meaning? Not up to us. Facts and feelings: equal but different. The most important thing I can say to you is please don’t deal with it alone. There is an incredible, miraculous magic to pushing your feelings out. Even writing “I want to die” on a piece of paper and burning it will feel better than thinking about it alone. Output is magical. Dark thoughts will echo off the walls of your skull, they will distort and magnify. When you open your mouth (or an anonymous journal or blog or sketchpad), these thoughts go out. They’ll be back but you gotta get em OUT. Vent them. Tap them. I know you don’t want to but try it."

[refractedlight]

Harmon's words are interesting. I like the idea of expressing on a piece of paper "I want to die" and setting it on fire. But I find expressing my suicidal thoughts to people only brings me grief. I wish it weren't that way.

I'm sorry that you feel the creep. It is indeed a terrifying feeling. I feel it physically, oftentimes deep in my chest. Other times in my limbs. Other times it's a prickling of fear.

Not pat words from me. It's an awful place to be. Sometimes that's all I want to know--that I'm not the only one that lives in fear of it coming back. That I'm not the only one who carries that fear around with her all the time.

[Kote]

I'm sorry that expressing your thoughts brings you grief. My younger sister also deals with depression so when I share my feelings of wanting to die, she understands. I only brought up my feelings of wanting to die with my mom once, and I don't think I'll do it again although she was very supportive. I just don't want to see her face & watch her cry like she did again. It truly broke my heart. I still cry with her & tell her if I'm feeling good or bad though.

I'm sorry you feel it physically. I can't imagine. Mine is more in my brain. It's a spark of a thought & then I'm off down the rabbit hole.

Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling into a void but knowing that over people feel the way I do helps me out.