[Trinith]

It's been 6 months and I don't think I'm ever going to stop feeling a sick lurch in my gut when I get home and he's not at the door waiting for me, purr already rolling in his throat. I just can't process it, the whole apartment feels wrong. I still tap the ground when I feel a panic attack coming on, and i'm still surprised for a second when he doesn't come running. I expect to see him around the corner or on the bed, shedding all over everything, in 7 years we've never been apart for longer than maybe 3-4 days a couple times. It had been a very long several years and things were finally calming down.

The word cancer still makes me a little lightheaded. My stomach drops and my ears tune out for a second. He was 9, I was 23, we were both too young for that. And at the end of it all, I only had 4 days to figure out how to breathe again before I had another cat in the emergency room with neurological issues (thankfully resolved now, after several specialist visits).

This is the first time in 7 years that I've had to deal with my depression without him, and it's dipping fast. I don't have a will to live without him, he was my everything. I don't know where to go from here, I feel too...... lost, gutted. It's all I can do to smile at work, and get through a full time schedule.

I'm not suicidal, but I wish I was. I feel trapped here, with nothing to look forward to but 40+ years of depression and....... hopelessness, life throwing me one dumpster fire after another. Nothing to look forward to, but too afraid of failure to attempt to throw it away.

If I could just... lay down and sleep though. Until it finally, finally doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.

[Skeezyks]

I am sorry you are hurting. Big hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

[Fuzzybear]

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Trinith ))))))

So sorry for the loss.


WC