Sick of myself.

Years and years of putting off my feelings. "I'll grow out of it", "it's just hormones", the infamous "i'll do better next year". I'm tired of people saying that just because I'm 17 (18 soon) my feelings are completely invalid.

I've been completely unstable since I was a kid. Even called bipolar by my own mom. Not surprising since my home life sucked and I was always the weird one in school. It got even worse over the years, as the intensity of my bullying worsened every year, especially since 9th grade. I feel so empty and zoned out. My relationships (romantic and friendly) have all been unstable. I just always come off either too strong, or too distant.

I've felt unable to love anyone - well. I either become really attached, or don't care at all. I barely even understand the concept of "being my own person". I've always copied others, and still do. I just buy a bunch of things to fit a certain image, just to gain the attention of others. But it's not like I'll ever have or keep a friend. A year ago, I even signed up for multiple dating sites just to find people to have sex with.

Not only do I constantly lie to others, but I lie to myself. I'm a complete mess. Nothing's improved. I never change. I'm just so tired of it. I have a constant. I don't sleep. I thought college would be a fresh start for me. But nope. :l I still struggle in school, not just socially, but academically from my constant absent-mindedness, lack of motivation, and my horrible reading comprehension. I just suck all around.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Have you considered going to a therapist or a psychiatrist to get some help with this? Thinking of you.

I also wonder if you have considered therapy-you've been through a lot. If you are not able to go to therapy, there are a lot of good articles on the home page that can help you sort some things out. I hope things will get easier for you