[AHeartOfRuby]

I knew that many of my family members on both sides are suffering from depression. I also know that it is extremely hereditary and I see it a lot in my elder sister. My problem is that the depression that my parents both have is the kind that causes a lot of rage and emotional abuse and it's been triggering my own possible depression. The difference...

Rarely do I ever snap at others and make them feel worthless in order to make myself feel better. Instead, I excert all my energy into making those who are miserable feel better about themselves even if they hurt me because how I'm feeling doesn't matter most of the time. Instead of being unable to get out of bed days at a time I drag myself out of bed in fits of anger and tears knowing that morally I have no other option. I am a straight A student right now, and while this may seem like a good thing. I'm miserable. I have no true friends anymore because nobody can "deal with" my sudden episodes of self doubt and the abusive nature of my parents. Most days I find myself internally inquiring as to why I've held on so long... and then I realize that I am scared of death, scared of accepting the cool grey tones that make up the space in my heart.

Yet, if you ask anyone who knows me I am to them an "inspiration" and an "optimist" because that is the image I portray. My parents won't let me get help. They're in denial of not only my depression but theirs and they are the last people I could see helping me get treated.. one more year and I'll be old enough to get it for myself. Today I was finally able to say "yes" when asked if I ever felt "depressed".

I want to get through this. But I don't know how. I'm so overwhelmed right now. And I can't sleep. I'm sorry.

[Nike007]

I personally don’t have high functioning depression anymore, but I used to. I would just cope with all this sadness within me. I still did everything normally but everything was awful and didn’t care about any of it.

I would say to get help now, but you are stating this isn’t an option for you? Are you able to do free stuff online in the mean time, or by a self-help book without your parents knowing? There are free CBT stuff online and plenty of books out there. I can post later some stuff if I have time. I hope you can find the help you need.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yes, buying some books that can help you can be an option. I'm sorry you're struggling

[AHeartOfRuby]

I don't know if I could get away with buying books. I've been searching for apps and such but just haven't found the right one for me... my school counselors have tried getting me therapy through my parents but nothing good came out of it, my parents just yelled at me for making my school think I'm "crazy".

[DesigningWoman]

You might go to a bookstore or library and read there. Usually there is free WiFi for private online time to access mental health resources.
Take care of you even if your parents don't want you too. You have to be your own top priority. You can't help anyone by lying about how you are doing and how you feel.
Keep talking even if it makes people uncomfortable. Scream if you need to.
I feel for you. I had a pretty similar story. You are not alone. Things get better, I promise.

[AHeartOfRuby]

I want to get better so bad but even though things are going okay for me, great actually, I found myself relapsing into an episode of rage and tears when I went to my room realizing I had forgotten my headphones. And today in school I literally blocked out an entire hour of school going to the wrong class period completely unaware and panicking to teachers because I couldn't find my class. I even almost accidently almost left school an hour early until I caught myself. Then I almost cried.

One the other hand I got an opportunity to go to Harvard university this summer for a convention and it costs a lot of money but I'm going to try and raise it. My dad's unsupportive my mom's determined I trembling at the thought of going. And i passed my temps! But I could hardly celebrate because my dad just threw more onto my pile of stress...

Both my parents have depression plus a lot of my other relatives and yet I still find myself in doubt because that's how I was raised. That depression and anxiety or mental illnesses are just excuses.

I'm so tired.

[kathryn369]

I relate to your story very much. I was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. I heard the doctor tell my father that I needed counseling. He responded, "We'll deal with this at home." It was never mentioned again.

What helped me the most at that time was reading and writing. I read a lot of literature and could identify with the feelings of the characters and could also escape from my situation. And I wrote constantly about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Expressing myself in that way was a great relief.

When I went to college, I started seeing a counselor, and I've had various kinds of treatment since then. I think your awareness is a positive thing, even though your circumstances are so challenging. I hope this community is helpful to you.

[AHeartOfRuby]

Originally Posted by kathryn369

I relate to your story very much. I was hospitalized for depression as a teenager. I heard the doctor tell my father that I needed counseling. He responded, "We'll deal with this at home." It was never mentioned again.

What helped me the most at that time was reading and writing. I read a lot of literature and could identify with the feelings of the characters and could also escape from my situation. And I wrote constantly about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Expressing myself in that way was a great relief.

When I went to college, I started seeing a counselor, and I've had various kinds of treatment since then. I think your awareness is a positive thing, even though your circumstances are so challenging. I hope this community is helpful to you.

I love to write too! I write poetry and I listen to punk rock to keep me sane. When my parents were told I needed counseling they laughed in my face even when I was caught self harming. So many people have promised to get me help but never have and so I've just been getting worse.. I don't know how to change my basement bedrock heart into a cotton candy cloud of positivity... despite all the good coming from my success in life I'm seriously miserable. I've never been hospitalized or medicated or really helped at all despite silent acknowledgement of my problems. Or being told by school counselors that I'm on the brink of insanity... if they really thought I was you'd think they'd get me help despite my family's ignorance? I'm planning on getting help when I graduate but I'm going to relapse.

Psych central is so much better than the other apps I've used nobody is rude to me or tells me what I already know.. here you guys respect me as a human.