His seasonal depression has kicked in again

My husband had a episode last year and it was when we seemed help from his primary care who prescribed him antidepressants. After 2 months, he was just like a zombie. He didn’t like it so he stopped it and he was back the way he was. We were doing great, until this past Monday his mood just changed completely he didn’t go to work and he said he was feeling down and wants to disappear. I can tell he’s in a lot of pain. He went back to the doctors and got back on medication. He’s shutting me out just like last year. I can tell he feels ashamed. We’re not sleeping in the same bed cause he doesn’t want to see me. Even though he comes home from work everyday, he does not make any eye contact with me only difference this time is that he’s not running away and he’s trying to face it but he doesn’t want me to see him or ask questions. I try to make conversation with him he just doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m trying to give him his space and I’m hoping the medication will start to work soon. I just know he’s trying but I don’t know for how long. What do I do when my spouse doesn’t want my help with anything and shuts me out? Do I wait until he gets out of this episode and then we figure things out? At this point I can’t do or say anything cause he won’t let me.

Your husband & I have a lot in common... except that, in my case, the behaviors he & I share are, in my case, permanent. I'm an older person & no longer working. So we don't have that in common. But I'm pretty-much "down" 24 / 7 & I would give anything to just disappear.

I also experience a lot of psychic pain. But I have shut my wife out permanently. We have sort-of a "don't ask / don't tell policy" going on here. (We do sleep in the same bed though.) My wife has even commented on the fact that I don't look at her. The difference I suppose is that, in my case, my wife really doesn't understand what's going on with me & she really would prefer not to have to deal with it. So that makes it easier for me to just keep it all to myself.

You asked what you should do when your spouse doesn't want your help & shuts you out. I don't know if I really have any particularly insightful answers to that. My inclination, based on my own situation, is to say... do nothing. The fact is that only your husband can do what needs to be done. And having you trying to figure out a way to "find a way into" his mental state may only make matters worse. At least that's the way it would be for me. Let your husband know that you're interested & available to talk / listen anytime he wants to. Perhaps try to find little things to do for him day-to-day that you know, from past experience, he would appreciate. But, beyond that, just "coast". I know that probably feels really uncomfortable. You most likely feel as though you've just got to DO something! However, realistically, my personal perspective is there's probably just not a lot you can do.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of depression in men. These articles seem to present male depression differently from how you are observing it in your husband (& how I have experienced it as well. ) But perhaps there may still be some helpful information within them:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-we...nd-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...sters-for-men/

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can not personally relate to your situation, as I don't have a spouse going through depression, but I myself am going through depression.

For me, it may or may not be seasonal; I don't know.

But in terms of medications, feeling like a zombie on one just may mean that that isn't the right medication. There are different medications do try. Is it possible for your husband to do therapy too? Therapy helps a lot for depression, and studies show that it does help too.

At least for me, I sometimes push people away when I have depression because I feel like a burden to them, and don't want them to feel the same way that I do, and feel that they don't want to hang around sad people. So it's always helpful to say that you are there for him, and that you may not understand the exact state he is in, but that you are willing to listen to him. Just say that every so often.

Other things to help with depression would be like eating healthy, having proper sleeping habits, getting exercise. Many of these things I stop doing because it's a symptom of depression. I tend to eat too much or too little, and sleep too much or too little. I always feel tired so I don't exercise. Is it possible for you and your husband to take a walk around the block everyday? I find that doing something makes me not feel as bad about myself.

The hardest thing for depression with me is getting out of bed. I have no motivation or energy to do things, so is there something you could do like say make/buy his favourite meal, watch his favourite movie, or something that would help motivate him to get out of bed (if this is struggle)? I also tend to lose interest in the things I love, so it may be hard to watch or do these things, as it isn't as exciting as it used to be. But you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Also, if he can't do therapy, there are plenty of self-help books or free worksheets online you can print/download to do. CBT is currently the main therapy used for depression.

I hope some of this helps. The only thing you can do is be there for him.

I have ASD so please be kind if I say something socially unacceptable. Thank you.

Thank you so much for replying. Your insight does help me understand things a little more. I know that I can’t help him and only he can help himself. This year he’s took it upon himself to go to the doctor and go back on medication. He hasn’t brought up seperation which I’m glad. He comes home but still does not want to look me in the eye or talk. I try to make conversation with him but all I get are yes or no answers. I just try let him know that I’m here for him when he’s ready to talk. I don’t force it and he doesn’t see to want to be around me.
My question to you is...do you come back to your old self from time to time? I’ve noticed that he has these feeling during the same time and for 3-4 months and Gradually I see him come back.
I feel as though I can’t talk to him about this until he comes out of this episode.

I do think that he’s pushing me away cause he doesn’t want me to see him like this and he’s ashamed. It’s sad to me that he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about he’s feeling. I do try to ask if he wants to go eat or watch a movie but he doesn’t want to. He’s not even eating the foods that I cook for him but he is eating else where. He is going out in the day time but then comes home and just crashes on the couch.
I’m just glad he’s home and not doing coming home and doing good knows what. I can’t talk to him about adding therapy to his medication at the moment until he hopefully comes out of this episode. I’m actually not even sure if it’s an episode or a permanent condition. It’s all very frustrating cause I do want to get involved in his treatment but he’s not talking to me and I can’t ask him about it. I’m just praying that he can come out of this and it’s only been a week since he took his medication. I know it can take up to 2 weeks to see results.

My experience is that just having my husband nearby was powerful. Knowing that he accepted me was a lifeline but I was desperately trying to find my way back. He was my buoy in a body of water to which I was desperately trying to cling to. He cleared a room so I could have a small, safer feeling place to explore meditation and other things I could study while slowly healing.
Sending loving thoughts your way. ❤️