[Cyran0]

I'm sitting here in my basement office, the tools of my trade ergonomically arranged on shelves and hooks for maximum productivity, and I can't work. I'm supposed to be working on the rewrite of a script but I can't focus enough to read it, much less make improvements. The tears that I never manage to cry are damned up behind my eyes, the ache is heavy like a lead blanket across my shoulders and chest, and it's all I can think about. The implosion of me.

All I can do is this. Writing more or less anonymously about my directionless, self-indulgent, completely irrational depression. I can do this because it requires no imagination. No projection of myself into the mind of an imaginary hero, villain, or hapless victim of my carefully constructed mouse traps. There's just no room in here for them today.

But I have to work. It's how I cope. It is, more precisely, how I avoid feeling this way.

And when I can't work my black mood swells and pulses like an open wound and my hatred for myself and the world that never wanted me bulges, ready to explode through the drywall and windows and tear through the streets with the surreal spectacle of a fire truck speeding off the edge of a cliff.

I want to roast marshmallows on the flaming wreckage when it lands. I want to thumb my nose at anything resembling a God. I want to make the stars fall and the oceans boil.

But the truth is, I can't do anything. I can't even write and I need to be able to work so I don't return to the same mental health online forum three times in the same day because I just can't write today.

And I have so many regrets about today. There were points. Moments. Where I could have gotten so much of this work out of the way and now I'd be reassuring myself with earlier accomplishments.

But no. I painted myself into a corner in the basement, staring at the screen, hating myself for the obsessive self-centered thoughts that I can't cut through with an arbitrary deadline.

I want to scream but, ya know, I'd wake the kids.

Cyran0

(((((((cyran0)))))))

So sorry you feel this way. I dont see depression as being self obsessed, you have an illness....I know what you mean though, I often feel selfISH towards my family for putting them through this, but we are trying are we not, to get better?
Know I am here if you need to pm, I may not give the best advice but I will listen at least. I know how you feel, I hear you, but I cry buckets so I suppose I'm lucky really.
As for writing, it will come back to you. Take a break, go for a walk, dont know where you live, but I often go into the fields where I take the dog and scream and scare the birds and rabbits lol. I need that release....I think I'm mad and so does anyone that hears me I spose....
Take care hon, you will be able to write again, just give yourself a break.

Love, Jinnyann xx

[nowheretorun]

could the villain or superhero have a bad day, a bad moment? could you incorporate you into the writing, release a little, but work as well? your writing is beautiful...

[Cyran0]

It's a good idea but really, I just wasn't thinking clearly. By the time I posted that it was late, I was tired and upset, and I should have had the good sense to get up and walk away.

But I think what was really getting to me was just that I couldn't escape my mood. All my usual distraction techniques weren't working. What I really wanted was peace and I couldn't find it. That I couldn't write was a focus only because it's my usual source of calm.

I'm still a bit raw today but I'm better than last night. I'm a little embarrassed by my post but that's the sort of angst filled, overtly maudlin digression I'm prone to when I'm depressed. It's how every bad poem I've ever written got composed.

Thanks for the kind thoughts and support, both of you.

Cyran0

[sparta21]

I must say, CyranO your description of your imploding self hate/anger was excellently stated. No need for embarassment. You've described exactly how I feel most of the day behind my "I'm just fine" character I put on to go to work. Thank you. Your post has eased my isolation a little.

[Cyran0]

Thank you. That you connected with it makes me feel much better about having written it.

I, for one, hate that "I'm fine" facade but I suppose we all do it. I guess we have to since we'd blow minds if we ever answered the question, "how are you today?"

Cyran0

[Cyran0]

I thought I'd share some good news. I took today off from my day job and focused on my freelance work (the writing). Early in the day I couldn't do it but eventually my dark mood broke and the words flowed again.

Thank you all for your support. Nothing feels as good as getting lost in the page.

Be safe.

Cyran0

(((((((cyran0)))))))

so glad you feel better....have a great day hun....

Jin xx

[nowheretorun]

cool, cool.... get 'er done!

[Doh2007]

Hemmingway said when he's blocked he writes one true sentence. You have written many more.

Keep letting it out. We're here for you.

Oops! I should have read down.

Nevermind!

[SeptemberMorn]

Cyran0, you weren't aware of it at the time, but you were creating, you were being imaginative! You may not have been projecting a part of you into a hero or otherwise, but you were touching the hearts and minds of those that share your illness with you, one of them being me.

You, Dear Writer, expressed your illness in words many of us only wish we knew! Maybe you didn't get your script rewritten but you served a grander purpose in this universe. You reached out and touched, other humans that also have dark, bulging, pulsating wounds and for a minute in time, we were not alone. We were validated. We were understood. We (I) were enthralled.

You chose your screen name wisely, Cyrano.

[recluse1]

[haunted]

I wish I was able to express myself so eloquently. Bravo to you and I'm glad you got through. Sometimes just getting through one episode at a time is the biggest victory. Keep creating!!!

[wickedwings]

we're both artists. your art is with the words. mine is with the images by colored pencils. the way you feel is the same i get with my creativity as well. glad it eased up for you to continue your work. ((((cyrano))))

[Cyran0]

Wow SeptemberMorn, that made me tear up (in a good way). That has to be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

Thanks again, all of you.

Cyran0