[Taonuviel]

Yeah, I don't actually swear unless I'm really out of it, but those symbols get the feeling across, I'm sure.

I'm really sick of this. I try keeping my efforts to get help secret from her, because I know she'll hassle me if she finds out. But she keeps finding out. Five weeks ago she found out about my pdoc appointment and hassled me to not go. I felt really unsure about my decision to try that(hoping he'd be more likely to recognize what was wrong than a GP might) as it was, and even after calling my pastor and having him tell me to go I still almost gave in to mom's pushing against it. Then it turned out this pdoc was very indifferent to me and did nothing more than my GP would have - actually referring me to her for a prescription, so between him and my mom I came home feeling very stupid, small, hopeless and suicidal. Then, while I had kept it secret for two days that I was in the partial program, she obviously had to find out about that when I went into inpatient on the 1st for being suicidal. And what did she do when she visited me? No relief that I was alive and safe, only comments on her negative opinion of the hospital and remarks on how my age allowed me to choose what she obviously would not if she had any say. And manipulate me to feeling guilty. All the time pushing me to get out of there, then when I went back to partial for three days it was "How long are you going to keep going to THAT place?" and "They're just taking your money, they won't give you any real help. Those psychobabblers are all frauds."

And today... augh. She found out I'm seeing the therapist I saw three years ago, who my mom hates. She started ranting about the center being frauds and my therapist being a disgusting fraud and something else I tuned out. I'm thinking, how can I get out of here without being rude? So I say something like "That's your opinion, but not mine." and turn to leave. And she keeps ranting that they'll just take my money and I'll get huge bills and nothing from it. Money fears - a manipulation tool. So I worried the rest of the day until I saw my therapist about ending up with bills from the insurance company of what they don't want to pay besides the co-pay. But it wasn't true, anyway, the co-pay's all I pay, I'll never be billed. And she tried to get me to doubt it all, "Did you even get anything out of all the time you spent with THOSE people over the last two weeks?" And it's hard for me to assess that stuff, so I feel stupid. But I just keep thinking, so what do YOU suggest I do, mom?!? Push on with medicine, God, and the limited human contact I get in church? Snap out of it enough to get a job, and to start initiating friendships, to pull myself up by the bootstraps? Well guess what, that's not enough now, I can't do it!!! I won't make it without some real help, I may not make it anyway. And you just leave me feeling stuck and wanting to impulsively kill myself, is that what you want?!?!

At least she doesn't know about my raid of the litany of unused prescriptions in the medicine cabinet... if she ever even notices them missing I sure won't let her know I keep them stashed in dark hopes. That's about all she doesn't know now.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[Meachie]

My mom is the same as yours in many respects. She never honored my boundaries. Now that she is a few hours drive away, I feel some relief. Moving out from my mothers house was the best decision I had ever made, that and going to college. Parents want the best for us and this is what they are thinking when they undermine what we are trying to do. We sometimes need to learn our own lessons though. There isn't much you can do to change her; I am sure you have heard that! However, you can change the way you react to her. Have you ever said "it isn't your business"? Get yourself together, get your own life and your relationship with your mom will improve. I am assuming you are an adult by the way. Throw the meds away. Get yourself feeling better soon :-)
Meachie

[shakes]

Please stick with therapy and what you think is right. My mother sounds so much like yours. When I first started therapy she used to say the same things to me. "What do you get out of therapy when you do not even talk to me" "You just need to stop feeling depressed because it is all in your head."
Please do not let her get you down. I agree with Ozzie that mothers can have a problem with therapy because they fear they will be blamed for everything. It is kind of ironic that when mothers act this way they are portraying themselves as being the problem.

Stay strong,


<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[dexter]

So she doesn't want you to see a doc... doesn't want you to get help for your problem. Doesn't want you to do something different (constructive) instead, just wants you just to not do this.

Oh, wait, she does have an alternative suggestion. "Just get over it."

Don't feel small IN ANY WAY. Going to the pdoc was a GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT even if it didn't work out with this one. Maybe your T will be able to recommend something better, someone who works with him so they can coordinate treatment. Your mother wasn't "right". This doc just didn't work out. There are others. Seek help until you find the help you need. Your mom is not promoting that.

I know her voice carries a lot of weight. But if you can manage to give her opinion equal weight to the opinions of other people... the many many other people, who care about you, who have experience with this, who have BEEN THROUGH THIS and know it can help... then maybe put them on each side of the balance and it point to where hope lies.

Good luck... don't be discouraged. She's your mom but that doesn't mean she's right... it just means she has those "buttons" installed in you to make you think she is right.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[Taonuviel]

Yeah. :-\
I'm pushing on anyway, trying to set boundaries with her, but even if I can get her to not try to discuss it her looks say enough. It's really difficult.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[Wants2Fly]

Wow, Tanuevial, you've struck a chord with me on this one.

I'm 56 -- my mom is in her 80s -- I love her & she loves me, but there is still friction, and lots of stuff I don't tell my mom. Why? It will only upset her.

My mom (my brother, possibly my whole birth family) cannot understand depression as a mental illness; they see it as personal weakness, being a "drama queen," lots negative judgments.

Last year, my life fell apart, and I quite literally lost eveything -- my health, my job, my beloved of 15 years, who then forced me to sell our house, which required that I give up my beloved dogs to homes where they could be cared for. I am still without a permanent address or income. As I fell apart, my mom started calling all the time.

She meant well, she was doing her best to offer support. But her idea of support is to say things like, "You're not doing anything to help yourself" because to her, taking a mental health leave of absence, being in therapy, trying a roster of anti-depressants, and getting out of the bed in the morning, because that's ALL I can manage, is "not doing anything."

Even in middle age, I almost never "talk back" to family elders; it's the way I was raised. But I had to put my foot down. So, with my therapist's coaching, I calmly told her that what she was saying wasn't helpful. She got real insulted and said, "So I guess that means you don't want me to call you."

(Of course, she had to turn it into an all-or-nothing situation.)

"Not if all you can do is criticize me." Wow, I can't tell you the courage it took to say that to my mother!

"I don't criticize you."

So I calmly told her a few things she had said that were hurtful.

She didn't call for a while. But when she did call, she started making honest efforts to say things like, "I love you. You know we all support you."

My therapist advised me to give her lots of praise when she changed her behavior, so I made it a point to say how much it meant to me to hear things like that.

So now our conversations are more pleasant, and we have both learned a more positive way of communicating with each other.

It's never gonna be a TV sit-com perfect family relationship, but it's better. Perhaps you therapist can offer helpful stick-and-carrot ways of training your mom to behave more helpfully.

Just a thought.