[pixiedust72]

Once someone told me that they thought I "liked being sad". They said it in a way like that was annoying to them. This was years ago but I've thought about it ever since. Now as I'm going through this depression and getting on meds, I find myself wishing I could stay in that depressed state. Like I'm "happier"/more able to deal with life on the day to day but I still wish I could go back to that state because I still have the self hatred and desire to be self destructive. I'm so ashamed of this though that I can't imagine bringing it up to a therapist. Just wondering if anyone else has felt this way.

[MobiusPsyche]

I've definitely felt this way. If you've lived with depression for decades like I have it is your "normal." Getting better will feel scary and alien and not right. Getting better happens in stages sometimes in that the depressed mood will start lifting but there's other cruddy stuff down there too that takes longer to get better.

Nobody likes being depressed but we might be comfortable being depressed. My depression started lifting 18 months ago and I still struggle with this. (not saying you'll take that long, just saying it can take a long time) Right now I'm struggling with the fact that I have more energy than I have in years and I have time to do more things but I don't want to... I'm so used to conserving energy for that next bout of depression that I don't know what to do now. Well, I know what to do (clean my house and exercise a little) but I can't bring myself to do it.

You're not alone.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

If you've lived with depression for decades like I have it is your "normal."

True. Depression long ago became my "normal," too.

My observation is depression is popularly considered addiction to sadness and/or self-pity.

Although I'm not frequently conscious of it, I know I'm sitting on a self-punitive mountain.

[Candy1955]

I am new to depression, but a recent realization is what brought me to this forum. I don't want to get better, except on the worst days.

[MissCathryn]

I definitely feel the same sometimes. I love to sleep, and just lie around watching TV instead of doing much else. The way I see it, it isn;t because I like to be depressed. It is the way my brain is wired. That is a big part of what depression is. Depressed peoples brains are wired to think a certain way and our thought processes are different than people that don't have depression. Does this make sense?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Candy1955

I am new to depression, but a recent realization is what brought me to this forum. I don't want to get better, except on the worst days.

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so... or start a new thread.

After 5 approved posts, you will gain access to chats and to the Private Messaging system.

I hope to see you around the forums!

WC

[yogurtssss]

yes i think if i wasn't i wouldn't be interesting anymore

[Wild Coyote]

I don't like it, don't "prefer" it; however, I do give myself a break from fighting it at least one day a week. I call it "my Sabbath" and I do what I feel like doing, including alone time (isolating), etc. I fight depression with all of my might other days.


WC

[Candy1955]

I've read a lot on this site and others about feeling crushed by guilt. I don't feel guilt. I'm feeling a lot of resignation and something like surrender, a lot of 'well, they were all right all along, huh.' THAT is not what makes me sad; the sadness comes from the sense of loss, meaning I've lost what drove me, what inspired me, what made me laugh or made me care enough to make others laugh. So I cuddle up with all this and hide in bed, or hide inside myself if I have to be at work, or hide in the crowd just trying to seem 'normal'. Most of all I work very hard to keep this depression and anxiety secret, because few, I'm sure, would understand. And then I get angry because they don't and if I really tried to explain, I'd just sound petty, self-absorbed, and, well, depressed. Aaaaarrrrrggggg. I'm really glad I found this group, so thank you for listening.

[Fuzzybear]

[cool09]

I've been depressed for 40 years and thinking about being normal sometimes is scary. Holding a job, having energy, etc. Depression is scary, too because staying in bed makes me worse and being dysfunctional is just sad.

[pixiedust72]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I don't like it, don't "prefer" it; however, I do give myself a break from fighting it at least one day a week. I call it "my Sabbath" and I do what I feel like doing, including alone time (isolating), etc. I fight depression with all of my might other days.


WC

I do the same. Even in my best times, I need one day a week to do nothing at all. I also have social anxiety so if I don't have to leave my house or do anything productive that's the one day I don't have to fight mental illness.