What is the point?

Bahh. I hate myself and my life, mostly myself.
My life is ok, I am not.

I don't want to be an annoyance for you guys. I know I can be really annoying. I hate myself for being annoying and for wanting to be annoying regardless.

I hate I am annoying and boring and lifeless and empty minded and emotionless. I read your support answers. They are so thoughtful and empathic, I could never write something like that in a million years. I am so detached and empty minded.

This sensation is exhausting and makes me feel restless.
And then I come back to the same place over and over again, and I wonder what's the purpose. And I mostly never feel good. If you leave me alone I feel bad, your energy is my fuel, otherwise I am lifeless, if you sit next to me and I feel anxious.

And I have the physical sensation my brain is missing something, probably my previous frontal cortex. I feel dumb.

It's been so many years.

Between periods blindly blundering around light-less pits & sitting in stagnation, there's been some lengthy times when thoughtfulness & empathy completely eluded me. I essentially disappeared from the world. Hello darkness, my old friend... Sometimes it's just impossible to feel settled & hard to remember what settled feels like.

I don’t find you annoying, Mulan. I’m not sure what to say about feeling empty and those other things...some would say it’s “part of the illness” - not a “moral failing”

I’m happy to see your posts although I’m not good at helping sometimes

I’ve never seen you being “mean”. What is “empty” anyway. I believe you care about people, not everyone does. Maybe they are “empty”

Thank for your replies.

I can breath deeper and more slowly knowing I might not be a nuisance for someone this time. It wont change me. But it helps.