[Mantis89]

I want to preface this with the fact that I am currently talking with a therapist, and I have my second visit soon. I am a 28M who *somehow* still has a full-time job in a management position.

I have had issues for a long time, like a *really* long time, probably since middle school realistically. ADHD, Depression, *probably* bi-polar. I am hyper-aware of myself at all times, but especially as of late, it feels like my mind is literally slipping, that I am constantly questioning if anything makes any level of sense anymore.

The stress from work, from trying to stay focused on fixing me and trying to get better, from the deep seated guilt from my past that I can't let go of, from the hopelessness that I feel about my future. It's truly suffocating, and I wish there was a way to just be able to take a step away from it all, even if momentarily, but life doesn't stop, the bills don't go away, and the rent never gets cheaper. I could probably sort my **** out much faster if I had the chance to just not be around anyone for a bit, to really be able to focus on myself, but I can't and I am doing my letter best to hold it together, I really am.

I currently can't even find any healthy goal to focus on. Currently the only thing driving me to keep going, is that I have the slightest of chances to potentially fix the biggest mistake of my life in recent history. Without too much detail, I broke up with the woman I love just about 8 months ago, and I still deeply and truly love her. I am crying as I type this because it still hurts, it still feels like it happened yesterday. Mine is a unique situation because my ex also became best friends with mine, and she is the one who gave me this hope. She told me that if I was able to well and truly get my **** together, I might have a shot. I know that is not necessarily what one would call a "healthy" reason to focus on fixing themselves, but *******it, I know for a fact that if I had a handle on my issues, that relationship would have fared far better, and I really believe this. My ex did her letter best to try and pull me out of it, but I just wasn't able to pull my head out of my *** long enough to make that happen. I knew even back then that I should have *probably* talked to someone, but I was just too ******* stubborn to do so. I had to do it on my own, do it the hard way and I am paying for it in spades. I am having the hardest time right now forgiving myself for this, because I know I hurt her, because I know I ruined the best thing I had going for me, because I know that I destroyed my own happiness.

Man, if it wasn't for her (best friend) being in my life and putting up with my madness, I have no idea where I would be right now and that terrifies me. With the awkward position she is in having to deal with my madness and my Ex's grief, I am grateful that she hasn't just noped out of this situation which would be fully understandable at this point. I have no idea how I am going to make this up to her in the future, but with all the **** we have been through, I will find some way to repay this.

Sorry for the wall of text, but keeping this pent up is not helping me in any way, shape, or form, and it is crushing me. I know that one day, I will be able to look back on days like this and laugh at my own stupidity, but right now, I can't even fathom being at that spot. I wake up and just stare at my bed or the ground for a good 30 minutes before I can even do anything anymore. I know this is not me, that this is not normal, and I am trying to fix myself but, this is hard, really really hard. I have to though. I have to for her, for the second chance that I don't deserve. I am scared shitless of her saying that I hurt her too much for us to try again but I have to, if only so I can at least say I tried so maybe I can start to forgive myself.

I know I have a long way to go, but I hope you all can put up with me using this space to vent, if only so I can avoid dumping far too much on my friend. I am so scared of her just getting fed up with my **** too. I want this nightmare to end, to be able to wake up tomorrow and be fixed, for this pain and suffering to be over.

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

I am sorry you are suffering. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I hope you feel better soon.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sorry you’re struggling .. I can relate to the title of your post Welcome to pc

[MissCathryn]

WElcome. This is a great place to vent, get some advice or simply find that you aren't the only person feeling the way you do.

Glad you're seeing a therapist! Maybe medication might be needed?

Good luck and welcome!