[paynful]

I’m an idiot. A pathetic, lazy moron. When will it be enough for me? When will I be able to help myself? I hate myself. I’m desperate for change. I just don’t know what it will take for somethingto trigger me into doing something…

Even on a good day, I’m wracked with guilt. Today is a good day, because I am not overwhelmed with a range of emotions that are based on NOTHING except a hormonal imbalance. My anxiety isn’t crippling. My sadness is not buckling. My numbness is …waning. I feel like the fog has lifted. I want to enjoy it. But I can’t.

It seems like I should be able to do something productive with my day. I feel… almost… like I can take a full breath. Like I could do some Yoga. I should apply for jobs. I should take a drive around town.

None of that is happening, and I am trying to fight back the guilt. All those times people called me lazy when in reality I was paralyzed with depression.. it wasn’t true. Today it feels like I’m being lazy. I have the mental clarity to do something with myself. I’m not sure why I won’t do something productive, but I know it’s not going to happen. Maybe, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop...

What if I apply for a dozen jobs today? What if I actually get a called for an interview tomorrow when I’m back in the depths of my depression? Why can’t today be enough for me?

[Fuzzybear]

Depression is a massive liar

As of course, are abusers.. They lie about our “ability” and even our very essence ..

I got out of the psych ward back in October. I am still pulling myself back together. It isn't an over night thing. I find that small goals help. I literally started with making it from bed to the couch. It is completely frustrating, but the more small goals you achieve, the more momentum you obtain. You are certainly not alone.