[paynful]

Well, I ended up sleeping most of yesterday away. Trying to get lost in a book. Today, I'm FEELING much worse. In reality nothing has changed. I just woke up on edge. Feeling worse for no apparent reason. My outlook is just WORSE.

I feel like I’m choking on shame. Shame for who I am. Shame for what I’m not.

I feel like rejection is the foregone conclusion. If I already had a job, I could show up anddo the work. (I'm a live-in nanny, but I work for room and board. The lack of income is not the pressing issue. It's my need for a LIFE that I don't really believe I deserve.) I just can’t bring myselfto do that first step. I can’t update myresume. There are too many gaps….



I am choking on shame. I can barely spend time thinkingabout it. If I spend too much time thinkingon the matter, I end up having a crippling anxiety attack. I can’t even update my resume. Which is the first thing I need to do inorder to apply for jobs. I desperately need a job. And the main necessity isn’t even financial(at least in my mind). I need it formyself. For my pride. For my peace of mind. To get out of the house and establish a routine. I NEED it. But I get SO F***ING SAD MAD. I don’twant to have to explain the gaps in my resume. Years of nothing. How do I explainthat? What gives anyone the right to know...



Why do I need to explain myself to ANYONE?! I can’t even explain it to family properly,who are supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt. They hate me. I’m a burden and a waste of space.



How can I apply for jobs when I can’t update my resume. I have a *******ed college degree… wtf. I hate myself so hard right now. I might vomit if only I could force fooddown. I’m having these self-destructive impulses. Smoke a cigar, shoot a shot, get a piercing,etc. I WON’T. But these urges are just like my suicidalideation. Thoughts that just keepcycling. I’m just disgusted withmyself. I know the only way to feel better is to make progress. How can I make progress if I’m dry heaving,sweating, trying to ignore all the sharp objects around me?



As reread this, I know I’m in a downward spiral. I just don’t know how to stop this nonsense. I know I’m not okay. I know this in founded in a hormonal imbalance. Doctors hurt more than they help. Where am I supposed to go from here? I know the simple answers, but I just can’tsee through the thick fog of my own BULLS**T. I’m just choking. Can barelybreathe. I feel like I’m poisoned or something. A toxic mess. I’m trying to keep it to myself before I contaminate anyone aroundme. But if I keep stewing, I know it’sjust going to get worse.



Once again, I don't have the patience to fix the word spacing issue due to copy/paste.

[Fuzzybear]

Thinking of you
(I don’t have wise words right now )

Thanks for posting

[Smileonmyface]

hugs. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.