[SantaFe1]

I don't know why I'm writing this..
probably because I have no one I can really talk to. not even my parents..

If you have the time to read this, I'd kindly appreciate it. I might go too deep into it however..

I'm currently suffering from depression and I don't really see any meaning in life: i'd like to describe some of my situations and relationships..

1. Kicked out from school:

If you were born into an academic family like mine, being kicked out is a death sin. I went to an elite middleschool for 5 years, 6 were needed to complete it. The weird thing about this is, ever since I was about 15/16, my brain felt so foggy, I couldn't memorize anything. To make it worse, I was diagnosed with iron deficiency. However, it was too late, the teachers didn't care, I got kicked out due to bad grades. Felt like the biggest loser. still do.

2. Mobbing:

After being kicked out, I went to a private middleschool, where all the dropouts get together. Those were the worst three years of my life. I was in class with someone who had a criminal record for sending a guy to hospital with brass knuckles. That guy started to target me for whatever reason, so I had to defend myself. I was fine for a while but that guy was mentally ill. He continued picking on me.. but this time with help from two others from my class. This was insanely unfair. There was no support for my side to fight back because everyone was afraid of that criminal. Never have I felt so alone in my life.

This was also the first time in my life I planned to harm someone and nearly did it. But I told to myself that after school I'll never see them again.

The ironic part of this story is: they all work in banks now, one of them even is married. I don't understand this world anymore. There is no justice.


3. Rejected from the woman I love:

In general being rejected is no big deal. But this was at the time where I was with those mobbers and felt all alone. She was the prettiest girl I've ever met. She was constantly in my head but to my unfortune she was a playgirl, who juggled with guys and cashed in one favor after another one from other guys, not me though.

Even though I saw her from time to time at school, I first texted her instead of talking to her. IMO it went well, I think I made her smile at least once and right at that moment I asked her out. She said not now.

I first thought I have to try harder but I googled what the answer means and came to the conclusion that she's very likely trying to juggle me like the other guys.

So I didn't reply at all and let it be.

Half year later she posted a picture on instagram that I hurt her feelings without marking me, but I had pressed the follow button so I saw the feed with her picture and I idiot started apologizing. The dialog went horribly wrong. Never have I humiliated myself this much in front of anybody. I tossed my selfrespect into the trash can.

Since then, the my desire to harm someone became insanely huge again..
so I started working out in order to calm down..

Even to this day, she posts some pictures where I believe she refers to me. This is so stupid. I know. She has no bf.

I thought that after writing all this, I would feel better.
But I don't. Unfortunately.

[Skeezyks]

Hello SantaFe: I'm sorry that writing about your concerns did not feel helpful. However, there can be a lot of support available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.)

Anyway... since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral! May I suggest that you introduce yourself to the membership as a whole in our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of letting go of past hurts. Perhaps some of the information in them can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...ful-over-time/

https://psychcentral.com/newsletter/...8/haunting.htm

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...of-letting-go/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-let-go/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways...ul-past/?all=1

My best wishes to you...