Alone and feeling invisible

I am a 25 year old single mother of a 6 year old daughter and 3 year old son. I have suffered from depression my entire life not to mention other mental and emotional conditions. I have been in therapy on and off for over 10 years now. I have been on a ton of antidepressants and no good results, most just made me have episodes of acting out emotionally, sexually, and do things I have come to regret. I have been in therapy since June of this year b/c my behaviors had gotten to the point my mother threatened to have me committed if I didn't seek help. I see a therapist, a Nurse Practioner that prescribes my medications, and my general practioner. My GP thinks I may be Bi Polar, even though neither my therapist or NP have ever told me any diagnosis whatsoever. My GP and NP both suggested I needed to apply for Disability until medications were found in the right combinations and my head was straightened out which in the consultation they informed me most likely I am going to be denied. I have problems with depression, anxiety, panic, severe mood swings, anger problems, sleep problems, psychosis, and irrational fears. The NP decided to put me on Topamax as a mood stablizer, Buspar for anxiety, and Ambien because I rarely ever sleep. I've never offically been diagnosed but I have an eating disorder where I don't eat for a few days then Binge eat until I get sick which has caused my weight to increase to now 360 pounds. I keep telling all of my doctors my depression is getting worse. Not just with a few different ones but several different doctors. I rarely ever get out of the house and only leave my room to put my daughter on the bus, bath, feed, and take my kids to the doctor. I've been living with family the last 3 years b/c I haven't been able to work since 2002 due to these problems. I had my own apartment and bills but things got to the point I just couldn't deal with it anymore and I couldn't take care of things I needed to. I've cut off all contact with everyone but immediate family, I was in an 10 year relationship with my kids father and his mental and emotional abuse just became too much for me, and I haven't been out for an "ADULTS ONLY" night since I went to a nightclub New Years Eve 2004. My family doesn't understand and they think I can just snap out of it and go on about my life. I can't, I keep falling deeper and deeper in to this depression. Not only is it affecting my life, it is affecting my kids, and my physical health. Everytime I mention it to my NP he says he wants to treat each symptom starting with the worst ones first. He said he doesn't want to put me on an antidepressant until my other problems are stablized by the medications. So in the mean time instead of having 100 different moods a day I have about 10 that are worse than the ones I had before, I had to quit taking the Buspar because it made me feel like I wanted to kill myself, and I take the Ambien and I am awake for the whole night. I sit and cry all the time over nothing. I hate my life, I feel like i am a horrible mother for being like this, and I feel so alone b/c my family doesn't seem to understand I can't just snap out of it. How do I get the doctors and my family to understand that I need help? I don't know what else to do, I am telling these people how I feel and what is going on but yet it doesn't seem like they are hearing me. It is just getting so frustrating for me. How am I suppose to get things straightened out when no one is listening?

Welcome to PC Brina. Have you talked to your T about how you feel you are not progressing? Maybe they can help you sort through some options. Sometimes with complex cases it helps to go to a specialist in mental health such as a psychiatrist. I don't know if this is an option in your case or not. I hope you find some additional support soon and your depression starts to get better.

BB

I can totally understand the feeling of frustration and angst when "no-one listens". This is something I went through when my depression was at its worst.

Perhaps you can look at changing your pdoc (if you have one). Yes, please do talk more to your T. You really aren't alone, even though it feels as though you are.

Sending you much strength.

We are here. We see you.

Thinking of you (((((((((((( Brina )))))))))))))