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This constant depression and stress is getting point to where it's becoming unmanageable and mentally painful and draining. I've been unemployed for about a month now if not alittle more. I'm very close to becoming completely bankrupt and I'm about to be 2 months behind on rent, and could very well face the possiblity of getting kicked out. If I get kicked out, for the most part I'll have nowhere else to go unless I stay at several different friend's houses here and there, or live in my car or become a drifter. This situation and the consequences of what may happen if I go completely broke or can't pay rent has been going on for maybe almost 2 months now.
The thing is, there's a part of me that's scared about the future, but a huge part of me that really feels like I don't care anymore. I am so sick of this ****. I feel like my life is messed up beyond repair. For a whole year now before losing a steady job I've had, I've been struggling to keep jobs because I get fired from every job I get and have only been keeping jobs for as little as a week to maybe up to 2 months at most. If I don't apply to jobs directly, I've been getting jobs through staffing/temp agencies. There are some jobs I really have tried to do well at and still get fired anyway because the supervisor isn't satisfied, or because of really something stupid or petty. The most recent 2 jobs have been nowhere near a good fit for me at all and I get so bored, so frustrated, and so pissed off at work that I just quit, because I've seriously reached a point where I feel I'd rather be unemployed and go broke than to work at a place for 8-10 hours that I hate that badly, doing boring, unfulfilling, monotonous work and be at a place that only amplifies my depression that much more to the point where I may snap and literally go crazy.
I'm tired of everything in life feeling so uncertain, so empty and like a very huge burden. Literally everything in life always revolves around money but it's as if you have to mentally kill yourself to get money and what's messed up about society is that people view how valuable a person is based on that person's money. People always want to brag about their possessions, how great their lives are, how great their jobs are, how they just got a promotion, or how expensive this is or that is. And I just don't understand some of it. I'm tired of being around people and seeing all my friends do so well or at least do normally and no one else having the same problems or concerns. I'm tired of being fearful of what the next week might hold every week, or not knowing what I'm doing or what's going to be going on in my life. But at the same time I don't want to do anything because I feel what's the point. If I do something it'll just be the same crap of getting fired for the umpteenth time. I'm tired of a whole year of month after month after month constantly worried if I'm going to have enough money to make it through the week, pay this bill or that bill, or pay rent. Except now things really might come to an end. I truly have nothing else to look forward to. I am bored by everything at home and find it harder to entertain myself, think of things to do, or find enjoyment and have more long periods of time where I truly don't feel like doing anything at all so I just lay in bed or stare off lost in my own thoughts. Even when I'm out places or with good friends I still feel dead inside with all my concerns still constantly running through my head and I just fake being happy. What's concerns me is the only fulfillment I get out of life when I play with my band and when I play music and the rare moment when we actually perform a show. But the day after the performance is alot similar to coming down off of a drug...everything feels so extremely empty and pointless all over again and those feelings of being TRULY happy and fulfilled for real are gone. I wish I could keep those same feelings going all the time. I wish there were more things going on in life that were fulfilling or more things going on in my life that match me as a person. I have dreams but in alot of ways, I don't know how to achieve them. I have no idea what my future holds or how I'm supposed to keep going on like this.
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Apr 30, 2018, 06:54 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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