[MtnTime2896]

I'm gonna be straight up, this is a rant. It's a rant about my experience since trying to "get help" for my 24/7 mind****. I do not represent the majority, and hell not even the minority. If you're needing help, find it and work it and hope it helps. You're worth the shot at a better life. Do not take this rant (because that's what it is) as indication of hopelessness for yourself.

Now that I've said that, let's begin. Let's begin with how ****ed up my entire search for help has been. Let's go back to the very beginning when I was maybe five and I tried to hang myself. [Edit]. Whoops, probably not allowed to say that, my bad, it's gone. Anyway, that was the day I realized I wasn't normal, always knew I was different but never thought different was abnormal. Of course, "normal" is an illusion, it's what the mainstream majority shove down our ****ing throats; but I digress. I've known for a very long time that my head's screwed up.

I was in fifth grade when I first willingly went to a counselor. I didn't understand why I was doing it, I just wanted to get out of class and away from the ***** teacher I saw six hours out of normal week day. So, I go to this counselor and she wants to talk because that's what it's for. In truth, I don't remember a damn thing from all of those sessions except drawing some damn picture. I don't even remember what it was I drew. No clue, nothing, just... nothing. So how helpful could it have been?

I saw my next counselor unwillingly in my seventh grade year. My mom left my siblings and I, went to Kansas and we were stuck at my dad's. My dad called the school and told them about it. So, they pulled me in for a risk assessment. Haha, a damn risk assessment, hilarious. They never pulled me in the grade before when I was bullied every single damn day, but I'm getting off topic again. In truth, I never gave this counselor a chance. Told her to, "**** off" over and over until she let me go. Dubbed me a risk but didn't have any cause to take further action.

I saw a counselor off and on my repeated senior year after I was diagnosed with cancer. The school thought it'd help and in a sense it did, at least with coping with my family's chaotic reaction. I didn't see another counselor until I was in another school, repeating my senior year (again). I saw her when I had a breakdown at school. She's the only one who -- up to that point -- explained what was going on with me. She was good but then I ****ed up (like I'm known to do) and decided to see a counselor outside of the school district.

This, this is the counselor that sent me over the edge. She tried talk therapy for trauma, but for the love of god wouldn't allow me to talk about anything else but the damn trauma. Every week I felt more screwed up than the last. Then I was put on medication for the first time. Let me tell you, legitimately becoming psychotic and planning out a mass murder is one silent "wake up" call. I didn't realize what I was doing until the day I was supposed to carry it out. And instead, I tried to kill myself.

Didn't work and went to school the next day with the intention of pretending everything was okay. Yeah... that didn't work. I had another breakdown of sorts and got escorted out of the school by an officer, several firemen and two paramedics to the ER. After a series of questions, I was admitted to the Behavior Health unit. It was the first time I was admitted to a psychiatric facility. They took me off of my medications and put me on new ones. I didn't stay on those because, again, I felt they were making things worse.

Since then, I've been in and out of hospitals. A year and a half ago I found my current therapist. At first, and for a while, I thought it could really help. Six months ago, my hope for help dissipated into nothing. I've tried cbt, dbt, exposure therapy, talk therapy, trauma therapy and something else I can't remember. These classic psychotherapies that are used frequently to help with SI, PTSD, MDD and several MIs. And not a single one has helped. Not one. And this past week my therapist said he's tried every technique he knows and is now in "unknown territory". Talk about hammering in the final nail of discouragement.

I've been on several medications, none of which have helped enough for me to put up with the side effects. I've been trying to get help off and on over my whole life, whether or not it was conventional. The fact is, nothing can help me because I'm a lost cause. ****, none of the professionals I've seen can even agree on what I'm suffering from (outside of PTSD). MDD is a common and official diagnosis with me and yet my T still thinks I might not have it. He thinks I have bipolar disorder, funny 'cause wouldn't I have actual mood swings at some point? And I'm not talking about "mood swings" that are actually anxiety driven.

Needless to say, I'm done with the mental health system. Conventional methods obviously don't work for me and never ****ing will. And unconventional... don't even get me started. Yoga isn't going to ****ing help, I've tried it. Prayer? Hard to do that when I have no faith. Name it and I've probably tried it. The fact is, I'm terminal. This is where assisted suicide for mental illness would be greatly appreciated. And some understanding instead of, "You're so selfish. Can you think of no one but yourself?" And then there's the thing I used to say that pisses me off today, "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Feels pretty damn permanent to me considering it's been my whole damn life.

Long rant done. And no, it didn't make me feel any better

[marvin_pa]

I wish that I had something that would definitely help, but I don't. All I know is something kept/keeps me going. I will say that I actually wouldn't take your therapist's comment about being in unknown territory, necessarily as discouragement - I prefer honesty to false encouragement & that choice of phrase implies that whilst he's exhausted his current experience, he also hasn't thrown in the towel.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

I wish that I had something that would definitely help, but I don't. All I know is something kept/keeps me going. I will say that I actually wouldn't take your therapist's comment about being in unknown territory, necessarily as discouragement - I prefer honesty to false encouragement & that choice of phrase implies that whilst he's exhausted his current experience, he also hasn't thrown in the towel.

I agree, he hasn't thrown in the towel, but that's not what bothered me. It's just verbal confirmation that I've tried all of these therapies without any real progress. And he might not have given up but I'm pretty sure I have.

[RJ42]

I've tried 27 counselors in 26 years so I feel your frustration. If your counselor hasn't given up, that's good. Giving you affirmation of having tried everything, not so good on his part, rather unethical/unprofessional honestly.

I've cut myself off from socializing almost completely. This is my only contact other than the grocery store. I've been alone most of my life. I've found that's where I function best. Just a suggestion...try finding the atmosphere/place in life you function best and see if it helps. Just a thought.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

I wish that I had something that would definitely help, but I don't. All I know is something kept/keeps me going. I will say that I actually wouldn't take your therapist's comment about being in unknown territory, necessarily as discouragement - I prefer honesty to false encouragement & that choice of phrase implies that whilst he's exhausted his current experience, he also hasn't thrown in the towel.

(((((( So leigheas )))))))

I wish I had something that would definitely help too (I don’t)

As I think you know, a long term therapist did throw in the towel on me (I didn’t do anything “wrong” ) and didn’t even refer me to someone else

I haven’t found any other local therapists to be of much help

But again, I don’t speak for the “majority”

I could say more... just know I care

Thank you for sharing, I always appreciate your posts