[AbladeintheMeadow]

Hi

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the correct forum. I've been having a bad day today tho' I am starting to feel better. I wanted to share (with people who might understand) my journal entry from earlier today.

Possible trigger:

"Spose I should get showered & dressed.
I'm having a bad day. Can't stop crying. Literally I'm sat on the settee with tears pouring down my face with absolutely no reason for them at all. My heartbeat & breathing are all over the place. I'm no company for my daughter. I'm not fit to be a mother. She deserves better. Far better. I actually fail to see any positive purpose to my life. I either feel a fraud because this is going on in my head while outwardly I say nothing or I tell someone I'm feeling this way & instantly feel a burden & wrong for saying anything & then maybe only a hours later feel embarrassed & a rubbish person for them to be friends with because who wants a friend that writes messages like that to them on a Saturday afternoon when they have their own life to be getting on with & they were perfectly happy & this is not what they want or expect to be having to deal with & put up with. I feel embarrassed & afraid of losing the friendship because of what I say & when I'm feeling better wonder why I said anything at all.

I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of the battles in my mind. I want them to end. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't see the point of keep going through it. There's nothing at the end of it other than the prospect of doing it all over again & again & again for the next however many decades. I fail to see the point.

& yet. I know later today or maybe tomorrow or the day after or later in the week - at some point - I won't feel like this anymore. I won't even be able to understand how I could feel like this. Until it happens again.

So what do I do? Do I just accept that these days are going to happen & not sit here making it even worse by beating myself up for knowing that I should just make myself go outside the front door & do stuff even though from here, right now watching the trees blow in the wind outside is like watching an alien world that I don't belong in & the only safe place is inside my home. Do I accept that on days like this that just sitting doing nothing is OK? Because when I don't feel this way I'll make up for it and do the stuff I should be doing?

Do I see a doctor & try somehow to explain this to them? How the would I even begin to do that? If I'm feeling OK I won't even see the point of going let alone be able to explain how I feel on bad days because I can't ever imagine feeling that way ever again. & if it's a bad day the doctor won't believe I'm capable of switching back & being perfectly OK in just a matter of hours or days. They'll just conclude I'm a danger to myself & lord knows where that will end.

See. Logically I know this is temporary. So why can't I stop it?"

Does anyone else relate to this? I'm hoping to get some help as to how to deal with it when it's happening.

Thank you for reading. Be safe x

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

Hi

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the correct forum. I've been having a bad day today tho' I am starting to feel better. I wanted to share (with people who might understand) my journal entry from earlier today.

Possible trigger:

"Spose I should get showered & dressed.
I'm having a bad day. Can't stop crying. Literally I'm sat on the settee with tears pouring down my face with absolutely no reason for them at all. My heartbeat & breathing are all over the place. I'm no company for my daughter. I'm not fit to be a mother. She deserves better. Far better. I actually fail to see any positive purpose to my life. I either feel a fraud because this is going on in my head while outwardly I say nothing or I tell someone I'm feeling this way & instantly feel a burden & wrong for saying anything & then maybe only a hours later feel embarrassed & a rubbish person for them to be friends with because who wants a friend that writes messages like that to them on a Saturday afternoon when they have their own life to be getting on with & they were perfectly happy & this is not what they want or expect to be having to deal with & put up with. I feel embarrassed & afraid of losing the friendship because of what I say & when I'm feeling better wonder why I said anything at all.

I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of the battles in my mind. I want them to end. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't see the point of keep going through it. There's nothing at the end of it other than the prospect of doing it all over again & again & again for the next however many decades. I fail to see the point.

& yet. I know later today or maybe tomorrow or the day after or later in the week - at some point - I won't feel like this anymore. I won't even be able to understand how I could feel like this. Until it happens again.

So what do I do? Do I just accept that these days are going to happen & not sit here making it even worse by beating myself up for knowing that I should just make myself go outside the front door & do stuff even though from here, right now watching the trees blow in the wind outside is like watching an alien world that I don't belong in & the only safe place is inside my home. Do I accept that on days like this that just sitting doing nothing is OK? Because when I don't feel this way I'll make up for it and do the stuff I should be doing?

Do I see a doctor & try somehow to explain this to them? How the would I even begin to do that? If I'm feeling OK I won't even see the point of going let alone be able to explain how I feel on bad days because I can't ever imagine feeling that way ever again. & if it's a bad day the doctor won't believe I'm capable of switching back & being perfectly OK in just a matter of hours or days. They'll just conclude I'm a danger to myself & lord knows where that will end.

See. Logically I know this is temporary. So why can't I stop it?"

Does anyone else relate to this? I'm hoping to get some help as to how to deal with it when it's happening.

Thank you for reading. Be safe x

I feel the same. But I have been feeling like this for a long time. My miserable feelings dont go away. There are days when I can push myself to go out for my eve walk or do the dishes or go to the gtocers and there are days when the bad feelings are so intensely painful that I lie in bed the whole day hiding my head in the pillow.

My meds are not helping me much yet and at where I live good and trained therapists are not available.

Even I would like to get help reg my feelings.

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that you feel the way you do & I hope that we may both find comfort in knowing we're not alone & perhaps some ideas for coping strategies from some of our PC community.

I too have felt this way for a number of years tho it has varied between long periods of depression & periods of feeling OK. Now it seems to have turned into a rapidly changing roller coaster ride.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I very much appreciate it.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

Hi

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the correct forum. I've been having a bad day today tho' I am starting to feel better. I wanted to share (with people who might understand) my journal entry from earlier today.

Possible trigger:

"Spose I should get showered & dressed.
I'm having a bad day. Can't stop crying. Literally I'm sat on the settee with tears pouring down my face with absolutely no reason for them at all. My heartbeat & breathing are all over the place. I'm no company for my daughter. I'm not fit to be a mother. She deserves better. Far better. I actually fail to see any positive purpose to my life. I either feel a fraud because this is going on in my head while outwardly I say nothing or I tell someone I'm feeling this way & instantly feel a burden & wrong for saying anything & then maybe only a hours later feel embarrassed & a rubbish person for them to be friends with because who wants a friend that writes messages like that to them on a Saturday afternoon when they have their own life to be getting on with & they were perfectly happy & this is not what they want or expect to be having to deal with & put up with. I feel embarrassed & afraid of losing the friendship because of what I say & when I'm feeling better wonder why I said anything at all.

I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of the battles in my mind. I want them to end. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't see the point of keep going through it. There's nothing at the end of it other than the prospect of doing it all over again & again & again for the next however many decades. I fail to see the point.

& yet. I know later today or maybe tomorrow or the day after or later in the week - at some point - I won't feel like this anymore. I won't even be able to understand how I could feel like this. Until it happens again.

So what do I do? Do I just accept that these days are going to happen & not sit here making it even worse by beating myself up for knowing that I should just make myself go outside the front door & do stuff even though from here, right now watching the trees blow in the wind outside is like watching an alien world that I don't belong in & the only safe place is inside my home. Do I accept that on days like this that just sitting doing nothing is OK? Because when I don't feel this way I'll make up for it and do the stuff I should be doing?

Do I see a doctor & try somehow to explain this to them? How the would I even begin to do that? If I'm feeling OK I won't even see the point of going let alone be able to explain how I feel on bad days because I can't ever imagine feeling that way ever again. & if it's a bad day the doctor won't believe I'm capable of switching back & being perfectly OK in just a matter of hours or days. They'll just conclude I'm a danger to myself & lord knows where that will end.

See. Logically I know this is temporary. So why can't I stop it?"

Does anyone else relate to this? I'm hoping to get some help as to how to deal with it when it's happening.

Thank you for reading. Be safe x

I have many days like this! I haven't found out how to not have days like this. I do work on trying not to feel this way, but it seems to always creep back in. I think if I couldn't feel at all, that sometimes it would be so much better, than to feel at all. I have a new T again, who is a trauma specialist, and I hope she will be able to help, but with my ins. I only get to see her once a month, so the rest of that month my mind never stops, good, or bad.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I have many days like this! I haven't found out how to not have days like this. I do work on trying not to feel this way, but it seems to always creep back in. I think if I couldn't feel at all, that sometimes it would be so much better, than to feel at all. I have a new T again, who is a trauma specialist, and I hope she will be able to help, but with my ins. I only get to see her once a month, so the rest of that month my mind never stops, good, or bad.

katydid---thanks for sharing your life here...your crying will help...
i used to cry and scream a lot...i like you

[Fuzzybear]

I can relate too, I often can’t get my mind to stop I wish there was a simple answer like voluntary work (or “moving on” ) but there isn’t for me I don’t think. I’m in the uk too and have a very hard time talking to doctors . Thanks for posting, I’m sending gentle hugs if ok

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I have many days like this! I haven't found out how to not have days like this. I do work on trying not to feel this way, but it seems to always creep back in. I think if I couldn't feel at all, that sometimes it would be so much better, than to feel at all. I have a new T again, who is a trauma specialist, and I hope she will be able to help, but with my ins. I only get to see her once a month, so the rest of that month my mind never stops, good, or bad.

My brain is very much the same. Always whirring. Sometimes that's a good thing I can be very focused & multitasking & productive. And other day it's a bad thing and it spirals from one negative or dark thought to another.

Thank you for sharing your experience of similar feelings. It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I can relate too, I often can’t get my mind to stop I wish there was a simple answer like voluntary work (or “moving on” ) but there isn’t for me I don’t think. I’m in the uk too and have a very hard time talking to doctors . Thanks for posting, I’m sending gentle hugs if ok

Hi Fuzzybear
I have read many of your posts and find your threads receive so much helpful & comforting comments that just reading them helps.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Our minds can be our greatest friend & our most feared enemy. Stay strong for the friend to arrive.

Your hugs are very welcome & they are returned if that's OK

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

My brain is very much the same. Always whirring. Sometimes that's a good thing I can be very focused & multitasking & productive. And other day it's a bad thing and it spirals from one negative or dark thought to another.

Thank you for sharing your experience of similar feelings. It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

You are not alone!!!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

Hi Fuzzybear
I have read many of your posts and find your threads receive so much helpful & comforting comments that just reading them helps.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Our minds can be our greatest friend & our most feared enemy. Stay strong for the friend to arrive.

Your hugs are very welcome & they are returned if that's OK

((((((( AbladeintheMeadow )))))))