Background : I will turn 18 this December. Passed High School and now it's the time to enter college and do B.S. But I don't think I can or should do it.


I live in a very dysfunctional family. I do not in any way look normal nor do I perceive myself as a normal teenager. I have a lot of school issues. Like how was I supposed to go from home to college? Buses and taxis are not an option, my parents think I will be "wasting money." Daddy would tell me "We don't have money for that." I believe he is too damaged to realize there are other things in life that matter aside from money.


Nor do I think my education is worth the social stress I have to go through. Interact with people, complete lab records, do experiments. I am sure I will get yelled at because I couldn't do lab experiment/couldn't tell the answer of a question. Then come home somehow utterly scared and be told to study because "the more the better." I am on the brisk of losing whatever the sanity I have. I have to go through utter body exhaustion, perform the lab experiments and complete lab record and then do THEORY after coming home, instead of receiving the sleep I deserve.


I just cannot. People call me a freak and I sometimes think I am. I have no idea how to behave. I am lost in my disordered mind. There is the rest of my male class hitting on girls and riding geared bikes AND doing lab experiments while here I am, doing nothing, feeling nothing, devoid of any meaning in life.

One of my teachers told me I have to behave in a good manner because till now my teacher knew my plight and helped me, but not now, I have to go independent. I don't think it's something I can do. Yet my parents are forcing me to take competitive examination after one and another. They sort of expect me to win the world.

It'a amazing what I can do (at least theoretically) compared to another brain damage patient who never was taught any life skill, but it isn't the case when I am compared to an average person.


I want to help people, but I am scared of people too. And my parents have ridiculously high expectations of me. Why? Because I am their only son. They should've taught me life skills. But they didn't. Now they complain I cannot stand in a decent way. As if it my fault. Yes, blame the sufferer. Never let me interact with society, how in the **** was I supposed to stay sane?


I wanted to be a tuition center owner. I was thinking about doing M.S. But nooooooooooooooooooooo, do another non-science competitive exam. I am tired of it, tired of it all. Join a coaching class for it too. "Foundation gets strong."


I have emotional numbing to the point where I pretend I am angry when I should be. And my classmates, either think I am a clown or want to victimize me, mostly both. It's hard to live this way.

Should I just tell them I cannot do it? But then what? Stay at home till the day I die? Not so promising.

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

Background : I will turn 18 this December. Passed High School and now it's the time to enter college and do B.S. But I don't think I can or should do it.


I live in a very dysfunctional family. I do not in any way look normal nor do I perceive myself as a normal teenager. I have a lot of school issues. Like how was I supposed to go from home to college? Buses and taxis are not an option, my parents think I will be "wasting money." Daddy would tell me "We don't have money for that." I believe he is too damaged to realize there are other things in life that matter aside from money.


Nor do I think my education is worth the social stress I have to go through. Interact with people, complete lab records, do experiments. I am sure I will get yelled at because I couldn't do lab experiment/couldn't tell the answer of a question. Then come home somehow utterly scared and be told to study because "the more the better." I am on the brisk of losing whatever the sanity I have. I have to go through utter body exhaustion, perform the lab experiments and complete lab record and then do THEORY after coming home, instead of receiving the sleep I deserve.


I just cannot. People call me a freak and I sometimes think I am. I have no idea how to behave. I am lost in my disordered mind. There is the rest of my male class hitting on girls and riding geared bikes AND doing lab experiments while here I am, doing nothing, feeling nothing, devoid of any meaning in life.

One of my teachers told me I have to behave in a good manner because till now my teacher knew my plight and helped me, but not now, I have to go independent. I don't think it's something I can do. Yet my parents are forcing me to take competitive examination after one and another. They sort of expect me to win the world.

It'a amazing what I can do (at least theoretically) compared to another brain damage patient who never was taught any life skill, but it isn't the case when I am compared to an average person.


I want to help people, but I am scared of people too. And my parents have ridiculously high expectations of me. Why? Because I am their only son. They should've taught me life skills. But they didn't. Now they complain I cannot stand in a decent way. As if it my fault. Yes, blame the sufferer. Never let me interact with society, how in the **** was I supposed to stay sane?


I wanted to be a tuition center owner. I was thinking about doing M.S. But nooooooooooooooooooooo, do another non-science competitive exam. I am tired of it, tired of it all. Join a coaching class for it too. "Foundation gets strong."


I have emotional numbing to the point where I pretend I am angry when I should be. And my classmates, either think I am a clown or want to victimize me, mostly both. It's hard to live this way.

Should I just tell them I cannot do it? But then what? Stay at home till the day I die? Not so promising.

I can empathize with you. I have the same problem with my brain...like I told you I wanted to study biopsychology in the US but I had to give up my dream. I used to work as an HR in a private firm but had to give up that job as well bc of my MI. But I still haven't given up hope altogether...maybe in the future my brain will function better....maybe things will get better. I m 43 but you're still young. You shouldn't give up.

But I really don't have any practical solution for you...maybe other people in the forum can help you.

Hugs to you.

Thanks for empathizing with me. This means a lot. A LOT. Because very few people aside from my teachers, doctors and relatives (you wouldn't believe but aside from my parents every relative I know is nice, it's just my luck I guess) had ever felt my pain as if it is they were suffering.

Again there are no colleges in India for studying psychology (unless you are a state-level topper) and getting to US was and always will be hard. The beginning of my psychosis
stemmed from my desire to get into AIIMS. My doctors didn't classify it as grandiosity and told me I can do it. I did eventually worsen and now have lost all hope, I don't even qualify for that exam now. I've gotten 41% in PCB.


I suffer from brain damage due to some factors - injury, infection, deficiency and lack of oxygen. I was stuffed in a bag by my pre-primary teacher (I hope she is dead.) Before that I was thrown on a wall of our then-home when I was not even a year old. This left me crippled. For life. You know, I can never ride a Bullet (Classic 350, my dream bike, also any kind of KTM) and then, you know, PARTY ALL NIGHT!!!!! Be the king of DA PARTY.

Had I been born to my maternal uncle, I would have have been a world renowned psychiatrist. I would have had a happy childhood and most importantly a normal teenage
life. This would have lead to, in my opinion, a death to my potential ... as it would have been converted into an execution of my abilities, talents and powers. This isn't what all of us are destined for. I am talking about normal parents.


I do not fit in. It's because I am hyper in everything. Hyper-stimulated, hyper-intelligent, hyper-grandiose, hyper-sick.


I am still very hopeful that someday I will be a normal adult. I would still act like a teenager even though no matter at which phase I am. I cannot act like a child, even though I was robbed of my childhood, but still can act like a semi-mature teenager as long as I steer clear of trouble. I will always behave like a teenager for the rest of my life. Why? Don't I deserve to enjoy my life the way I want? They would commit me to a psychiatric hospital if I act like a child, but if I act like a protagonist of some action movie, they won't. I will smoke cigs, style my hair, ride an Enfield, maintain my weight, wear jeans, leather jacket. This is the life I never got. I just don't fit in.


I am extremely sorry for the emotional pain I caused. I act like a freak every now and then. It's just that I do not fit in. It's just that I was never taught how to behave by my parents. I was damaged by them. I don't blame my mother, she was a premature birth to a very young mother and damaged by her own childhood. But my father is very manipulative and selfish person. He cares only about money.

Since I didn't have contact with my peers outside of school and college, I don't know how to behave. Since I never interacted with people on streets, I don't know how to behave. Since I didn't talk much outside of my house, I don't know how to behave.

I've been called a "retard" so many times I have started to act like one. Or is it vice versa?

the person I call "dad" is a monster who doesn't care for others feelings.

Like, seriously, what the **** did I do deserve this?