[fruitbat22]

I haven’t logged on in a while but I want to talk about something that I can’t really put on Facebook. Which, is of course flooded with suicide prevention and awareness posts from people who care now because celebrities died. I saw a post shared by someone about being a mother and having suicidal ideation.

That’s me. And as much as I want to say it. To tell people my struggle... I’m ashamed and in fear of judgement. My son is the only reason I put the bottle of pills back down, put the knife back in the drawer, kept my car in my lane...

And to tell you the truth, at the moment... I’m okay. The weight of depression isn’t currently crushing me. But I know that it won’t always be this way. That I may have days again where I feel I’m better off... that my son is better off... if I were gone.

2017 was a horrible year for me. I was put in a psychiatric facility only a couple weeks after sitting in my bathroom with the door locked with a razor and a bottle of whisky. Completely covered in blood. Desperately trying to cut deep enough. To make the physical pain louder than the internal suffering. Until my husband broke down the door.

I missed Easter with my son that year. I’ll never forget it. I never want to go back to that facility.

I just worry sometimes that I won’t survive the next low. My husband and son love me. I’m a full time college student. I’m a pretty good bartender. I’m 25 and own my home. Most people see me as happy go lucky, living life and enjoying my son. Which I do. Not every single day is a bad one. Sometimes, I have a lot of good days. And things are manageable. And I can breathe. And I can have that life I want. But my scars on my arms and legs remind me of darker times.

I don’t want to cut ever again. But I worry that I will. And I feel like I can only talk to my husband about it. And even then I feel bad putting that stress and worry on him.

How do you even talk about cutting without it sounding like attention seeking?

It’s so isolating. To see so many people right now acting like they understand and are here for you. Plastering the hotline everywhere. But are you there? Can you handle the reality? The dark thoughts... the pain?

Thanks for reading.

All any of us can do is keep trying, not sure how helpful I'm being here

You have been heard though, you're not alone with this

[Candy1955]

I am glad you came back and posted. I am so sorry you have to struggle and suffer. Please keep posting. It really can help.

[Fuzzybear]