Somehow, I didn't get all I needed.

My mother often made fun of my looks, or berated me for them. But she never taught me how to look better, how to look neat and tidy, at least.

A colleague taught me how to use hairspray to keep my baby hairs from frizzing all over the place on Friday. This was one of the things my mother yelled at me for, but she never taught me about hairspray.

My old roommate taught me about sunscreen and using a lotion to clean your face at night and morning. I didn't know that was a thing, but it makes my skin look nice and clear.

I'm sorry that I didn't look these things up online or try harder to learn it myself. I thought it was a lost cause for me.

Maybe it isn't.

I have a feeling that the more depressed I am the easier it is to learn from experience rather than reading. The truth is that I feel a terrible deficiency inside myself.

I am not disliked at work. I am slowly getting to know the males in this male dominated environment. I'm not one to generally get to know others, but I think I am putting some effort in. I think I am making (slow) progress.

Yesterday, though, I took a shower and told myself I don't care about men. I know exactly why I have trouble speaking to them. It is because of the fear I had around my father. Especially around media, which he prohibited and would shame us for indulging in. Eventually I learned not to speak to him or engage with him because it wouldn't go well. I'm scared that the men will ignore me like my father did or be mean, and I won't be allowed to work here, in a place that deals with media.

I saw a portrait of two girls and their dad (my colleague) playing on a swing set in his office today. The frame had butterflies on it and said "Princess". I felt really touched, even though it doesn't have anything to do with me, and probably teared up a little. All I want(ed) is to be a princess so I am glad they get to have a dad that seems smart but also caring and gentle who loves them and puts pictures of them in his office. He seems proud to be affectionate to them, because of his picture frame. Our interactions have been quiet and calm.

I am afraid of men.

At the same time, I feel so fresh. I don't know yet what the conclusion of this post is. I feel so deeply that my inner child was abandoned a long time ago, and that I need to raise it up for myself, in solitude. But I don't know how to do this all by myself. I will always want attention and want to be cared for.

I think I solved it somewhat this week. I know why I have trouble with men, but I won't care too much. I know my approach to communicating with them is troublesome--I don't converse with them unless they speak to me first, and I'm not friendly unless their friendly to me first, and I don't relax around them until possibly half a year later--but I'm not too worried about fixing it. I think I'm fine; my relationship to men is fine. I'm doing the best I can. I don't have any father issues because my approach to men is ok. Not anything I need to worry about. If I don't worry about this, I don't have to worry about them being manifestations of my father.

I think I will always be a somewhat distant person, but it is ok. I do feel I am objectively more in control this way, and that is a good thing.

I feel happy sitting with myself for a while, content. I don't know why thinking of my inner child hurts so much--I feel trapped and in pain and so sad--but I am happy to sit with my adult self and heal and grow from a distance. I feel pretty whole, but maybe my child won't ever be.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I feel a terrible deficiency inside myself.

Is it possible your mother (both parents???) had a personal interest in you being "deficient" in some areas so as to fill her own need to demean and berate?

(No need to reply. My observation is some parents use their children in dysfunctional ways.)