[Jane2018]

I am up at my usual ungodly hour, having woken at 4 a.m. Never sleep anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like a deaf mute. Like I can't speak. It feels like too much work, and I am so tired I tend not to want to talk. Yet at the same time, I know this is not good and I am becoming isolated. Generally, people do not notice that I am not talking much. Perhaps I have become lazy, as it is almost easier not to share than it is to converse. In that way, I realize I am to blame.
Everything seems to take an inordinate amount of effort lately; I tend to wake up with things I plan to do, then end up not accomplishing them. It's as if I am in one of two states- either feeling nervous, jittery or uncomfortable sitting in my own skin, or listless and flat, like my arms and legs are made of lead. Given the choice between going out or staying in, I retreat to my bed and lie down.
I used to be peaceful. I don't know what happened. I just don't understand why I am like this. I want to get out of it, but I don't know quite how. So a day will pass, I'll resolve to turn over a new leaf and be different, or approach things differently, or think about things differently, and then another day will pass, and I'll realize I am still where I started.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Jane2018.

My depression first presented as sleep disturbances, particularly early morning awakenings.

I have "episodes" where I am seized by an overwhelming disinclination to speak or communicate. It is as if my mind has declared an emergency and requires all its powers to maintain the most basic of functions, speaking not being one of them.

As tempting as it is to immediately investigate depression or a related psychological cause, are you in a position to have a full medical examination just to rule out any other possible or accompanying conditions?

Please make yourself at home here.

[Jane2018]

Thanks so much for replying. I am actually going to the doctor tomorrow. I had labs drawn yesterday. I don't think I have a medical issue, but I am very, very tired, and it is not like me to be this exhausted.
In terms of speaking, I tend to be a bit of a recluse anyway, a bit reflective. But my exhaustion is causing me to be more this way.
I am a little concerned about these test results. As much as I feel at times that I live for my children and at times feel discouraged about my own future, I do not wish to leave the planet. I just want to rest. I wonder if I am having some sort of midlife crisis. My children are older but they still need me and are very much at the forefront of my life.
Part of what has been happening is that I do things with the kids, and then when they go off with their friends or do their activities, I am too tired to do much of anything. So when they are present, I am present. But when they are busy, if I have the option, I lay down and stay alone. It's not good. In some ways, it would be a relief if they found something physically wrong that could explain this, so long as it could be fixed and wasn't heinous.