[MtnTime2896]

This brain of mine, it's ability to handle what it does is what my T refers to as "impressive". The way it can function while in the on the cusp of a breaking point. The way it can maintain itself enough to push past that break would be impressive if it didn't hit, yet another, breaking point. Eventually this brain will end and even though this brain is mine, I cannot predict it's ending.

Everyday, it doesn't matter how positive the environment or mood, this brain plays out thoughts of death. It's never stopped, not since it started in the third grade. Beforehand, while death came in and out of my mind, death wasn't always available programming. Eight years old, things happened. A lot happened. Too much happened and this brain of mine split into factions. Each faction held it's own story but kept drifting into isolation. And now I'm trying to bring those factions together.

Lately, this inability for my brain to communicate within itself has caused external issues. The things people see (stuttering, disorganized thought & behavior, talking to "thin air", occasional apathy, inability to get out of bed and obvious disinterest), those things have become a cancer in my life. This external disease has chased so many away. I wish I could join those who flee... some days it's all I want, but I'm trapped within myself.

I wish people could realize that I live in two worlds, two different lives: The one people share with me and one I live in with factions of myself. I wish people knew that just because I live two separate lives, it doesn't mean I have the physical and mental energy to keep up with both. One of these worlds, I can escape from a great majority of the time, sometimes whether I want to or not. I can't escape the factions. I've tried to escape with art, with exercise, with alcohol, with drugs... but there's no true escape.

This brain of mine is trying to kill me. Still, this brain of mine won't let me die.