[nikon]

i've had depression for a really really long time, and the severity varies between disabling and just feeling grey all the time. over the past few years i've had periods of "remission" where i've been a lot better. over the past couple of months i've been a LOT better, so happy and functioning and keeping a full time job and studying, and over the past two weeks i've got even more energy and feel like doing Everything all the time, almost feel superhuman at times. my medication did change slightly a couple of weeks ago, but i thought, if anything, that would have a negative effect, because it was decreased slightly. over the past two months i have felt like the change is too good to be true, especially being able to do college work and work at the same time. right now it still feels a bit too good to be true. i'm kind of hyper but i just feel like i can get a lot done. one thing is i just feel like communicating with people all the time, and i'm not great at talking, so i just feel like messaging people all the time and writing a whole lot. i kind of feel like it is too good to be true, and i'm going to slide back into grey days.

there's a lot of stuff i just feel like telling people, but i don't think people will want to hear anyway, because it's just random stuff. i emailed my psychiatrist about something last week to ask advice but i didn't get a reply yet, and that always leaves me wondering whether i am going to get a reply or not. and i kind of want to make a decision about changing therapists but i don't want to wait until the next time i see my therapist. but i think it would be a bit rude to email and say i'm not coming any more, because i've seen the therapist for over two years, and even though i wouldn't feel anything, i've done that before and feel bad about it.

i'm kind of struggling to sleep very well but i think it's because i'm sick at the moment. usually i really really struggling to wake up in the mornings. i want to go to sleep early so that i can get enough sleep but i woke up about three times.

i want to write a lot now, and it makes me want to make a blog again, but i always worry that people would be able to trace it back to me in reality. i would really really hate for that to happen. posting on here i always get this vague anxiety that people i know will somehow know i'm posting on here, or my therapist or dr will find out and i would just hate it. while i'm feeling good i just want to do ALL the work so i can make ALL the money right now and save it up for when i feel down again. i don't usually have "ups" like this, but i'm always scared i'll have more downs.

sorry for posting such a lot of crap, but i'm not sure where else to write - i don't have a blog, and it gets frustrating just typing to myself, and friends are not going to read such long messages - although i'm not expecting anyone here to read such long messages either. i'm a bit worried that i'm going to crash soon and feel really ****