[BreakForTheLight]

I'm sitting here at work, it's a normal day, nothing has happened.... And yet I've felt like I'm on the verge of tears since I got up this morning. I can't focus on anything. And I've been feeling extremely tired for a week.

Maybe it's just something small. Like hormones (although usually I get very emotional with PMS and maybe the first day or two of monthly hell I get grumpy, meaning I should be back to normal by now). Or the weather. It's very grey and bleak and cold today. Or a cold or something that my body is trying to fight off. Maybe it'll be better next week.

But this is how my first big depressive episode started. I just started crying out of nowhere on my way to school and had to turn around and go home. I feel like going home now. But I don't want to get stuck in that black hole again I know if I miss any work due to feeling low, it'll only get harder to go back.

My depressive episodes have mostly been situational and the situation right now isn't as bad as before but it's not exactly pleasant at work, either. One of my coworkers has been giving me the silent treatment for.... Almost two months now, I guess, and no one sees what she's doing. I've even talked to my team lead but she only sees a "conflict" between us where I see behavior that is close to bullying so I do feel like I am on my own here.

Edit: I've gone home. Given my current state I do believe that was the right decision but I still feel bad for giving in. A weakling, a failure. I'm letting everyone down

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not a failure nor a weakling. I'm sorry you feel so bad. What are you currently doing to take care of your depression? Do you see a therapist?

How did you "get over" your past depressive episodes?

[SparkySmart]

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

One of my coworkers has been giving me the silent treatment for.... Almost two months now, I guess, and no one sees what she's doing. I've even talked to my team lead but she only sees a "conflict" between us where I see behavior that is close to bullying...

Make no mistake about it...the "silent treatment/cold shoulder" is, in fact, a sophisticated and cruel bullying tactic. It's hard to pin down, though, because it's subtle, others don't see it, and it's impossible to prove. It creates a hostile workplace, but employers can't address it, and the individual doing it would deny it anyway. There's a LOT online about it.

I wish I had answers, but I would advise you not to doubt your instincts here. They're right on target. The most I could do was refuse to break eye contact with this person when we passed each other in the hallway; I would force myself to relax and even smile.

ETA: If you need or want work-related information from her, be sure to do it in the presence of others.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

You're not a failure nor a weakling. I'm sorry you feel so bad. What are you currently doing to take care of your depression? Do you see a therapist?

How did you "get over" your past depressive episodes?

To be honest, I'm not even sure at what point I "got over" it, I struggled for years. The therapist I was seeing at the time wasn't much help, in fact I think she only made things worse.
It got a little better when I changed schools, at least mild enough to finish school and uni after. But I was still in a hopeless situation living at home and unemployed. Only after I got a job and moved away from home did I see a real change.

Last time I saw a therapist was two years ago. Did not have a good experience with that one, either So at the moment I'm just trying to keep my head above water by myself.

I messaged my dad about going home ill. He read it hours ago but hasn't responded. I feel he's disappointed in me He's always telling me to keep going, to not call in sick. But I was just broken today.

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

Make no mistake about it...the "silent treatment/cold shoulder" is, in fact, a sophisticated and cruel bullying tactic. It's hard to pin down, though, because it's subtle, others don't see it, and it's impossible to prove. It creates a hostile workplace, but employers can't address it, and the individual doing it would deny it anyway. There's a LOT online about it.

I wish I had answers, but I would advise you not to doubt your instincts here. They're right on target. The most I could do was refuse to break eye contact with this person when we passed each other in the hallway; I would force myself to relax and even smile.

ETA: If you need or want work-related information from her, be sure to do it in the presence of others.

Thank you for this. It's really frustrating as even a coworker could see the hostile environment, see who was causing it.... But somehow doesn't believe it's intentional??

In the end, I just wanted my team lead's help to get out of there. Instead I got a (well-meaning) lecture about running away from conflict.

I hope today is... just a bump in the road, and not the beginning of a downward slide. Although it's weird that it would happen without any cause.

It's hard to even feed myself a decent meal today. All I want is to stuff my face with junk.

[SparkySmart]

Just keep posting. You'll get lots of support here.

[BreakForTheLight]

Today is a struggle. Everything feels like a huge, impossible task. Grocery shopping, doing the dishes, even washing a few tomatoes to eat.

I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm fighing back tears when I have go outside, then they start pouring when I come back home.... for no reason???

Yesterday I requested a ticket for a convention next year. I think if it hadn't been for the other person that I was also requesting a ticket for, I wouldn't even have bothered. Now I just regret spending all that money, because I can't get exited about it. Hopefully of course by next year I will be.....

[BreakForTheLight]

Is there still a chance this is very temporary and I'll be fine again on Monday?

I'm already dreading going back to work. Going to the supermarket that's five minutes away for some very quick shopping was already hard, I can't imagine eight hours at work. But I don't really have any other options. To stay at home I'd need to see a doctor, and I don't have one. I don't want to see my old doctor anymore and I don't want to go to someone new and immediately be that depressed girl and having every single thing afterwards blamed on depression/stress.

I also don't want to become isolated as I don't have any friends and my family is in another country. Not going to work will have me sinking deeper very quickly.

[SparkySmart]

Sure, Break, there's a chance that this is temporary. You might want to have a Plan B, though. Try to pamper yourself today, and get lots of sleep tonight. A new doctor wouldn't necessarily conclude that everything can be attributed to depression/stress, though they are often interrelated. Situational depression is still depression! Take care of yourself!

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

Sure, Break, there's a chance that this is temporary. You might want to have a Plan B, though. Try to pamper yourself today, and get lots of sleep tonight. A new doctor wouldn't necessarily conclude that everything can be attributed to depression/stress, though they are often interrelated. Situational depression is still depression! Take care of yourself!

Thanks.

I am feeling a little better today. Forced myself to go for a run this morning and I felt better after. No more crying today and I managed to get some chores done at least.

Still dreading work tomorrow. Lots of sleep - I wish I could but now the sadness has faded a little, anxiety has come in its place and I think it'll be hard to get any sleep at all tonight *sigh* things can never just go well...

I've been thinking about this job opening I saw within the company I work for two weeks ago. I was going to apply but I haven't really had the focus to do so. Now I'm scared it might be too late. I'm also not sure if I really want to leave. I want to be away from this toxic person, yes, but taking any other job in this city would almost certainly mean a drop in salary, plus I really appreciate our flexible hours and that they're pretty easy going with holidays (and sick days, which I've had a lot of. In other departments I probably already would have gotten a talking to). And I like my team, apart from one person. I usually don't fit in anywhere but I feel comfortable here. Or I did, before this situation. It'd be a lot to give up And it pisses me off that one person has driven me this far. I know the history of depression is my issue, stronger people would have just ignored it....... But I just don't understand why anyone would purposely make someone else feel miserable. Of course I've known people I didn't like and I would have been glad to see karma kick them in the ***, but how can you actively do this to someone?

[SparkySmart]

Hi again, Break. Now I don't know this toxic person, of course, but I dealt with a very similar situation according to how I interpret your description. I can only tell you what I experienced. I asked the very same question you're asking..."How can [anyone] actively do this to someone?" Believe me, I don't know how. Its a pretty powerful thing to utterly ignore someone, especially when your paths necessarily cross in the workplace. One time I asked the toxic person in my department a question, when we were the only ones in the hallway, and she said, "Don't bother me. You don't exist." And then she slammed a door in my face, hard enough to knock off my glasses. No witnesses. I've been bipolar for over 40 years, but I had never experienced anything like this, and my personality literally fragmented on the spot. I feared for my sanity.

I think it takes a very odd person to behave this way. When I researched the matter, it was recommended that an individual behaving this way should never be directly confronted, and that the only solution is to surrender and leave the job before things escalate. If you have an opportunity to apply for that other position, I would encourage you to try. If not, the pros of your current position outweigh the cons, in my opinion. There are toxic people everywhere, on every job. Don't let her destroy your peace, your balance, your sense of humor. She is the one here with the problem, not you. Make strong alliances with your other co-workers for protection. Act as if you haven't even noticed that there was a problem; this will probably infuriate her... and that would be cool.

Oh...I was laid off work after this had been going on for over a year, so my solution was out of my hands. A blessing, really.

People on the forum who have more savvy than I will probably have better advice!

So I may have wrongly interpreted your situation, but your story resonates with me. Have a fabulous week! You can do it.

[BreakForTheLight]

I am so sorry something similar happened to you! It really is a ****** situation to be in, there's not much you can do. Kill them with kindness, maybe, but that's only a possibility if you're a strong, happy person. How long ago was this? How are you doing now?

Unfortunately there has already been a kind of confrontation..... Another coworker sent an e-mail to our team lead about the situation who then arranged a meeting between me, her and the team lead. Which was an utter disaster. She displayed so much anger and I had to leave the room after 5 or 10 minutes because I started crying. When I came back and we continued the conversation, she just lied.

It sounds like your coworker was just purely evil At least mine isn't that bad. She is desperate to be liked so she won't go any further than just pretending I don't exist, no doors slamming in my face, luckily. I think she has a lot of issues and someone should really protect her from herself, but it seems like no one can see.

I think what hurts the most, more than her behaviour, is the lack of support from my coworkers Especially my team lead and the two people who sit right next to us. Not that they're taking her side but it hurts that they're still friendly with my bully. I know it shouldn't bother me - they're staying neutral, that's a professional attitude. It makes me feel very alone though.

I was back at work today but I'm still considering getting a doctor to sign me off sick for a little while. I'm so exhausted, even after a good night's sleep. Which I'm guessing is depression's doing.... I was honestly dizzy with exhaustion on my way home.

And oh god, the sugar cravings are terrible. I really wanted to lose some weight for the summer but now I'm too scared to even step on a scale. I'm sure my weight has gone up and I feel so heavy I feel like I NEED chocolate and cookies and ice cream. I'm trying to resist, I know that I'll regret it if I give in, but it's SO strong!

[SparkySmart]

My situation lasted from about July 2016 to August 2017. I was laid off in August. She wasn't laid off; she still works there. I finally griped to a patient friend about this bully non-stop long enough that I got her out of my system. I'm semi-retired now and work part-time at a local college. Being laid off was not exactly the solution I sought, but it got me out of the situation pronto. I'm doing great now! Thanks for asking!

I tried the "kill 'em with kindness" tact, but I felt that it made me look weak by appearing that I was seeking her approval or something. The door-slamming incident was alarming; if I had gone to HR, she would have smiled and said, "Oh! So sorry! I didn't even know you were there!" I was seeing a therapist during this time who had absolutely no idea how to handle it. Just thinking about the bully creeps me out.

The confrontational meeting sounds just awful. Your team lead would have to be very skilled indeed to get good results from this. It would be like asking two fighting siblings to kiss and make up. I would have cried, too. Watching other people being friendly with the bully is hard, I know. I wanted so much for others to witness what was happening and rally behind me, but that never happened. Yes, I felt isolated, like an outsider. Still, you know that she's desperate to be liked, and she has a lot of issues, so others are probably aware of this on some level. If your co-workers are being neutral, then that's what you should also strive for. You don't need to be afraid of her anger; it's not like she's going to cross the room and bonk you on the head with a stapler (although that might be easier to deal with, frankly).

To say this shouldn't bother you is folly. Of course it does! What is the saying, "The greatest revenge is living well"? You can do this!! I know you can.

Yeah, the sugar seems to help. Try not to give in, but be kind to yourself.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

My situation lasted from about July 2016 to August 2017. I was laid off in August. She wasn't laid off; she still works there. I finally griped to a patient friend about this bully non-stop long enough that I got her out of my system. I'm semi-retired now and work part-time at a local college. Being laid off was not exactly the solution I sought, but it got me out of the situation pronto. I'm doing great now! Thanks for asking!

Wow, you had to deal with that for over a year? That must have been terrible. But respect for making it through that! I'm glad to hear you're doing good now

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

Still, you know that she's desperate to be liked, and she has a lot of issues, so others are probably aware of this on some level. If your co-workers are being neutral, then that's what you should also strive for. You don't need to be afraid of her anger; it's not like she's going to cross the room and bonk you on the head with a stapler (although that might be easier to deal with, frankly).

I only noticed it when this situation happened. Although I saw some minor issues in her before that. But I think people who struggle with mental health themselves are more able to see beneath the surface in other people, so there's a good chance that others don't see it.
You're right, it would be easier to deal with physical violence People around us would definitely notice that! (And I'm bigger and stronger than she is so I'd have a better chance to defend myself )

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

To say this shouldn't bother you is folly. Of course it does! What is the saying, "The greatest revenge is living well"? You can do this!! I know you can.

Thank you for saying this!! I realize I've been telling myself a lot of things I should do or shouldn't do and it's not helpful.

I gave in and went to see my doctor this morning. I'm signed off from work until Thursday next week. Part of me sees it as defeat and is worried about her and my other coworkers growing closer again without me around. But I also feel very relieved. I can spend some time just taking care of myself, resting, gathering my strength, and not having to see her for a while!

[SparkySmart]

Yahoo! You have time now to recuperate and plan your comeback. Go laugh, cry, run, see a movie, sleep late, buy new shoes, get some perspective. Take the power back. You're a hero.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

Yahoo! You have time now to recuperate and plan your comeback. Go laugh, cry, run, see a movie, sleep late, buy new shoes, get some perspective. Take the power back. You're a hero.

That's a funny way to spell coward

Ack, sorry, just kidding, no putting myself down! I did something I was scared of today by going to see my old doctor!

Thank you so much for your support!

P.s. Although you can never have too many shoes.... I probably should think of something else to comfort shop for

[BreakForTheLight]

Little update.

I was slightly worried that sitting at home would make me lonely and depressed, but honestly I have only felt relieved. Even on days when I didn't do much more than watch Netflix, I didn't get upset with myself for wasting the day. I've had some anxiety and felt frustrated/miserable when my body was misbehaving, but nowhere near that dark hopelessness of depression. so that's good!

Although I have to say now the fact that I have to go back on Thursday is starting to cast a bit of a cloud. Especially after I just checked the work calendar and noticed that friendly coworker is off work when I go back so it'll just be me, ice queen and her friend.

Today is a bit blah but that could be hormonal again. (Ugh I never used to have this before.... I had PMS and period cramps, now I've also got complaints halfway through my cycle )

[SparkySmart]

Ohhh! You have Netflix too? I just watched "Brain on Fire" and "Wild Wild Country" and found both interesting.

Don't let returning to work cast a cloud on your week! You still have some time! Enjoy it!

Thanks for letting people know how you're doing.

Good that you gave in and went to see your doctor. Did he/she prescribe any meds?

[BreakForTheLight]

I have to go back tomorrow and I don't really feel ready I've been doing okay until now, anxiety kicking in, plus my birthday coming up next week and arguing with my dad on the phone tonight has made me very sad and feeling nothing ever works out the way I want it to I used to think maybe this coworker and I could be friend.... and look how that's turned around.

I have four days off work around my birthday (2 days are the weekend) and I can't do what I was hoping for there, either. Altough I guess hoping for a concert from one of my fave. musicians on exactly the right weekend was a bit of a long shot. But now my parents are coming over so I can't go away for the weekend either. (And my parents coming over is.... not 100% positive)

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

Ohhh! You have Netflix too? I just watched "Brain on Fire" and "Wild Wild Country" and found both interesting.

Don't let returning to work cast a cloud on your week! You still have some time! Enjoy it!

Thanks for letting people know how you're doing.

Yes, Netflix and Amazon Prime video. I don't have a tv so need some way to pass the time
I saw part of the trailer for Brain on Fire and it looked interesting but also a little scary.

Originally Posted by Desiree2006

Good that you gave in and went to see your doctor. Did he/she prescribe any meds?

Nope, the topic didn't come up and I wouldn't have wanted any.

[SparkySmart]

Yeah, Brain On Fire looks scary but turns out well.

You may have to return to work tomorrow, but it'll only be for two days and then you'll have the weekend. Go back into the office determined to be cheerful and upbeat, even though you're returning from sick leave (?) for the last several days. "Gosh! I'm so glad to be back! Thanks for covering for me. I feel great now...thanks for asking! What did I miss? Bring me up to date on things!" Try to be breezy. lol

About this co-worker, and your thinking that you could have been friends...that's usually the case, I think. It's not impossible even now, but the damage would have to be repaired and new boundaries set maybe.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

You may have to return to work tomorrow, but it'll only be for two days and then you'll have the weekend. Go back into the office determined to be cheerful and upbeat, even though you're returning from sick leave (?) for the last several days. "Gosh! I'm so glad to be back! Thanks for covering for me. I feel great now...thanks for asking! What did I miss? Bring me up to date on things!" Try to be breezy. lol

That's my plan.... Well, maybe not that cheerful, that wouldn't be me haha. But it's been my plan before and then flew out of the window as soon as I was faced with her negative vibes

Originally Posted by SparkySmart

About this co-worker, and your thinking that you could have been friends...that's usually the case, I think. It's not impossible even now, but the damage would have to be repaired and new boundaries set maybe.

No, not gonna happen, I'm done. I see her completely differently now. There were some minor things that annoyed me before that I tried to ignore, but now I feel that she is toxic. I honestly would be happy if I never had to see her again. Sucks that we still work together.

[SparkySmart]

Not that cheery, huh? LOL Okie-dokie.

I live in a small town, and there's a strong likelihood that I'll run into my bully one day. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet; it's not like there are that many places to shop, ya know? But, in my mind's eye, I see us passing each other in an aisle at WalMart or the grocery store and wonder what I would do. But I don't need to worry...she ignored me on the job, and she'll look right through me at WalMart, too...with a wide-eyed, white-toothed smile, sort of demented looking. Weird. I guess I'm completely invisible.

[SparkySmart]

Hoping things are going well now that you've returned to work. I look forward to an update...

[BreakForTheLight]

Things are going...... okay.

I'm so tired. Obviously the night before my first day back I didn't get much sleep. And sitting in an office for 8 hours isn't healthy for anyone. Work was fine, not fun but not as bad as before.

Apart from that, I don't know, I've managed to avoid that big black hole but it's not great. I still feel a little down, can't really get excited about things. But then there's not that much to get excited about....

[SparkySmart]

Awwww. I'm so sorry. Just keep posting, OK?