Scared of falling back

Wow! I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! That sounded pretty scary! I hope things get better soon!

aaaaaaaaaaaargh I swear, next time my parents come over, my dad is banned from the kitchen! "I'm being very careful" Right, that is why there is pancake batter and cherries everywhere. I don't even like pancakes that much, they make me kinda nauseous. But my dad thinks they're a treat and brought a kilo of cherries and I can't tell him no because he takes everything personal I'm gonna go hungry tonight because I can't eat much. Feeling so frustrated right now!

Sorry it didn't work out with the dogs Keeping my fingers crossed for a real yorkie soon?

Am I being ungrateful? I know my parents mean well but I'm so annoyed. I was thinking about going away for the weekend when they told me they were coming over. I rather would have gone away. My flat is too small for three people to sit here all day. I can't stand it.
Last time they were here, my mum already had her leg and back issues and couldn't walk more than two minutes at a snail pace without stopping. I told her we wouldn't be able to go anywhere. She said she'd just take some painkillers and it'd be fine. But we've been holed up in my flat the past two days because she can't walk.
I know she is frustrated too and I feel bad when I complain..... But it was a little selfish of her to insist on coming over. Now we're all frustrated and bored and wasting a lovely sunny day.

And my dad..... He gets so hurt and disappointed whenever I don't like something he likes or wanted to do or cook or whatever and it makes me feel so guilty like the pancakes. And he acts like he's at home here which I'm sorry but he's not, he's a guest in my house!
When they just left, it felt like he couldn't get away from me soon enough. I think he was insulted. He was cold and distant when we said goodnight.
PMS has reached its peak, (I almost cried at Dirty Dancing), I'm feeling so sad and want to cry and I don't even know why, and he's acting like this.

And I know this is silly but I get annoyed with the NOISE they make when they walk around. My building is old and every step from my parents makes the entire flat shake. My poor neighbours downstairs from me. The way my mum is shuffling about like an old lady. I know she has the leg & back pains but she is also very much overweight and it's entirely due to her not taking care of herself.

I'm going home next month so it wasn't like this was the only chance to see me. I might've even gone home this weekend if they hadn't come here.
I warned my mom I wasn't doing well emotionally and she said "we'll be there to cheer you up!" yeah...I'm not feeling cheered up AT ALL right now. Only rejected and alone.

Awwww Break. Sorry. Relationships with parents are tricky and emotionally laden. I don't think you're being ungrateful, kiddo...you're being human.

I know you weren't trying to be funny, but I used to be annoyed by the noise my parents made, too. LOL My mom (now age 97, in a nursing home) was always a whirlwind of energy and loved people (people loved her, too). She's in a wheelchair now (I got her a red one because it matches her personality), but I honestly think she'll outlive me. She's...IDK...a happy person. Always has been. Makes me wonder if I was adopted.

But I digress. Visiting with, or being visited by, my parents was still stressful once I had moved on. It wasn't anyone's fault...it was just reality.

But I don't want you to feel rejected or alone, Break! I think you're awesome! I don't stand on a stage and sing for just anyone, ya know. You can post your frustrations here as much as you want with no judgment...that's pretty cool. Also, your nemesis won't be at work this coming week so THAT's something to celebrate.

I hate it when people tell me to perk up. Sometimes I just need to cry. No crime in that.

Whoa. A kilo of cherries? Like 2-1/4 pounds (I had to look it up). I could eat that up in a flash...but then I'd have a stomach ache. Been there, done that. I have no self control.

uuuugh, they did a f cking video for her birthday at work today. The entire team. Except me. bleeeeegh. Why can't anyone see what a witch she is?

Oh no. A VIDEO? Oh, that is just CREEPY.

ICK.

Oh no. I feel like I need a sick bucket. I’m sorry. She really does sound like a witch

Btw the sick bucket needs to be very large indeed for me, I’m almost ready for hibernation

We were just informed that evil b tch queen has been promoted and I'm taking it harder than expected. It's not exactly a surprise, I knew it might be coming. But my god it hurts.
She just has every single person here wrapped around her finger. I want out. I'm sending my application for that other position tonight.

Ugh, my emotions are boiling over. I have to go back inside.... But I can't focus on my work. I've already run off to cry twice. Breaking down. Five hours until I can go home.

Only two hours left now?

Hey Break -- There are lots of business-savvy people on Psych Central. Maybe some of them will chime in with some suggestions. I think my reaction would be to just leave, but I would do so on the best terms possible and say nothing whatsoever about the problem. Other people on PC may know better how to deal with all of this.

Yes, two very long hours.... Time is going so slow today

I really wish I had someone from my team to talk to. I'm thankful for this forum but I feel completely alone here. The two coworkers next to me must've noticed my breakdown. No one asked if I'm okay. on the one hand I'm glad because I only would've started crying but on the other hand, some support would have been nice.....

((((Break)))) It's always nice to have a confidant in the workplace who gets what you're going through and even agrees with your perception of events. However, every time I've confided in a sympathetic co-worker, they fail to keep the confidence. It's just human nature to want to stir the pot, I guess, and watch the fallout with glee. JMO, working with people is a PITA.

Funny thing (for me) is that, had I understood the dynamics of a group up front, I would have played my cards so differently. Know what I mean? If I knew in advance who had the capacity to be a bully, I would immediately set up boundaries and keep my distance. But I never figure it out until they've discovered my Achilles heel. Ugh. Anyone have a crystal ball for sale? Maybe the solution is to be very guarded all the time until people earn your trust.

It’s most wise to be guarded. People need to EARN my trust. It took me rather a long time to learn that vital life lesson.

I spent 16 weeks in full time therapy learning how to NOT be closed off and distant with people

The upside about this company and its very high turnover is that if you do end up trusting the wrong person, they'll probably be gone within a year, anyway.
Except of course if they get promoted. They tend to stick around at that level So yep, guess I will have to be the one to leave.

There are two people that I used to work with that I still trust 100%. Of course since they don't work there anymore, they can't talk to anyone on my team :P Sadly I don't see them much anymore

TBC because more stuff happened today that I need got get off my chest, but first I need some food

Happy to listen.

"If you end up trusting the wrong person, they'll probably be done within a year." Funny. Well, sad really. But still kinda funny. Maybe not ha-ha funny.

There's not much turnover where I work. I only work there part-time, but it's a government facility, so FT employees have fabulous benefits. I don't get them, so, ya know, I could walk away and not lose anything. People there are WAY territorial, understandably. I would tell you what I actually think of the job but I'm afraid someone might hear me. LOL Shhhhh.

I spent more than 16 weeks in therapy supposedly trying to learn that..

The therapist didn’t tell me his real agenda though, it’s “complicated”

I’m happy to listen too and offer grrrrrrr’s and the occasional insight maybe

Doesn’t sound cool I’m a grizzly, we have quite big ears

^^^^See THAT, Break?^^^^

Fuzzy and I are listening.

I've got all the time in the world.

Thanks Sparky and Fuzzy!

I slipped up today. I was with my other coworker and the promotion came up and I started ranting a little. I don't want to seem bitter but it's boiling inside of me so much.....

So the other thing. I had my performance review yesterday. Had a little conversation with my team lead, everything sounded okay, although she did of course mention some area's I still need to work on. One of her comments was that I often come across as harsh, which I think might be more of a cultural thing - people from my country are known for being direct. (At least I'm honest, unlike passive aggressive coworker!)

Anyway. Then I read a summary of what she'd written about me. Mostly the same as what she told me but.... Some of it stung. Like the way she mentioned I'm introverted as if that's a negative thing. That I often seem to feel uncomfortable. That I can't maintain eye contact. Which has absolutely NO effect on how well I do my job. My job is sitting at my computer. Most communication is done through chat. And when I do need to communicate in person with other team members, I do just fine! There are plenty of people who hardly ever speak up in our team meetings.
And yes, I've felt uncomfortable in one on one conversations with her about the conflict/bullying but maybe that's because she is too intense in her eye contact??? And of course that whole thing was an unpleasant situation about a difficult subject!
The introvert comment really rubs me the wrong way, as that's not something I can change and it's not something that should be seen as negative.

And the comment that I am too harsh and also that I don't handle change the right way - last year she asked me to search out trainings offered in the company that interested me. I had "dealing with change" and something about working in an intercultural environment on my list. she rejected those options, saying those other two weren't relevant in my job. (I did time management training instead and THAT really was a waste of time and not relevant to my job!) Also, other coworkers have done those trainings I wasn't allowed to do.

I know she really wanted me to do a different training.....can't remember the exact name but it was something to do with personality and first impression. Yeah, great idea, put someone with a diagnosed personality disorder in a group with people who are maybe just a little bit shy or insecure. Tell them what they're doing wrong in presenting themselves. That's not going to trigger the self hate at all! And I'm sure one day of training will make a HUGE improvement, much more than all those YEARS of therapy!!!
(Okay, my team lead doesn't know I have a personality disorder. And I'd rather not tell her. But there's no way that training is a good idea!)

Also haven't been sleeping well for a while and today I've really hit a low in how I'm feeling physically. I am so tired. I somehow made it through the day but now I'm in bed and I think I actually got a little bit of sleep already, I'm at that horrible point of too tired to fall asleep. I really feel like crap. Put away my book because I was too tired to read but then as I tried to relax, close my eyes and go back to sleep, anxiety hit. I can't sleep again.

Not sleeping is probably another sign I'm not doing well emotionally I keep falling asleep but then waking up again after a short while and then I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Sorry things are so tough, Break. I'm often accused of being too direct too. It's not a cultural thing with me, just my personality I think. I like to be upfront.

About sleep, I stopped having caffeine after around 3, and now I sleep much better at night. Just something to try.

Well, JMO...I think that the sleep issue and fatigue are related to the job. Really...try to imagine that you loved your job and the people you work with and felt supported and inspired and part of a team where you were respected for your unique contribution, and I guarantee you'd feel rested.

Seems to me that an evaluation should give you reasonable goals for improvement. I can't imagine being told that my eye contact patterns should change! The harsh comment...well, you don't seem harsh here.

I just get the feeling that it's time to move on, ya know? Starting over might be the answer?

Oh and also I'm not good at small talk.
I guess maybe in a way I should see it as a positive thing - they do appreciate that I do a good job and have nothing to add there? It just stings. PSA: being an introvert is not a bad thing!! I doubt I am the only one in our team, I wonder if other people have had the same comment?
And I do get a little bit of extra money from now on So leaving would probably mean an even bigger cut in salary

It's just this one person, that makes everything so hard. That's what's keeping me awake at night. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be thinking of leaving.
Before this happened, we had fun at work. I like my team, their one fault is being wrapped around evil coworkers fingers. And this one person is so hard to ignore because she has to be the center of everything. There's a few other people I wouldn't ever be friends with or anything, but I have no problem with them because they're just doing their job, keeping their head down..... Not constantly going "GIVE ME ATTENTION!!!!!"

I guess I was really hoping she would not get the promotion and would quit

Trying to write an application for the other job and I'm so nervous about not doing it well enough! I know it's silly, I tick all the boxes of what they're looking for, that should speak for itself, right? But I applied for a similar job within the company last year and did not get invited for an interview Although that was after receiving a test to do at home, guess they didn't like that enough.

Fun fact: I think from next month on there is going to be an option to include your outcome memo when applying for a job internally. Which is the text I mentioned before. It says GREAT things about how I do my job, but there's also the part that basically reads "ZERO SOCIAL SKILLS! RED FLAG ALERT!"

I'm having another bad moment. I feel so angry and hurt.

When this situation had just started, just before I went on holiday I had another conversation with my team lead. I told her why what our falling out was about. That I was worried about my coworker. That she might be acting like this because she wasn't feeling good. I asked my team lead to keep an eye on her. To talk to her and see if she's okay.

And now here I am. I am not doing okay at all. And who's there for me? NO ONE. I f cking broke down at work last week and no one even f cking noticed.