I'll be fine.

I've been saying that to myself over and over again, especially in the past few days. I keep saying it, repeating it and willing myself to believe it. I push it down my own throat. But there's a problem.



None of it will leave my mind. Every "I'll be fine" is attached to three cycles of these thoughts. But I'm gonna be fine. I have to be fine. For my family, for my friends. I just have to be.

Still, this weight on my chest is so damn heavy. The burning in my stomach is relentless. The headaches are gnawing at my sanity. The hallucinations have become so malevolent and outright cruel. I wish I was how I used to be, back when I could handle all of this. I'm not that person anymore, just a shard of what once was.

I hope you'll be fine, too. I didn't read your triggers because of the tenuous state I am in, also. I think you need to talk to your doctor about what's happening. Maybe a med change or some different therapy could help. We can't just talk ourselves out of some states. Okay?

I'll tell my T tomorrow if I can. It gets hard to talk about this verbally.

Please tell your T tomorrow if you can. I’m worried about you and you deserve some relief. Thinking of you and sending supportive vibes and big hugs.

Yes. Those attempts, that you survived, are your battle scars Só leigheas. Because life is like a battle - an inner battle. For me, every setback and every rock bottom that I've survived, I look at and say "see, you're actually a tough customer". And you are Só leigheas. Don't let the lamp of hope burn out please. See everything as an illusion. And it is.

I hope you'll be fine - not only because of others, but for yourself, as well.

My visions enter into my dreams, they have been for a while. I don't mean visions as in predicting the future, I mean videos inside of my head. But I'm starting to wonder if they have any basis of truth. It's so anxiety inducing. I can't quit panicking over it, fixating on it and I go back and forth on whether I believe it or not. I don't think I'm delusional here but I don't know what's wrong. Why won't these visions leave me alone? Why won't they just stop?

I hope you'll be able to see your therapist soon.

I see him today. In three hours actually.

That’s good. I hope he is able to help you feel better.

Was your T appointment helpful?

Hope you feel better soon.

Yes, I hear you. Wishing you good feelings today, Só leigheas.

One thing that takes the fear or concern or negative thoughts out of death, for me, and I'm wondering if you could look at it this way too, is that death is also an illusion. All our preconceptions, teachings, conditionings, ideas based around death as being a reality, are actually unfounded Só leigheas. It's the materialist way of looking at things. In reality there is no death. There's a continuation of the spirit, of consciousness, and I say that with 100% conviction - through studying the evidence - that it's true. The reason why I want you to know that is because it takes the sting out of the idea of death - death of people, beings, children, all living things. Sorry if that sounds a bit preachy or whatever, but set death aside please - have no fear. Become deathless and it'll help you navigate this life a little bit better, I think. That's true for me.

Hang in there good Só leigheas. Wishing you peace through nature.

I've read many of your posts and i just want to say I'm sorry for what you feel like. Life feels like hell at times. Not to compare, but I've felt like I've been through hell sometimes so i wish you better days

I went to the appointment. I wasn't able to talk about much of anything. I couldn't stop hallucinating and I couldn't keep a train of thought. I ended the session twenty minutes early because I couldn't keep focus enough.

[[[hugs]]]

Do you think the psychiatrist could help you?

I could try and see, but that appointment isn't until the 16th.

Yes, try, because I myself went off meds for a whole year to see if I could manage - but I couldn't manage. So I went back on meds and I must say they've helped.

Sorry to hear therapy wasn't that helpful