Better and Worse.

I've been having moments where I don't feel bad. I even feel a little good. I've also been having moments, moments like now when everything feels so much worse. I want to cry, but tears don't come to my eyes. I'm trapped in a prison of fake stoicism and it's killing me. I hardly notice the good moments. It doesn't feel like relief, it just feels normal. It's only when the bad stuff kicks in again that I realized what I had.
I'm tired of all of this. I say that I'm stable, that I can deal with it, but it's a lie. Another result of fake stoicism. I actively reject help, though I know I need it because getting help seems to hurt more than most things. It's admitting your own weakness, and I'm not strong enough to do that. I need a break. I need to just sleep for an entire week. I wish I could just go into a coma, or lose my memory or something that wouldn't hurt my friends and family as much as death.

This hit close to home. Really close.

(((Chez3)))

Hang in there, Chez3. It's not actually weak to admit you need help, it's a strength. Don't lose hope please.

((((hugs))))