[MtnTime2896]

Last night got hard. It stayed that way the whole way through.

Another morning I didn't want to wake up to....

I'm here. I don't want to be. But I don't have tunnel vision, no I'm pretty clear headed for being completely bat ****. I know what it means to leave like that. I'm aware of the weight of this decision.

I've been having this issue. Several times a day I'm feeling a lump in my throat, my eyes sting from unshed tears but they remain unshed. I need to cry but I can't. I've never needed to cry so often before. Are my meds even doing anything? If not, why am I still taking them?

I'm awake this morning and like every other morning, I feel worse about myself than I did yesterday. I freaked out last night, became completely consumed by flashbacks and hallucinations. This isn't the PTSD forum, so I won't be going into detail on that. The point is, I lost my edge. I sort of fell off of it.

I'm embarrassed. I couldn't even take care of myself for several hours as my friend had to babysit me. She's seen me like that before, but that doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. It took, what felt like to me, hours to get me calm enough to go back to the apartment filled with people.

I know this is turning into a longer post than I intended. Maybe I should wrap this up. I swear at my funeral I'm just going to be looked at as weak. I'm not saying that's where I'm heading soon, or even later. I don't know. That's part of the problem. One second my mind is mine and I have my **** together, the next I become a trembling mess, the next I'm in a meaningless trance designed my satan himself as the voice in my head drowns out everything else.

I guess that's it for me. A pathetic post from a pathetic user. Congratulations, I've successfully wasted your time with this thread. Pain is meant to be felt... but it's all I can feel and it won't end. I don't want to be living like this.

(((((So))))) you didn't waste my time with this thread, you deserve kindness and love

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( So leigheas )))))))
You never waste my time

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Sò leigheas)))) Please, keep writing. It's not a waste of time for us. And remember that you're NOT weak - not many people would be able to go through what you're going through... including myself. ((((Sò leigheas))))

[Bill3]

You are a really strong person.

You are one of the strongest people that I know.

You also are a really good writer.

Your post was not pathetic.

You are not a waste of time, ever.

As a matter of fact, I just now came to this forum specifically to see if you had posted anything new here.

If one is ill it doesn't mean he is weak, it means he's suffering and more likely stronger than those who aren't. You're a good person. I feel your pain, I feel like I am worthless and I waste everyone's time too but everybody tells me that's not the case. I wish I could believe but I don't. I feel you.

[MickeyCheeky]

We love you, my friend.

[MtnTime2896]

Honestly, reading all of your replies made me tear up a bit. Thank you guys.

((((Everyone))))

(((((So))))) we love you

[Bill3]

(((((You)))))