I wish I could go back and change the past

Lately I’ve been really struggling with the realisation I’m never going to be able to turn back time. I mean obsessively thinking about it to the point where it’s having a negative affect on my ability to function.

Short back story, I have BPD, undiagnosed until 19 (I’m 20). I dropped in and out of high school sometimes taking months off due to pretty bad anxiety depression suicide attempts blablabla. No one in my school really liked me as I was really annoying, a massive attention seeker and basically didn’t know how to act due to my BPD and no one telling me to rein it in and stfu. I found a few tweets the only other day of the pretty girls in my year completely taking the piss out of me, dated 5 years ago. Literally made me so sad, it’s all I’ve thought about for 3 days. All I ever wanted was to be popular. I never was.

I’ve been unemployed for 2 and a half years, I now have a young baby and I’m on benefits. Couldn’t work due to mental health but I’m much better now. Still terrified anxious and paranoid but better than I was.

Lately I’ve been really pining to go back to high school and start again with what I know now. I’ve been searching old photos of people in my year group, looking people up on Facebook, looking at pictures of my school and I am HEARTBROKEN.

All I want to do is go back. I missed out on prom, results day, all the house parties cos everyone hated me, moving onto college with my friends. Just normal milestones I never hit. I feel like I’ve been stuck at 15 years old for 5 years and I’m never going to be able to move forward unless I’m able to go back. I would do anything to start again.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Like they wasted the best years of their life on mental illness? Any advice on how to move past this?

Sorry, bit of a rant

I don't blame you for wanting that. I actually have had those thoughts, especially the past week or two. But. We can't. Even a real time machine if there could be one, isn't going to fix anything.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Sorry for your attempts... been there.

Is there any way you could start taking a few online courses? Something to bring up your self esteem and increase your knowledge in the area of education that you feel interested in?

Hang in there, there are many good people with more advice here to welcome you.

Welcome to Psych Central. Keep posting, I've had a lot of support by some determination and good will from the friends I've met here.

I recall replying to your first post. Yes I struggle with the realization I can never turn back time. I'm an old man now. And I have a whole lifetime of waste & loss to look back on. Sadly I caused most of it myself. So I have no one to blame but myself.

I don't have a mental health diagnosis although I've been kicking around the mental health system where I live for the better part of 20 years. I've written previously, here on PC, that I hope it can be said I was mentally ill all my life; because if not then it means I was just a bad seed.

I don't know how you move past this other than to develop a step-by-step plan for getting you where you want to be & work it. It is important, I think, not to look too far ahead too often. It can seem overwhelming. Just focus on one step at a time. And, of course, therapy may be helpful as well along the way. Here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:

When You Feel Lost

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

Living with Regrets and How to Deal with Them

A Powerful Exercise for Moving Past Regret

https://psychcentral.com/lib/top-tip...nd-priorities/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...dium=popular17

yes

like you, i missed out on a lot of school- not so much because people didn't like me (I chose to keep myself to myself, and never felt safe in a group), but also because I was in hospital a lot- and eventually the school said I couldn't come back because I just missed so much, meaning I'd quit really early on (but not down to me, down to the fact I was ill)

I always had an interest in animals and vets, and I actually went on a.. what was supposed to be a week's animal course- learning about the animals, learning how to look after them, learning about animal health, but after 2 days, I found myself back in the hospital and got a call from the teacher saying I couldn't return because I missed it (you had to be their every day to make the most of it)

so that was my education
I now don't have a single qualification to my name- as bad as it sounds, I don't really care. what I care more about is the fact that people half my age have done so much more than me and had so many more experiences- I don't know... taking someone to a school dance, having a kiss, graduating, going on a family vacation, going to a seaside, just things that you expect to do and expect to be excited about- I mean an example is the summer, everyone I know excited about what they are doing.. and theeir was me, every year, stuck inside with no plans- the same with september, everyone knew where they were going/ what they were doing, not me.

I'd like those experiences. compared to someone half my age, I feel pretty cheated

I suppose the only thing you can do is live in the present (as tough as it is). you can't go back, I know I want to though

I wish I could rewind time. And undo the mistakes I did. Unfortunately, that's nowhere near possible.

So do I, but the best we can do is to do better in the future. Hugs.

((((Limabean777)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. I think everyone would want to rewind time and undo past mistakes... but unfortunately that's not really possible. What we can do, however, is learn from the past and change the future... I'm sorry your past experiences are haunting you, but your future has yet to be written. Don't give up hope; life isn't over yet. You can still do so much. Do you see a therapist? I think that might help you cope with your past. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

You’re so young. It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past. Think of all the wonderful opportunities the future will bring you. You’re in the perfect place to learn from the mistakes you believe you’ve made and turn these lessons into great things for yourself. Don’t let your worries hold you back. You don’t have to keep looking back. Start looking forward and plan for amazing things. You can do it.

I used to feel like you do, that I would go back in time, relive my life and do things differently, but I have changed that opinion in the last year or so. Yeah, I had a lot of really **** times that were hell, but honestly they have made me who I am today. I was never popular at school either, but that’s ok, everyone moves on from school, people drift, find new friends, circumstances change etc etc

To be honest, without all the hard times I have lived through I wouldn’t have met the partner I have now, and I am so grateful that I have her in my life. I wouldn’t change that for the world. So yeah, the majority of my life wasn’t great, but I’m 28 now and I can safely say I wouldn’t change any of it now.

Try not too get to stuck in thinking about the past, it will eat you up. Focus on the now, on your baby. Use your experiences to change how you live now, not how you were when you were 15.

Yes, I sometimes also can’t avoid feeling sadness for the lost past time. Noone made it to me. I myself isolated from the world. Denied me the possibility to be a normal person and learn and experience things in time but however...I like to console myself with the idea that I did my very best to survive. Sometimes, it’s only a matter of surviving for a while so as to get the energy and solve what is keeping you stuck. Now, live.