Holiday Gloom and Doom

I spent Thanksgiving alone. Not by choice. I live alone and am socially isolated. It wasn't too bad. I am vegetarian so didn't miss the traditional dinner. I went to the movies.

I think Christmas will be harder. Once again I will be alone...for the fourth Christmas. Two years ago I had a meltdown and stayed in bed all day crying. Last year I think I also stayed in bed and just slept through Christmas.

This year I think I will probably go to the movies.

I have an over-whelming thought that I cannot do this again. Ever.

Please don't suggest volunteering. Been there...done that. It isn't much better than being alone.


Something radical has to happen. I just don't know what.

I'm with you, DechanDawa. Let me know if I can make your Christmas a little less lonely this year.

I have spent much more than four Christmases alone. Fortunately I live in an area where the weather is nice enough for me to do outdoor things. There were a couple of Christmases that rained and it was horrible. Like an all day hard rain.

I volunteered one time on Christmas Day and it made me feel worse than not doing anything. It was at a big convention center that served meals to the homeless. It was very depressing. It was nice at the moment to inter act with people, but it all came to an end without making any kind of connection. Funny how it's the one day that generosity happens and then forget it after that.

Christmas is always harder for me than Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving tends to be my favorite day of the year. Christmas is my least favorite.

I check in here, i make sure the house is relatively neat before i go to bed xmas eve, check that there is something good to watch on tv, have a nice breakfast, smell some good smells (like perfume), and have a nice lunch or dinner. Read something good. Stay warm. Be happy i dont have grief, somebody bugging me, somebody sick or in jail, stuff like that.

Wait. I just remembered something. I didn't stay in bed last Christmas. I got up, had a hearty breakfast, then put on my all terrain running shoes and took a long hike around a nearby lake. I took a bunch of pictures and posted them on Facebook.

This is what I call the fake holiday. The pictures looked gorgeous. I live in a very scenic area with mountains. A bunch of people were frolicking around the lake with their dogs. But I was alone. Everyone gave me many "likes" for these pictures on Facebook. I guess it looked like I was in Switzerland or something with a bunch of people! All I remember was it was damn cold. It was nice to be out in the fresh air and exchange Christmas greetings. But being alone, it was also lonely.

Afterwards I drove around looking for one darn cafe open on Christmas Day. None were open.

I probably went to bed early. I really don't remember. On Christmas Eve I usually go to a church service.

I worked several years at a hospital on Christmas Day and that was fine.

I wouldn't go to a Homeless Shelter on any holiday. I volunteered with the homeless for 20 years, mainly helping veterans stranded out on the street, and I am retired from that work now. In my town there are more drugs than ever and also crime among the homeless and it is simply far too depressing and dangerous to be in that venue.

This Christmas Eve I will go to a candlelight service, weather permitting.

If Mary Poppins Returns is playing at a local theater on Christmas Day I will go to see it.

Other than that I am going to treat it like any other day. I find that trying to make Christmas "special" when I am alone has become more and more depressing.

This year am going to ignore it. Minimal decorations. No saving gifts for that special day.

Doubt if I will run around a lake this year, either. It was soooooooooooo cold!

[QUOTE=unaluna;6354591]I check in here, i make sure the house is relatively neat before i go to bed xmas eve, check that there is something good to watch on tv, have a nice breakfast, smell some good smells (like perfume), and have a nice lunch or dinner. Read something good. Stay warm. Be happy i dont have grief, somebody bugging me, somebody sick or in jail, stuff like that.[/QUOTE



That sounds very cozy. I don't think I like my own company enough to enjoy such a day.

Yes, I had my fair share of drama on holidays. One year my sister got drunk and threw her Christmas tree out the window then called me crying. I mean she threw it out a third story window! I literally could not stop laughing. She was extremely drunk. Then she came over to my cozy little cottage and ate all my food and drank all my booze. She was a mess.

But I would take the drama over isolation any day.

I have done more than four Christmases alone in my life but this is four consecutive Christmas holidays alone. I have been thinking about this since starting this thread. At first I actually think I enjoyed some holidays alone. I specifically recall when I lived in an apartment and neighborhood I loved. I wasn't depressed, was working, volunteering, and socially engaged. I had a Christmas tree and many people sent me gifts to put under it, and although alone I didn't actually feel lonely. My place was cozy and I had nice dinners by the fire. I had friendly neighbors. I had huge windows and natural light streamed into every room and set the whole place aglow.


The difference is now I find myself in a studio apartment that is ugly, cramped and dark in a very boring neighborhood. My finances changed and I was forced to give up my dream apartment and dream neighborhood. And all that beautiful natural light and big porch. It was a lively neighborhood where people threw parties and played instruments and kids and dogs were everywhere making happy noise.


As my depression progressed I lost three jobs, two volunteer positions, and I started to let friends fall away. The depression caused isolation but other factors have contributed.


I now live in a huge complex. It is the opposite of cozy...is almost institutional. I never see my neighbors. It is strangely bleak and empty and quiet. So all this is contributing to holiday gloom and doom.

You're not alone as long as you LOVE yourself. I know it's hard but it's worth it once you are there. How about adopting a pet on Christmas. I mean there must be so many pups and kittens in those pet shops spending their Christmas alone just like you. Also, you can take yourself to date or just have a cosy Netflix and chill

My finances are such I can't afford a pet. As well...I'm allergic to cats...and a dog confined to a second floor studio apartment without a yard? I don't think so. I think that is cruel to animals. The last time I "rescued" a dog from a pet shop it cost $400. Plus the added cost charged by the property management per month to have a dog. Plus the added cost of feeding a pet and vet bills especially when a pet like a dog gets older. I spent hundreds of dollars on my last dog when she aged.

I also can't afford Netflix. Some people really cannot afford pets and paid streaming.

Even if I love myself I am still alone. Sheez.

Christmas Eve I went to see The Grinch and loved it. I wanted to go to midnight church service but felt sick and climbed into bed early with a bit tarnished sugar plums dancing in my head.

I woke up too late for morning church. Again. Sad.

I had a ticket to see Mary Poppins Returns. I pretty much hated everything about this remake except the costumes. I missed the original music. The movie put me in a bad mood! I thought it was cringy.

I got a terrible gift from a relative and we got into a fight. I had a big meltdown.

I went to bed early.