Nothing makes me happy anymore

I've had depression since I was a teenager, and I'm now 26. It seems to be getting progressively worse every year, and nothing helps. I wonder why I'm alive a lot of the time. When I was first diagnosed, I was put on antidepressants for several years because the doctors thought it was chemical depression. The meds didn't ever help the nearly 10 years I was on them, most of them just made me sick. I tried therapy several times over the course of about 5 years, and that never helped either. I didn't realize until recently that the reason nothing made me feel any better is because I'm not like most people with depression. I have existential depression, not chemical depression.

When I was a teenager, I started to become depressed because I didn't know what career to choose. I felt like I was never going to have enough time to do everything I wanted in my lifetime because I had too many options, and the pressure of having to choose only one career was devastating to me. Once I started college, I experienced some personal life issues that made it hard for me to stay in school, and I eventually dropped out. I still feel like a failure to this day for never finishing even one degree, despite being smart enough to have done it and trying to go back 4 times.

After I gave up on being able to have a meaningful career, I tried to give my personal life more meaning. I got married when I was 23, but it only lasted for a year. When I got divorced, my family (who had already been extremely critical and unsupportive) disowned me completely for about a year. At that time, I was also nearly homeless because I couldn't keep a job due to how depressed I was, and most of my belongings were taken by my ex's sister and donated rather than being sent to me like they had promised. That was two years ago, and I don't feel like anything has improved at all. My life is slowly being put back together, but I don't feel like I have a reason to exist. I'm on SSDI because I haven't been able to work for nearly 3 years, I'm constantly poor because I can't get affordable housing, and I feel more alone and misunderstood than ever. The few friends that I had have moved on with their lives and don't really talk to me anymore, my family still doesn't talk to me much, and I know I'm never going to have a love interest who really cares about me or understands me because it seems like no one ever could. I'm too different. I feel like I don't belong on earth and that I was never supposed to be human.

What little hope that I had when I was younger that my life would end up well is completely gone. I kept holding onto the idea that something I could do would benefit others, or that I could do something to benefit science. But I couldn't do it, and I don't think I'll ever be able to. I'm never going to get that time back. And even if I could, there isn't anything I could do. Perhaps I was too egotistical as a teenager in thinking that my actions mattered. I don't think anyone would have listened to me even if I could have made my voice heard. It seems like no one listens to reason anymore, even from the people who try as hard as they can to change things.

The world is a total mess, and I think most people just ignore it because it scares them. It seems to me that it's gotten to the point where it can't be completely ignored anymore, but now we're past the point of no return. Even if every person on earth united and did anything possible to fix all of the world's problems, it would still be broken. And I suppose that's why I just can't care about anything anymore. It doesn't matter what I do, it never will. It never has. And on top of that, there's no way my life is ever going to be happy. Even if the world wasn't so screwed up, I'd still be a lonely outcast with no money, no job, no car, no friends, and no future. I'm a failure. I just don't know if the world failed me, or if I failed the world.

Can you explain this better for me?
What if you saw it as.. people are not ignoring the mess that the world may be but they are choosing to think positively and not let the messy world mess them up? Attitude can help a lot. I know when I start thinking about all the crap that makes me seem like a bad person it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. "Well I already suck at this, this and this so why bother?" or I project negative before its happend: "I will never find love because I suck and do not deserve it" well, if that is what you project and think then your own natural reaction will be to make that come true. I am not saying positivity cures all but as an ex -catastrophic, negative thinker I can tell you that its easy to fall prey to our own worst selves.

This seems significant. Does your experience of depression have a "pre-history?"

That kind of attitude is what I hate the most. Being positive isn't going to help save humanity from climate change, or disease, or society failing. At the rate we're going, humans will be extinct in the next hundred years, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that, I've done research and I know what I'm talking about. But all anyone else cares about is "being positive" to make themselves feel better so they can sleep at night, while ignoring reality. I'm not a pessimist, I'm realistic. I approach all of life scientifically, with facts. And it is because of those facts that I believe the things that I do. Maybe you said what you did with the intent to prove me wrong, but you've done the opposite.

Yes but it sure does make it easier to live with. What would save humanity in your opinion?

What research have you done? How did you settle on a hundred years?

I do not understand what you think is wrong with being positive. Since when did looking for the positive mean you ignore reality? I know reality but that doesnt mean I have to suffer. I said what I said because I believe it. And there is just as much research behind positive thinking and the good it does. No it wont solve anything but it sure makes things less bleak. We cant change whatever it is that you think will wipe out the human race without going forward with hope..(in addition to whatever it is that you read about this subject) And I do not need to prove anyone wrong-what makes you think that? It is not my job to prove anything. I was just trying to share something I am passionate about with you. if me sharing about being positive somehow proves that you are right- well I guess you win. Yes, you are so right.