Am I a fraud?

I think a major fallacy is that you can't be depressed if you can function-even at a low level. I was talking about this in another thread but I have three kids and a husband. I have had years where I cant move off the couch and years where functioning in a "normal" way is easier. Its total BS that being depressed means you have to be bedridden and non-functional. There is a reason why people say its a silent pain or hidden illness. In fact sometimes I probably should have given in and felt all the pain and stuff instead of putting one foot ahead of the other. Its alot like being an extrovert and having social anxiety. Many people think you have to be an introvert and shy if you have social anxiety while some people are almost too extra when they feel anxious. I learned a few years ago that I need to get dressed to the shoes. Laying around in my comfy clothes and slippers make it harder for me to get motivated about anything and hard to go about my day. When I feel put together outwardly it helps me manage inwardly. My point is- even when it is so painful I feel like I am walking on broken glass- sometimes I am able to push through enough to function and take care of my family. I may do it crying but I can do it.

I don't know if I want to see another psychiatrist. I have had bad experiences with most of them.

My psychiatrist seemed angry, annoyed, frustrated with me (and even sad).

He was rude, but seemed worried at the same time.

He doesn't want to see me again. Initially he said something about waiting until I feel better, take a break, and start again fixing the mistakes that were made (he said he made a lot of mistakes). But then, I don't know why, he gave up with me, told me we have been talking for too much time (in a rude way, more like wasting time). I told him I was sorry, I got up and leaft saying "bye", and he said "See you never".

He did weird things, like insisting on that if I directly said I would kill myself, He would have to IP me, he said it like 3-4 times (I didn't talk about suicidal ideation or anything like that). He asked me what I usually thought when I was in bed for hours, I said it makes me sad the fact that I have nowehere to go when I need help (being IP never helped me, just traumatized me). Maybe was it what annoyed him? That I waited until being really ill to tell him somthing because I don't feel comfortable with him? (I have always felt forced to pretend I was OK, he is usually nice but doesn't understand many things. I miss my former psychiatrist, I told him many times.). He has a pokemon card I have him on his desk (he is around 60 years old), he seems to like me, but this last time was I think he got tired of me.

I feel like a burden.

Maybe noone can help

I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday.

I feel worthless, a lie, but my mood is not that depressed anymore, and I have a ton of energy. Still I am feeling like giving up because there is nothing I can do, but I would like to carry out a lot of projects. My brain is full of ideas.



I think the AD is partially working....

What does AD stand for?
Some kind of meds?

Thank you, mikimostar.
So, in that case, I’m happy that you, Oliver, can see the psychiatrist in a couple of days. You know that in these cases, when antidepressants are beginning to work, you get increase your energy and it can give you strength to do the best but also the worst.
Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor how exactly you are feeling. I mean, even the ideas I read in the trigger warning. It’s very important you communicate this to your doctor.
Why did you stop taking antidepressants? From your posts in this thread I deduce that you are just at the beginning to take these ones. Maybe a new one? Or did you stop them for a time?

What happened? Didn’t find strength to attend? Can you call him tomorrow?

How are you feeling today?
You don’t trust any psychiatrist now or this one in particular?

I started to feel deeply depressed around the middle of december and spent almost all day in bed until the middle of january that I began to take my AD again. I remembered that somewhere I read that taking care of yourself while feeling depressed (showering, grooming, eating healthy, ....), even if it is really hard to do it and you don't feel like doing it, can make you feel better, so I did it...

I have a ton of things to do, I cannot stay all day in bed

Now I feel a little better, I spend a lot of time just lying in bed but not that much. I feel like a fraud.

As if I have lied or done something horrible and I was hiding it.

Maybe I wasn't that depressed and I wasted everybodies time. I have the ability to function as a normal human being, why cannot I do it?

What a great thing! That doggie is being your fellow. Sure, he gives you back what you gives him. Adopted doggies as so grateful.

I’m happy that you trust this psychiatrist more than others. Keep on trying. Call him as soon as you can and tell him how you are feeling.
I have seen for these posts by you that you are taking lots of meds and I can guess how much side effects you are having to bear.

Thank you.

I am going to try to talk with him on Monday.

Are you feeling better?

Your situation is complicated indeed. So many triggers and without help or support. I hope your doc will help you on Monday. One more thing, can they send you somewhere to check by your DNA what medications can help you?

I heard about it and they did this matching before in local children hospital but they stopped recently because of insurance companies did not want to pay

Recently I have noticed that my AD do not benefit me at all. I have to visit my doc about it and I am not excited about it...