[Naenig]

I don't know how to start this other than by saying that I'm a thoroughly worthless person. I'm 21. I don't work or am in education. I live with my parents. I don't particularly enjoy sharing these things about myself, they don't exactly paint the prettiest picture of me, but I feel I have to do so. I'd feel dishonest otherwise. I should probably also mention that I've never been to see a professional, so I have no diagnosis or anything. It may be I'm just making this all up in my head in a pathetic attempt to justify just how worthless I am.

I can't ever seem to find the energy or motivation to do much of anything. I feel tired all the time, though I know I have no reason to. Moreover, I just have trouble seeing the point in doing most things, and I wish I could explain that feeling better, but I'm not sure how to put it. I've had trouble even motivating myself to get out of bed lately. Trying to sleep the whole day through just seems like an attractive prospect sometimes.

I've always been horrible with people. I guess that comes with being more or less socially isolated for most of your life. I'm afraid of people, and have been for a long time now. I'm afraid of even being seen. I very rarely leave the house.

I mostly just try to forget that I exist with varying amounts of success. I try to find something for my mind to obsess over (you know, something other than how much of a failure I am). When I can daydream about something obsessively, reality seems so far away and irrelevant. I can never distract myself indefinitely, though.

I can't deal with my thoughts sometimes. Thoughts in the form of fears, anxieties, and reminders of just how much of a waste of oxygen I am. I seem to be able to remember every time I failed or disappointed someone, or was just so incredibly inept in general. They just build, and build, and build until they become overwhelming. And I know I have no right to be overwhelmed by this. I deal with scarcely anything compared to what most people have to on a daily basis. But it overwhelms me regardless.

Probably not any surprise, but I think about suicide often. I'd never have imagined I'd have allowed myself to live this long when I was younger. If living is even an accurate description of what I'm doing. Cliché I know, but I just feel like a zombie. Like I died years ago, and all the soul and humanity was drained out of me, but for whatever reason my body just kept on going.

Well, this ended up being unreasonably long. I don't know why I feel the need to do this sometimes. To tell someone how I feel, as if how I feel even matters. I can't even do a good job of it. It always ends up being an overly long, overdramatic, rambly mess like this.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Naenig: Thank you for sharing your concerns here on PC. You & I are a few years apart. (I'm 70!) But I can relate to much of what you wrote. I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

From what you wrote, it sounds as though social anxiety may be a problem for you along with depression. So here's a link to the social anxiety sub-forum just in case you haven't already found it:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/soci...ective-mutism/

Here are links to 3 articles by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. that cover the topics of depression & social anxiety. These articles provide links to additional articles on their subjects. Next are 2 of DocJohn's articles on the subject of suicide prevention. And lastly there's a link to an article that offers suggestions for how to survive suicidal thoughts:

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings

Social Anxiety Overview

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[nth humanbeing]

Hi Naenig . what you're describing is by 90% the way i used to be about 6 years ago . things started for me when i was 16 and kept getting worse despite my several psychiatrist visits . then finally i got into analytic therapy and though progress was very slow , with the help from my family , i managed to get over some of the bad things that had been going on . just like you , i felt extremely worthless and although i was in pain , i constantly scolded myself for being sad and useless cause on the outside , i had what it takes to be happy. i don't suggest you necessarily get into analytic therapy , but you do need to seek professional help . also , since you mentioned living with your parents , i guess they're supportive and you could reach out to them .
i haven't had an official diagnosis but now looking back i think i had depression and your condition sounds like depression too .
i hope you find the right therapy and feel better soon .

[Sunflower123]

Hello and a warm welcome to PC. You are far from worthless or a waste of air. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much for so long. Please seek out help. The answer for you might be around the corner just out of sight. You might benefit from talk therapy (a psychologist) or medication (a psychiatrist) or a combination of both.

Hang in there. There is hope! Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[Naenig]

Originally Posted by nth humanbeing

Hi Naenig . what you're describing is by 90% the way i used to be about 6 years ago . things started for me when i was 16 and kept getting worse despite my several psychiatrist visits . then finally i got into analytic therapy and though progress was very slow , with the help from my family , i managed to get over some of the bad things that had been going on . just like you , i felt extremely worthless and although i was in pain , i constantly scolded myself for being sad and useless cause on the outside , i had what it takes to be happy. i don't suggest you necessarily get into analytic therapy , but you do need to seek professional help . also , since you mentioned living with your parents , i guess they're supportive and you could reach out to them .
i haven't had an official diagnosis but now looking back i think i had depression and your condition sounds like depression too .
i hope you find the right therapy and feel better soon .

Part of me wants to try to get help, but another part of me feels like I just don't deserve it. I guess I'm also just afraid to reach out. I get along with my parents well enough, but I've never been that close with them. I know they must care about me to some degree, but I'm still not sure how they would react. I know I should at least try, though.

At any rate, I really appreciate your post.

[Fuzzybear]

[mikimostar]

Originally Posted by Naenig

I don't know how to start this other than by saying that I'm a thoroughly worthless person. I'm 21. I don't work or am in education. I live with my parents. I don't particularly enjoy sharing these things about myself, they don't exactly paint the prettiest picture of me, but I feel I have to do so. I'd feel dishonest otherwise. I should probably also mention that I've never been to see a professional, so I have no diagnosis or anything. It may be I'm just making this all up in my head in a pathetic attempt to justify just how worthless I am.

I can't ever seem to find the energy or motivation to do much of anything. I feel tired all the time, though I know I have no reason to. Moreover, I just have trouble seeing the point in doing most things, and I wish I could explain that feeling better, but I'm not sure how to put it. I've had trouble even motivating myself to get out of bed lately. Trying to sleep the whole day through just seems like an attractive prospect sometimes.

I've always been horrible with people. I guess that comes with being more or less socially isolated for most of your life. I'm afraid of people, and have been for a long time now. I'm afraid of even being seen. I very rarely leave the house.

I mostly just try to forget that I exist with varying amounts of success. I try to find something for my mind to obsess over (you know, something other than how much of a failure I am). When I can daydream about something obsessively, reality seems so far away and irrelevant. I can never distract myself indefinitely, though.

I can't deal with my thoughts sometimes. Thoughts in the form of fears, anxieties, and reminders of just how much of a waste of oxygen I am. I seem to be able to remember every time I failed or disappointed someone, or was just so incredibly inept in general. They just build, and build, and build until they become overwhelming. And I know I have no right to be overwhelmed by this. I deal with scarcely anything compared to what most people have to on a daily basis. But it overwhelms me regardless.

Probably not any surprise, but I think about suicide often. I'd never have imagined I'd have allowed myself to live this long when I was younger. If living is even an accurate description of what I'm doing. Cliché I know, but I just feel like a zombie. Like I died years ago, and all the soul and humanity was drained out of me, but for whatever reason my body just kept on going.

Well, this ended up being unreasonably long. I don't know why I feel the need to do this sometimes. To tell someone how I feel, as if how I feel even matters. I can't even do a good job of it. It always ends up being an overly long, overdramatic, rambly mess like this.

I read your post. I can tell you described how I felt before my treatment. I cant say that I was in your skin but how you describe it, I think I did.

Please, if you can do a depression test that is attached to this page and usually that is somewhere on this website. This will help you to determine do you need a professional to help you. Go from there! It is easy and only you will know results.

[mikimostar]

My friend.. you are among us. We do understand and YOU are not worthless. NO ONE here is a worthless human being. We are here to love each other without judging, hard words, or pointed fingers...

https://cutthroathippiegang.files.wo...0&h=200&crop=1

[mikimostar]