I feel like Im going crazy

Hi, Im kinda new here, I haven't posted anything for some while, and now I just feel so down in the dumps and so confused. Here's a little bit of my background:

I've been diagnosed with depression going on for nearly a year now, due to a 17 yr relationship breakup, and the selling of my house, the pervious year. Not to mention a very mean boss, who couldn't understand my situation which made matters worse. I was taken off of work and the doc put me on 30mg of remeron.

I found that after a while my moods got worse. I would swing from being real happy to very sad or just plain angry at the world. The remeron was adjusted to a lower dose, and things went great for a while. The dose was upped a bit more, and then once again everything was ok, until a few weeks ago. The anger moods are coming back.

Now when I say anger its more like a violent rage feeling that just keeps growing inside of me until "something" triggers it and I completely flip! Like I did last night.

Now last night should have been a very good night for me because since my depression I have taken up acrylic painting again and had set a goal for myself, which was to enter an exhibition. Well, I'm happy to say that I was very succefull, out of 44 artists they chose 8, and I was one of those 8, which was for violence against women. Now last night was a beautiful night of the vernissage, I met all the other artists and had a great time. BF and I went out for supper later to celebrate my success. It was nice until we got home. I went competley nuts, about some way he had looked at another woman......ya I know....but the anger/rage was building up. The night ended in a huge arguement, that honestly toward the end I did't even know what we were fighting about anymore, because words were just flying. I cried, I threw things, I fought as if my life depended on it. Finally exhausted I fell asleep, very depressed and alone, with contemplating thoughts.

This morning I went to the clinic because I still had the same feeling, and explaind the anger/rage/confusion etc... to the doc. Her respons to me was: Well Im not your practicing doctor, you should see him. Well that I do understand, but I am 30 minutes away from him, and the clinic is only a two minute walk from my place, which was a kind of refuge for me. Well two hours later, I walked out with a phone number for a psych. I will be calling there on Monday to make an appointment. The doc who saw me said that there's a possibility that I may be bipolar. Well that did come as a bit of a relief.

Im just wondering if there's anyone else that has experienced this type of anger/rage feeling. And thanks for taking the time to read my post. Venting always feels so good.

Hi, Miakoda, glad you posted!

Congratulations on getting chosen as one of the artists for the exhibition, that really does sound great! I love how you're working hard to get yourself squared away.

The cycle you're talking about does sound familiar to what other people here have mentioned. I'm sure you'll get a lot of replies.

Is the pdoc in the same clinic as the one 2 minutes away or is he somewhere else? That would be great if you were closer than your regular doc.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I've been in all the places you describe. Wisdom is eluding me today, but I care and I'm listening.

Congrats on a successful show. Sorry you're hurting and that the clinic couldn't help you.

Cyran0

The pdoc is in the same clinic as the doc I saw yesterday. Next week I'm going to go see the reg doc and have my files transfered over here.

I feel a bit better today. My head is clearer and I don't have that constant searching for who knows what....I just hate it when I get into those moods, I feel like everyone around me is suffering because of me. No matter how much they try to understand what is going on, they just can't.

Well Im setting another goal for myself, which I hope to accomplish within the month, and that will be a solo exhibition.

good for you miakoda
It can be so hard to try to keep going ... but you seem to be really trying and even succeeding

keep it up
and as far as venting... post anytime you want here
^_^

And you're probaby not having such a negative effect on people as you think