Week #5 (hate it)

Sinking, who are the Samaritans?

(((((((( Sinking ))))))))
I doubt very much if any on pc or elsewhere (anywhere) never repeat themslves. There are certainly “worse crimes” I’m not judging you. Please post as much as you want to if it helps even a bit. I’m glad Mopey is so supportive. I would post more here if I could “but” I’m barely hanging on myself and don’t feel I’m particularly helpful (that could be self flagellation ...) I’m sorry life sucks so much and is so hard. Selfishly I’m glad you’re here on pc as I feel you’re authentic and kind. Things might get better although I’m the worst person to give advice Many gentle hugs I think having read this post I’ll stick to hugs .....

PS I agree, if you have things to tell your t (or anyone) I think it means you’re not done with life

Your posts here also help at least 2 people (Mopey and I) and I’m guessing many more who are reading silently (maybe as “guests” or maybe members) and relating to some or even much of what you’re writing.

Authentic sharing isn’t as common as I would like it to be (imo... this probably sounds judgmental.. I guess like everyone else I have opinions So thanks for all your authentic posts dear Sinking

Also some of us don’t have therapists and have been discouraged from opening up by professionals so you are modelling being more open than is often found in some forests And being open, IMO, is an important step in healing. Certainly much more helpful than bottling everything up... negative emotions (I don’t mean negative in a pejorative sense, I mean not happy, joyful emotions ) are not a “weakness” - they are a result of pain and trauma (I’m sure you know this already)

I think you’re a warrior to keep fighting this depression ... I know how much it sucks

Mopey, the Samaritans are a UK helpline that works through phone, emails and sms. i have always used emails because of the language difficulties and they have almost always have been helpful. they listen, ask question. dont try to change your mind, make you think and talk about your feelings and thoughts hoping it will help and even if (personally) it didnt help it in itself much, it did help to have somebody to talk to and who would listen without judging and never getting tired of answering. i used the service a few times during the past years. on and off in the worst moments. its a bit like hving a T only that their answers are usually short-ish even though direct and well asked and getting to the point. not always of course, but very often.
mopet, thank you so much for talking with me. it means a lot to me.

Fuzzy, thank you for coming in and answering to me. it was helpful indeed. to know you dont judge, listen, dont mind repetitions. Thank you so much for your comment on me being authentic and open. i dont know how else to be honestly. sincerely i use this forum a bit like a journal so it would be foolish to lie to myself. i dont think im kind, im pretty selfish instead because i never got the courage to answrer to anybody except for a few words here and there and "thanks" or "hugs". like you, i dont feel very helpful. and too much struggling with myself. im sorry you feel like that too. i find your posts very interesting even though i never got the courage to tell you so.

today work went ok. i got to call my exT at lunch break. we talked quite a lot. i read him a few things i had written for him because i didnt know what to expect from the call. i mostly told him i love him, that theres nothing to do to help me and that i dont want to be a burden to him. he convinced me to go in for a last session on monday. he wants to see how im doing with his eyes and not through my words (he read my email and my files). bless him!. im scared to death that his warmth will make me change my mind and give up for this time. im also scared to let him see me cry and im also scared i will be so scared that i'll be numb and i wont cry at all. im scared of everything and of the goodbye especially. i told him so but he said we can face it together. i thought that i owed it to him after he read all i had written to him. if he wants to see me and talk to me one more last time i should let him do it. and i must admit i'd like to see him one more last time too and not only hear his voice. but he was so gentle and kind and warm today on the phone… i love him. and he finally said he does know that. he said he doesnt know what he'll do with me afterwards, but i guess he'll probably let me go as the other T. which im still talking to a bit through texts and she keeps assuring we are ok and at peace and it makes me feel so at peace too.

Tomorrow i'll have the course for work so maybe i'll get my mind off from all of this for a while. then on sunday i'll have to work on getting eveything organized at my parents home so that they can find the letters and all the rest i got ready for them to find after my death. i hope it will all go well.

Then monday is exT day. after that i'll try calling the samaritans fo the first time and see if the number they gave me works from italy. at night i'll probably go at my parents hoping to celebrate that they once again keptrenewing my dad his driver license (with his rare illness its not so taken for granted but i truly hope in a positive outcome)

and on tuesday i'll try to print all the quotes that mean the most to me (and there are a lot) just to keep myself busy… when im not at work...

then we'll see…. i have a lot of days organized yet…

love to all.

Love to you of course, Sinking. ❤️ Thank you for explaining to me about the Samaritans. They sound like a wonderful group and I’m curious who is behind them. A church? Some philosophical organization? And how they are trained to help all the souls they speak to.

Well, I’ll sign off for now as I must go eat dinner but my thoughts will be with you. 🥀

(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))