[navpirx]

I have decided to write this after years of struggle have ended up culminating in a breaking point of sorts. I've been trying to fight what I think is depression for four years now, having probably suffered from it for a longer time than that. Over this time I have tried various remedies: psychologists, exercise, natural medicine, and of course years of pharmaceutical therapy, but nothing helps and drugs simply don't seem to work on me. Currently I have weaned off of antidepressants and switched to some supplements and a regular regimen of light exercise; not really feeling any better or worse, save for not being plagued with side effects.

The breaking point is related to the multiple medical appointments and test I have done in last weeks, most importantly MRI of the head. I was sort of hoping that this would give me something to go on related to my symptoms, but absolutely nothing came up. Thus I'm left feeling completely lost, not sure how to progress or what the hell is actually wrong with me.

There's a lot I could say, but I guess there's a few crucial bits of info that you should know about me, or about what I used to be years ago. First, I loved science and knowledge. There were natural sciences (astronomy) and other topics (history) I was really passionate about and would spend a lot of my free time reading about them and gaining knowledge just for the sake of it, because it was just so fascinating and beautiful. Second, I loved video games, especially RPGs (both for complex gameplay and for their immersive worlds and storylines), and also non-interactive works of fiction, mainly sci-fi books. And finally, I was always rather energetic and enthusiastic, even emotional about this stuff, enjoying them greatly and often discussing them with family and closest friends. Most of the joy in my life came from this stuff.

The problem is that I now find myself constantly tired, anhedonic, indifferent, devoid of emotions, unable to focus my thoughts and suffering from poor memory. Sometimes it feels like my mind is in constant chaos and disarray, consumed by maelstrom of obtrusive thoughts. This results in the following:

* I have a very hard time reading books and articles, can't focus on what I read and soon forget a lot of it anyway. This means I struggle gaining new knowledge and no longer see much point in even trying.

* I'm no longer capable of immersion. Whether it's a video game, a book or another work of fiction, my mind is elsewhere, consumed by other thoughts. I can't focus on the world or storyline at hand and cannot derive any pleasure from it.

* Since I'm tired all the time (physically and mentally), I generally lack the fortitude to even try doing something at all. I also no longer discuss things with my closest ones because, well, there's not much left to discuss other than how awful I feel all the time. In a way this feels like I'm betraying them by growing more distant every day, which breaks my heart.

Again, I could say much more, but this is enough to illustrate that this depression (or whatever else it may be) has robbed me of pretty much everything that brought me any joy and defined me as a person. I have no clue how to progress. I'm completely lost. If my story sounds familiar and you've achieved some sort sort of recovery, I'd love to hear about it. This message may feel calm, but in reality I'm at my wits' end and need some hope to cling to...

[Skeezyks]

Hello navpirx: Thank you for bringing your struggle here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. You mentioned the effect your mental state is having on your interaction with your "closest ones". So the relationships forum, here on PC, may be one you'll also be interested in checking out. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I do understand what you're experiencing. I've had similar experiences. Mine is, perhaps, linked to depression & anxiety. However it is also likely, to some extent, to be the result of aging. I wish I had some great insight into how to overcome what you're experiencing. Unfortunately I don't. In my case I simply strive to accept the limitations I have developed & to "power through" my own lethargy. I just know what needs to be done; & I make myself do it. I wish I could say that doing so has made it all less difficult over time. But it has not. I've simply learned to live with it.

Here are links to 2 articles by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of depression. These articles also provide links to additional articles on the subject:

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments | Psych Central

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings | Psych Central

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc, navpirx

[navpirx]

Welcome everyone. Thanks for your replies.

@Skeezyks I'm going to browse the articles (though I have already read much about depression over the past years) and have a look around the subforum you pointed me at. But to be honest, I'm not quite ready to consider my problems to be an aging issue (I'm still only 30 years old), nor do I want to come to acceptance of my limitations when these issues simply weren't there just some years ago. My aim is to overcome and reverse this somehow, as long as I have hope.