[Ptica23]

Hello everyone-
This is my first time posting on this forum so I apologize for the length of this post, but I feel the need to share in hopes that others can relate to how I am feeling atm.

A little ice breaker- I am a 23 YO female, just got married about a year ago, and am currently in nursing school.

I was diagnosed with anxiety a few years back, but I have yet to talk to my doctor about being [severely] depressed. I don't know if it's my shame or something else, but I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone, including my parents and husband.

I have been depressed for quite a few years now, but I would say that the past 2 years have been debilitating. My mental health is deteriorating and I feel like I can't fix it. I have to force myself to get in the shower because I have no energy. I don't hangout with any of my friends anymore. I can't manage my finances at all. I would lay in bed all day if I didn't have to go to class or work. There have been days where my depression has been so bad, I've skipped class (when I shouldn't) and called into work sick. My mental health makes me physically sick as well. Constant headaches and abdominal issues, causing me to never get enough sleep. It effects my mood, and is ruining my marriage. It has effected my school work and held me back, causing delays and repeated semesters. It makes me feel like such a disappointment to my parents. All I have ever wanted from life is to make my mom proud of me, and I feel like a disappointment of a daughter. I know she loves me more than anything, she always has, but I can't help but feel ashamed of how bad my mental health has gotten. I'm moody and irritable constantly. I snap at my family members for no reason, and it's almost like I have no control over it.
Truthfully, I have thought about suicide on too many occasions. I've thought about how I would do it, and when. Ideally, I always wanted it to be an accident when I died, like a car accident or some type of medical condition. I seem to be too big of a coward to actually do anything. And if it weren't for my mom, knowing how much it would break her, I would have ended my life a long time ago. Depression has made me a miserable human being. And I hate it. I want nothing more than to be happy with myself and my life. I have so much to be grateful for, but I don't think I deserve any of it.
I hope there is someone out there in this community that can relate to my life. And without judgement, because I can't go to my family with my issues. It feels wrong to complain about something that they can't see, a feeling I have in my head that I can't express properly. I just keep hoping that with each passing day, I will feel normal and mentally healthy again.
Thank you for listening to me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ptica: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Since this is your first post... welcome to Psych Central. The relationships forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

And then here are links to a selection of 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments | Psych Central

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings | Psych Central

5 Tips for Dealing with the Overwhelming Fatigue of Depression

5 More Tips for Dealing with the Overwhelming Fatigue of Depression

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-f...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-reas...etting-better/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/overco...in-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-t...emotion/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. I also wanted to draw your attention to this other website, supported by Psych Central, for people with unrelenting depression & anxiety:

https://community.projecthopeandbeyond.com/

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Ptica23

Hello everyone-
This is my first time posting on this forum so I apologize for the length of this post, but I feel the need to share in hopes that others can relate to how I am feeling atm.

A little ice breaker- I am a 23 YO female, just got married about a year ago, and am currently in nursing school.

I was diagnosed with anxiety a few years back, but I have yet to talk to my doctor about being [severely] depressed. I don't know if it's my shame or something else, but I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone, including my parents and husband.

I have been depressed for quite a few years now, but I would say that the past 2 years have been debilitating. My mental health is deteriorating and I feel like I can't fix it. I have to force myself to get in the shower because I have no energy. I don't hangout with any of my friends anymore. I can't manage my finances at all. I would lay in bed all day if I didn't have to go to class or work. There have been days where my depression has been so bad, I've skipped class (when I shouldn't) and called into work sick. My mental health makes me physically sick as well. Constant headaches and abdominal issues, causing me to never get enough sleep. It effects my mood, and is ruining my marriage. It has effected my school work and held me back, causing delays and repeated semesters. It makes me feel like such a disappointment to my parents. All I have ever wanted from life is to make my mom proud of me, and I feel like a disappointment of a daughter. I know she loves me more than anything, she always has, but I can't help but feel ashamed of how bad my mental health has gotten. I'm moody and irritable constantly. I snap at my family members for no reason, and it's almost like I have no control over it.
Truthfully, I have thought about suicide on too many occasions. I've thought about how I would do it, and when. Ideally, I always wanted it to be an accident when I died, like a car accident or some type of medical condition. I seem to be too big of a coward to actually do anything. And if it weren't for my mom, knowing how much it would break her, I would have ended my life a long time ago. Depression has made me a miserable human being. And I hate it. I want nothing more than to be happy with myself and my life. I have so much to be grateful for, but I don't think I deserve any of it.
I hope there is someone out there in this community that can relate to my life. And without judgement, because I can't go to my family with my issues. It feels wrong to complain about something that they can't see, a feeling I have in my head that I can't express properly. I just keep hoping that with each passing day, I will feel normal and mentally healthy again.
Thank you for listening to me.

Welcome to the community! We are here for you!

I completely understand how you feel! I can assure you that taking your life will affect your family and friends. I lost my brother in law to suicide. Please call the suicide hotline in your area if you need emotional support.

Stress, depression, anxiety can cause physical health problem. Start out small by taking a shower or eating. Look for some positive quotes for depression and anxiety that you can recite to yourself to get through the moment. Go on YouTube and look for the rock who talk about suffering from depression. Go on Kati Morton YouTube and look up depression, anxiety. How to created a safety plan.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am DEEPLY SORRY that you're struggling SO BADLY, @Ptica23! Depression certainly SUCKS! I'd ecnourage you to go to a doctor or ANY professional in the Mental Health Field so that they'll be able to help you. I'm so sorry that things are being SO HARD for you. You do not deserve to suffer AT ALL! Please be kind to yourself. You are NOT a disappointment and I'm SURE that your Mother loves you VERY MUCH! It is not your fault if you have depression after all. You can't really control it and I understand why it's hard for you to talk about it. Please do seek help though! You are worthy of a better Life and you'll get it as long as you get the Help you Need! Please be kind to yourself! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @Ptica23, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER AND YOU'RE WORTHY! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please NEVER give up hope!