[nocom]

I was curious what a piece of writing by me would look like when I'm 'okay'. I don't feel like I have much to say when I'm not feeling miserable. Just a week or two ago I was begging myself to be how I am now, to stop being so emotional and pained. I got there, but it's really not any better of a feeling at all.

Pros: able to focus on tasks, create plans/goals, allow time to indulge creatively, think rationally. Not be burdened by intense emotion, distracted by feelings of intense unhappiness.

Cons: everything is gray, only special circumstances bring about feelings of fulfillment or excitement. Little to no feelings of reward in what I do. People are less interesting, having a mindset more of 'I can take them or leave them.'

It doesn't feel fair, but people like me help make the world go around I guess. To be driven by the idea of creating and improving relationships with others, only to be crushed when things don't go as well as you like, at least allows you to feel something and care about the well being of others, admittedly in a sometimes unwanted intensity. I can get out of bed every day like this, but I feel like I'm only driven by the feeling of doing 'something', even if that thing is playing video games most of the day or continuing to neglect self care. And everything I do is tagged along with this statement my head makes: 'who cares.' Who cares if I write all this out, people will half read it and give mostly-empty words of encouragement (not that I don't appreciate it, thank you.) At least with writing this there's a 'but maybe': maybe someone like me browses along and finds comfort in relating with someone else in some similar way, maybe I'll be able to look back at this feeling and appreciate when I'm not in this headspace at that time, maybe there will be some use for this effort.

But I am in a fog, it is the weekend, I feel like my writing will reflect that. Things are not sharp, I'm not in-the-zone, I'm just semi-drunkenly (while being fully sober) lobbing words down. Excluding feelings of true happiness, or of being accepted and loved, nothing compares to when things are clear. Like those times at work when the 8 hours flies by, focused and efficient, etc.

I think I'm done now. This will look like what it is: sloppy, uninspired, emotionally devoid rambling. Low quality stuff. Thanks for reading