[swissmiss11]

Hi everyone, I'm a new member here, and I joined primarily to get feedback about this issue I'm currently having. This might not quite fit under depression, but I decided to post here since I know guidelines highly suggest posting in the most relevant topic.

I've just not been feeling exactly myself for about two months. It's not a physical feeling. It's just a strange emotional feeling, that I'm not quite exactly happy, or a hint of underlying anxiety, or a lack of excitement for things occurring in my life. It's not concerning enough for me to seek professional treatment (yet), but it's dragging me down and I would very much like to get back to the way I felt before this.

My whole life, I have always been content just "being." It didn't matter where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, I just felt genuinely happy (setting aside things that people would understandably get upset about like major loss and daily inconveniences). I had a very hard time grasping what people with depression must feel like, because I never felt that way at all. I had the "just happy to be alive" mentality. I was talking to my parents a few months ago about vacations and after I said "I don't care where we go," my dad said "I know, you've always been that way. You're always just excited to be somewhere new." And that very well sums up how I feel about life. I always felt like I had much to be grateful for.

And it's not that I don't think that way anymore - it's just that, to some extent, on some level, I don't quite feel that way anymore. Like tonight, I went out with my boyfriend's family to a Hibachi restaurant (first time in my life!) and although I thought "cool, this is impressive, this is good food," I didn't have that "WOW! This is so much fun! I love this!" sort of reaction I would normally have.

It's subtle. I do not feel suicidal, I have never had (and still don't have) self-harm tendencies, my relationships are not suffering, my boyfriend of 2+ years and I are still getting along as always and making time for each other, I still have no problems waking up early in the morning and attending all my classes and my job, I still go to spend time with and ride my horse whenever possible, I've been keeping up with my hobbies and clubs, I've not been eating more or less than before. These aren't an issue for me; I don't feel like I have needed to put in any more effort than usual to keep things up. It's just this stupid feeling I can't kick that follows me but usually I can distract myself enough not to feel it in the midst of a busy day.

However, my grades are suffering. I've got a 3.95 GPA as a senior in college, but this semester has been different. For the first time in my life, I've been passing exams by the skin of my teeth. It might have to do with more difficult courses, worse studying habits, more stress from elsewhere in life, my mind not quite being "there," or any combination of the them.

In addition, I have had panic attack-like episodes regarding my own mortality. I am very fearful of death, but I always have been, and I have been able to manage it up until two months ago. I would maybe have a brief episode like this maybe once every few months before this, usually less often. I would feel very sad and a bit panicky thinking about it, but nothing serious. Starting about two months ago, however, this has been on my mind generally on a daily basis and I have panic-attack-like episodes maybe once every few days to a week. The past few weeks have been much better as I have found a way to prevent them and think about it less (separate topic I don't need to go into detail about).

I can't tell if this is a symptom or a cause of feeling "off." I had my worst panic attack-like episodes almost exactly right around the time this feeling started, but I can't tell which came first. I am reluctant to call them true panic attacks because I have always been able to self-manage them and get them under control quickly, and the experience doesn't seem to be as severe as people I know who have true panic attacks. I almost exclusively experience these at night, often when I'm alone and start thinking about the topic randomly. For example, last night as I was typing an essay, my laptop battery died and I was unexpectedly left in complete darkness and silence - which got me thinking about death - which left me very sad and fearful, enough that I was strongly shaking as I laid there for a minute or two, but I got myself up and took a walk around the house and I was fine then.

There are some things in my life that changed right around the time I began feeling this way that I feel may be responsible for or contributed to how I feel. These include:

~ My sister was in and out of a psychiatric hospital multiple times 2-3 months ago for attempted suicide. I'm not particularly close with her, but my parents were devastated, and I am close with my parents. Their lives came to a complete halt just trying to support her and get her through alive and as well as possible.
~ I moved into my boyfriend's house with his family 3-4 months ago (to save money on housing since my own home is 300 miles away). Before this, I was living with my boyfriend in an apartment for a year; and before that, I was living in college dorms for a year. I am commuting 45 minutes to get to college, which might be a part of my grades dropping and/or feeling "off," but I didn't feel "off" while I was commuting 45 minutes to my full-time job from my boyfriend's house during the summer.
~ My summer was probably the roughest time of my life I've ever had. Someone hit and totaled my car 3 months ago (I was completely fine, car wasn't). The process of continuing to commute 45 minutes one-way to my job by borrowing others' cars while simultaneously searching for and buying a car with a college student budget AND out-of-state license was especially draining and mentally taxing. My stirrup snapped and I hit the ground particularly hard 2-3 months ago (lots of trouble standing and walking due to back muscle strain for a couple weeks, but no concussion or major injuries). Both my parents crashed their cars on separate occasions within two weeks of me crashing mine. I got bit by a cat at work (vet tech) and it required professional medical attention. During and immediately after things like these occurred, I did not feel this "off"ness, though, but perhaps the response was delayed?
~ Two months ago, I began this new semester. Shouldn't have been a big deal, though, considering this is my senior year and I haven't had this feeling of being off before. However, this is the first semester I am definitely exercising much less than previous semesters (and through my whole life too). I think exercise really helps me get in a solid and happy state of mind, and lack of it might be contributing.
~ Two months ago I also made a trip back home to see my family. I saw my sister for the first time since her psychiatric hospital trips started. I also spent a lot of down time with my parents, during which my dad and I had serious discussions about death. I think this may have played a part in getting my thoughts churning about death, sparking my panic attack-like episodes when I came back to the college area.

I'm sorry this is all so long - there are so many things I'm trying to piece together and so many things I wish I could explain better. I understand my very vague symptoms are rather subtle and may be hard for people to relate who haven't been as lucky as myself when it comes to mental health. I'm reaching out here to try to lift some burdens off my mind, here what others have to say, and maybe put it all down in a documentable place so I can start healing. Perhaps I just had too much emotional strain in a short period of time and now I'm dealing with the repercussions, perhaps I need to treat it as minor grief. What all do you think went wrong to make this sudden shift in perspective? What do you think I can do to help myself emotionally and mentally get back to where I was before? Thank you!

[Mendingmysoul]

Sounds familiar. I think I sometimes go through the same what you have described above.I went through a lot in my life,but always thought I could take it.When things accumulate and pile up,we tend to break apart I guess.I thing you are a strong person,but now going through the threshold.Delayed response also sounds true for your situation. Your mind is letting you know that it is reaching its llimits.That is why things are vague and subtle,as if you are getting hints.Try some diversion techniques. Sooth your mind with meditation and yoga,things like that.Aromatherapy works for me.All the best.

[swissmiss11]

I do feel I am slowly pulling out of it.... But ever so slowly. Today I had some genuine excitement at silly little things and laughed harder than I have in a long time. I've been noticing myself longing for the times when I was a kid, had less responsibilities, and much of the world was still brand new and exciting. I feel that even more so with today being Halloween, and I'm seeing all the joy and excitement in the kids trick or treating that I once experienced. Unfortunately, I'll never be a kid again. Fortunately, there are things I can do that can bring back my enjoyment and excitement, like playing old online games and going to an amusement park with friends.

I think another part of my dilemma is that I can acknowledge plenty of reasons I'm not feeling so great, but I'm limited in my ability to address or fix those issues. I know I would feel better if I exercised more, and I know my grades would improve if I studied more... But with my time split between 19 credits of senior-level biology courses, a part-time job, spending time with my horse, staying active in clubs, and keeping my relationship and friendships healthy, I can't find the time to exercise or study any more than I already do. Same goes with meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, etc. unfortunately - just no time. There's nothing I can do about all that has happened these past few months besides trying to help myself accept and heal from it all.

Just writing things down here helps me make more sense of what I'm feeling and feel like I'm getting things back under control. Thanks to all who read these posts.

[bpcyclist]

It is a very good sign that you are laughing and feeling good during those moments. An excellent sign. That said, you are overloaded. You have way, way too much going on right now. The 19 credits in biology alone are a full-time job. If I were your therapist, and I'm not, I would probably not ask but rather tell you to cut some things out--for now. You are trying to do too much and it is affecting your quality of life. Your brain is trying to tell you this. So, my advice, for what little it is worth, is to find some things that you can cut from the schedule to free up more time for you to concentrate on the most important things. Like your mental health.

[swissmiss11]

I totally get what you're saying, bpcyclist, and I agree to an extent. I am overloaded for my current mental state. I don't have enough time to do a fair amount of activities that keep me physically and mentally happy. The unfortunate part is that I will have to wait until next semester to make these changes. I can't cut out credits this late in the semester because they'd count against me; the deadline to drop a class without negative consequences has passed. I'd be given an automatic failure in the class(es) I dropped and that would dramatically hurt my GPA, which would be fine if I wasn't headed into veterinary school, considered one of the most competitive graduate programs in the US.

I love my job and I believe it would do more mental harm than good to quit. Despite being a stressful job, I handle on-the-spot stress very well and I get to laugh and socialize at my job more than anywhere else. I love my coworkers, I love the animal patients I get to work with. My boss is very willing to work with my schedule and they cut my hours back by about 75% when I transitioned from summer break to fall semester.

I've already cut back on my clubs a lot. People might argue that the clubs are the fun and social parts of my schedule I should keep, but sometimes, meetings just feel like a social obligation that I go out of my way to worm into my schedule. I only show up to the ones that are convenient to me and that I think will be fun.

I'm definitely not cutting back on my horse riding. It's definitely what I look forward to the most in my week, and I often find myself wishing I could spend more time going to the stable. It's my mental escape.

I know it's not a good excuse, but I feel like I should be able to handle this workload anyway. Last semester, I had an identical academic load (19 credits of high level biology) and general schedule except I had an additional part-time job on top of the one I currently have. I ended the semester with all As, not even a single A-. I do understand there is a difference between surviving and thriving, but honestly, I did not feel extremely overloaded last semester. I felt just as happy as I had the previous 20 years of my life. I do think the difference is all the unrelated emotional stressors I've had throughout the summer. Even just being in the car crash without all the other things that happened would have been enough to really mess up a lot of people's mental states.