Once I attended a two days course/lecture about how to solve conflicts without blaming the other. To know about ways to solve conflicts without being one up/one down can make a huge difference in different situations, at work among other. The blame game goes like this: Because you said so/did so I feel so.

To find a more care-taking way to solve conflicts (taking care of oneself and the other at once) will make the climate better for both and perhaps for all. It is often impossible to have an open conflict between two persons when there are other people around, without make more then two people suffer. They will all be affected in one way or another. So of course it will be of importance to learn proper conflict solving. The more appropriate problem solving, the less is the cost for all involved, actively, or passively as bystanders.

I found an article at Internet that may be informative and give good tips to those who have the time to learn the techniques: The article has links to learn about passive aggressive behavior as well (those who run away from solving a the problem).

Here are the article:
Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps

One can learn more about Transational Analyses by reading "Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis"or "I'm OK-You're OK.

These were popular books some years ago, but a lot of newer therories about problem solving builds upon the fidings presented in these books.

[happysobercrafter]

Assertiveness is wonderful and very useful! It's great to present win-win situations. Reasonable people respond well and use this in their lives, I believe.

Just one observation I want to make: many of us here deal with or have dealt with abusers who would not stay in line with assertiveness. They would came back harder to regain the balance they think they lost by not being able to manipulate and terrorize their victim.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Assertiveness is wonderful and very useful! It's great to present win-win situations. Reasonable people respond well and use this in their lives, I believe.

Just one observation I want to make: many of us here deal with or have dealt with abusers who would not stay in line with assertiveness. They would came back harder to regain the balance they think they lost by not being able to manipulate and terrorize their victim.

Yes, I thought about that before posting.

To be in an abusive relationship will set it's marks. But with therapy people are supposed to put those experiences into the past and start new relationships with others. May be not everybody will fix a new close relationship (marriage or living together), but those who will become able to will benefit from such an approach as Transactional Analyses (I'm OK and You're OK) if their new partner agrees to solve problems in such a way.

When it comes to work places and other gatherings, these techniques may help to not push other people away when one doesn't want to do that.

Of course it might happen that there is a bully, a very quarreling person among those one has to meet regularly. May be the best to do in such situations is to pretend like one is not affected (let it go in one ear and out the other). "I hear you, but I have to work now or my boss will get mad at me". I mean, as an example, that one cannot shift jobs every time one meets a really difficult person. I'm sure one will find at least one on every work place. The best must be to use relaxation exercises at home and prepare for those meetings during the day.

Hope this clarified a bit.

[happysobercrafter]

In starting this thread, you are referring to every day life, right? Not crisis situations, just simple everyday life.

In my experiences in jobs I have held and in my experiences from my background and so forth, I find that learning about what can motivate behavior and learning about communication skills is beneficial.And being assertive is great for not escalating an encounter into a full blown fight.

In having to learn so much to find the answers I needed about behavior, bullying, managing rage, identifying psychopaths, traumatic amnesia, Complex PTSD, clinical depression, alcoholism, recovery, and more, developing skills to manage other's behaviors as best I can helped me. I learned to set boundaries in case someone is overstepping mine.

Really, the material to learn is endless. But, to me, that is a good thing because I know I will never run out of topics to learn to better myself and my life in recovery.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

In starting this thread, you are referring to every day life, right?


(...)


Really, the material to learn is endless. But,

Yes, I'm referring to everyday life. Yes, to learn about how to cope with different people, how to solve disagreements and so on in a way that not create deeper disagreements is to learn about how to live life in the best way possible. And, yes "the material to learn is endless".

I worked with young former criminals once. I had to teach them that where they stand NOW, is with a future in front of them that can be good, but to have that good future they had to be aware of all the knowledge that ordinary people learn for free. They had to go on in life to learn all they had missed to learn when they where busy with their criminal career.

To know that one lacks knowledge in certain areas in life, is not only for former criminals, but for all who have struggled after abuse, violence, deep and strong mental disorders and so on. There is lost time.


That knowledge about oneself can be a benefit or a drawback. If one put one's head in the sand because it is too much, one will become more and more depressed. If one at the other side accepts that so is it and starts the new and better future one step at the time, that knowledge can be a comfort when one stumbles: "I really made a mess out of this, but I didn't have the best knowledge to help me". To accept where one stands and make a commitment to oneself to go on even if there are setbacks, is the best one can do to be able to live a life among the living (with either this or that background) ...

One of the really good things one can learn (when one has got the head above the water), is to learn to solve conflicts in a way that benefits all the involved.

I like the way you see it: "to me, that is a good thing because I know I will never run out of topics to learn to better myself and my life in recovery."

Sorry it became long!

[happysobercrafter]

Beautifully Said!!! Beautifully!!! Bless your heart!! You worked with criminals? Those folks break my heart! But for the Grace of God, there go I.


If you are ok with this, I would love to hear more about that. Only if you are ok with that. I will respect your choice.

[LilyMop]

This is a great topic. I have a really hard time with conflict. I don’t feel comfortable speaking up with myself and sometimes when I eventually do, I go too far because I let too much pile up for too long. Someone recently told me that conflict is something you learn from. It’s not supposed to be drama that you can’t resolve but a situation you learn from. This is definitely an area in need of improvement for me. Thank you for bringing up a good topic.

[TishaBuv]

The approach that goes, “I feel...” vs. “You did this that hurt me...” is much better for maintaining good feelings for conflict resolution.

To resolve anything, both parties need to want something from each other.

Recently I had a conflict where we wanted love and respect but the other party wanted to alienate and get rid of us. Needless to say, it didn’t end well. They got their goals met.

I even tried to appeal to her humanity by saying, “I think maybe we both are not feeling enough empathy for each other.” She shocked us by responding that she felt NO empathy for us at all, and justified it with trumped up, made up, distorted, manufactured reasons to vilify us.

I took professional courses on negotiation because I am in a business where that is a big part of my job. It was laughably rudimentary! They have no idea the kind of stuff I have had to go up against!

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Beautifully Said!!! Beautifully!!! Bless your heart!! You worked with criminals? Those folks break my heart! But for the Grace of God, there go I.


If you are ok with this, I would love to hear more about that. Only if you are ok with that. I will respect your choice.

Thank you! Not all were criminals ...


No, I cannot tell you about that. Sorry, but so it is!.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

To resolve anything, both parties need to want something from each other.

Recently I had a conflict where we wanted love and respect but the other party wanted to alienate and get rid of us. Needless to say, it didn’t end well. They got their goals met.

I even tried to appeal to her humanity by saying, “I think maybe we both are not feeling enough empathy for each other.” She shocked us by responding that she felt NO empathy for us at all, and justified it with trumped up, made up, distorted, manufactured reasons to vilify us.

I took professional courses on negotiation because I am in a business where that is a big part of my job. It was laughably rudimentary! They have no idea the kind of stuff I have had to go up against!

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that!

Yes, I agree with you about this: "The approach that goes, "I feel..." vs. "You did this that hurt me..." is much better for maintaining good feelings for conflict resolution."

The first one is to talk as an owner of ones own feelings (It's a grown up position): "It is me that feel it so". It opens up for a discussion about what really happened. It helps to clear up evt misunderstandings. Those in disagreement have an opportunity to come out of it as friends.

The other approach: "you hurt me" is about blaming the other (it is you who have done this). It is not an invitation to clear up, but something that can lead into a quarrel and in worst case into a broken relationship (it is not for sure that the one who is accused for hurting really meant to hurt).

If you are interested they probably have the book: "I'm OK, you're OK" at the library. I liked it very much. One is forced to think about what position one wants to take and what message one wants to send (I mean to find a wise way to send the message so it becomes understood).

Somebody most have borrowed my book (the "OK book") and forgot to give it back. It is not in my bookshelf.

I don't dare to explain more without the book, but from the two days lecture I mentioned in my first post, all the positions one can use to meet another with (good or bad) was explained and in my notes I have something like that assertion is about the respect for own rights without offending others.

That's why I brought in some sentences about the criminals. All people, even those lowest in range, have a value as a person and should be treated as such.

But as mentioned before: If the other person is not willing to discuss in an "I'm OK, You're OK" level, it is wasted time to try.

[TishaBuv]

I agree. When the other person obviously wants to squash you and has no intention of bending at all, there’s no negotiation. They just want to win it all. Then, you have to choose whether or not to let them and walk away with nothing or give them absolutely nothing if you can and they completely lose.

Another good negotiation tactic is to take inventory of all the variables. Like say someone wants something for a price, and people can’t agree. You can throw in some items and make the deal.

It’s harder to negotiate for emotional things like love and affection. Either it’s there or it ain’t.

[Fuzzybear]

Conflict solving when there are no losers is a great idea for a thread
I had thought of starting a thread with a very similar title a while back
I've experienced conflicts with people who won't listen or bend whatsoever etc. Then there is no negotiation
I guess with respect, appreciation and love its either there or it isn't
Thanks for all the points made in this thread.

Originally Posted by LilyMop

This is a great topic. I have a really hard time with conflict. I don’t feel comfortable speaking up with myself and sometimes when I eventually do, I go too far because I let too much pile up for too long. Someone recently told me that conflict is something you learn from. It’s not supposed to be drama that you can’t resolve but a situation you learn from. This is definitely an area in need of improvement for me. Thank you for bringing up a good topic.

Yes, we all have to learn about conflict-solving in our daily lives. Therapy focuses on the person, not on the society, and that is OK. I would have dropped out of therapy if it was a place where the therapist taught me about all the wise rules of the world. "Do this, but not that".

On the other hand we live in societies, so to learn about how to live in a way that benefits us all is important when we're ready for that (the inner work has to take it's time). When we are ready to do more than work on our old hurts, the time has come to learn more about being a good citizen that have respect for both oneself and others (I feel that it is difficult to describe exactly what I mean because both processes will intervene with each other).

I really like the assertiveness approach.

I think that the best we can do for ourselves is to start out thinking that we all have dignity as human beings. It's not about me only, but about relationships of all kinds. We all have our hurts from upbringing, not all of the hurts is conscious to us. When we feel trampled upon by another person (who don't know about our "inner salad"), to have a conscious inner choice about how we will treat others is important. As it was said in the article I posted, use I-language.

If another person will not respect that, well then it is nothing we can do with that, but we can have clean conscious because we tried and feel good about ourselves.

To build that quality takes time if we are not used to think in such a way. As with everything else, we will stumble in the "building process", but happily there always will come a new day when we can restart the learning process.

Like HappyCrafter said: "Really, the material to learn is endless. But, to me, that is a good thing because I know I will never run out of topics to learn to better myself and my life in recovery."

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Conflict solving when there are no losers is a great idea for a thread
I had thought of starting a thread with a very similar title a while back
I've experienced conflicts with people who won't listen or bend whatsoever etc. Then there is no negotiation
I guess with respect, appreciation and love its either there or it isn't
Thanks for all the points made in this thread.

Glad to hear that you had the same idea! Use I-language, Fuzzybear! If nobody listen to you, may be you have the wrong friends.