[WantPeaceofMind]

I have been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, PTSD. I have been dealing with major guilt and regret a lot. I just can't seem to get over it. I am seeing a counselor on medications, etc. I had a decent job, got stressed out because working with severe disabled people and lack of cooperation at the job. Well I had an opportunity to move to work with others, just quit that job. Got another with a construction company, and was doing good washing trucks til I worked on job sites and was treated by crap by others. I got another job after that, and was going to be a commuting job and I did not want to commute, etc This is when things definitely spiraled down. I tried to overdose on my clonazepam not knowing it wouldn't do anything. My father had to take me to ER and was sent home. I was then taken to my regular doctor who put me back on an antidepressant I was on before and took me off clonazipam. I felt really guilty for putting my dad in that position to have to deal with my decisions. Yeah I know your dad cared to do that. It doesn't clear the guilt exactly. Well, I moved forward got another job. Well, the feeling low and getting a new job was too much for me. I worked for a week. I just felt confident, I was telling myself I can't do this too much to deal with. I told work I can't come in, dealing with emotional issues. Then I didn't go in the next day. This is the same day that I felt so overwhelmed with myself feelings, not thinking I could cope anymore.

Possible trigger:

DISCLAIMER PLEASE STOP READING IF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED BY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. I deep down did not really want to commit suicide. But I was at a point of life that was too overwhelming. Good thing I was not really trying hard enough.

I eventually just called 911 on myself. Well I was taken to a hospital, they held me over night. While I was there, I did not have any suicidal thoughts etc. Well I was asked if I was still suicidal. Well they had set up for me to go to a treatment center. Well, it was not what I thought it would be. I was in there with people with more serious issues. I was hoping that I would get more help to deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Well I saw a counselor 2 times while in there. Had a counselor actually say "fake it till you make it" is all I took away from there? I was monitored for medications. I so regret going there. Not what I figured. Well I was release a week later. I was happy to be out of that place.I went back to my parents and still had this feeling of giving up on life. Not suicidal, but isolating from the world. Spent most of my time alone in a room, not eating mostly. Bad mistake for a depressed person. All the while getting berated by my parents, who I figure don't understand depression mental illness possibly. Dad saying get a job etc. Finally got one, and struggling ever since. I have major guilt for what I have put them through.I have a companion dog, and the guilt of not giving him any attention during my isolating in the room! I have major quilt of that going through my head all the time! I hate the job I ended up getting. Just don't see any good for the most part. I have my own apartment and haven't lived in for almost a year, because I feel I am not ready. Will I go there and quit another job? My life is filled with fear, guilt, unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel? Though I am not suicidal, how much longer can I endure with it all? I am just going through life with no joy. I try to find the joy, but my mind reminds me of how crappy I have made things. And my poor dog has to suffer that his owner is not able to provide the kind of life he deserves. Don't get me wrong I do things with him now. Walks, etc. but I still feel inadequate for him, not to mention to take care of myself. I feel lower than the worms in the dirt. I have never let my life get so low. Any input is appreciated. Thank you for listening to such a long post.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by WantPeaceofMind

I saw a counselor 2 times while in there. Had a counselor actually say "fake it till you make it"

Classic.

Hello & Welcome, WantPeaceofMind.

These repeated unpleasant work experiences and tension with your parent(s) are not helpful. Can you and your dog get away from things for a few days? Would you be safe? Could you relax and clear your mind? Can you relax?

[Gasplessy]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this bad, WantPeaceofMind

Maybe you feel you're being dragging down into a dark spyral also because you've been into a lot of stressful experience
You seem strong but you're still a human... It's ok to feel low

It would be great to find a better support in this moment to help you to take care of yourself... because you seem nice and caring It's just you're having a difficult time
Please don't feel so guilty

[WantPeaceofMind]

Thank you for your reply. I am trying to make goals of going to my apartment to stay a night here and there. I want to feel confident to stay their on my own and tell myself to go to work if I am going to continue getting past what I am fearful of I guess.

[WantPeaceofMind]

Thank you for saying I'm strong. I guess I am still here and moving on some how.