[ROSEWATER]

I am increasinly suicidal. Lastnight came very close. I have been depressed for most of my life. I am 63 now.

I am sorry If this isn''t the right category for this, but I don't know quite where belong here. I have some many psych issues, they overwhelm me.I live in Hondoras, but am American. I have been here 2 years. I came to help my ex husband out who was very will, but he moved without telling me, thus abandoning me along in a foreign county. I speak little Spanish. Hondoras is beautiful. I should be happy, but I am not. I want my life over. I was finally able to contact the US Embassy about helping me get home, but realized it would be futile as I would have to pay them aback at least $10,000. I just like on disability. If I go back, yes, I will able to get help, but I will end up homeless again. As my income isn't enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc. I already went through all that years ago. My ex said he woud help me get back on my feet. He lied. Now I feel like I am in Limbo. Or nowhere. I have no children, no family that will help me.

I am begining more and more to believe that I came down here to die. I am a writer. It used to be the only thing that kept me going, but I am giving up on that too. I have been writing since I was 4 and now, for the last 1 1/2 years just have died to it little by little.

i feel there is no hope for me. THere is no way out of my situation. I live with 2 friends, but it isn't the same as being with someone who might be family and love one. I am so lonely. Each night I take a bit more Ativan hoping I won't wake up. Well, I am still here, unfortunately.

I had tremendous hopes for myself for a long, long time. My life has been very hard, but this is more than I can handle and realize I am facing a blank wall. There is no way out. THere are therapists here in Hondoras, but I have CPTSD and DID, with active alters still, which I know shoudn't. BUt I do not feel any safety in my life. i just feel it time for it to come to an end. BUt I must still be hoping for help or I wouldn't be writing here.

I guess it matters very little anymore.

Rosewell

[zapatoes]

Rose water, I’m very sorry for how you are feeling now. Please reach out to the therapists there since you are feeling this down and sad. Do you have family or friends that you can call and speak to for support in this time of need in the US or close to where you are now. Please stay safe and take care of yourself, and write back to let everyone here know how you are doing.

[ROSEWATER]

ZAPATOES,,

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO KIND AS TO RESPOND TO MY POST. i REALLY APPRECIATE IT MORE THAN i CAN SAY. i AM TRYING TO GET HELP, IT IS JUST VERY HARD WHERE i LIVE. tAKE CARE,

ROSEWATER

[cluelessgal]

Hi Rosewater,

I am so sorry for how you feel. Suicide is a permanent "solution" for a temporary problem. It's not your situation that's making you suicidal, it's your mind. Please don't do anything drastic. I am glad you are at Psychcentral Forums. You'll find a lot of support here. Can you please tell us if you have any friends and family US? Anyone you can talk to?

Also, can you share what scenario/situation that you'd like to be in right now?

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by ROSEWATER

I am increasinly suicidal. Lastnight came very close. I have been depressed for most of my life. I am 63 now.

I am sorry If this isn''t the right category for this, but I don't know quite where belong here. I have some many psych issues, they overwhelm me.I live in Hondoras, but am American. I have been here 2 years. I came to help my ex husband out who was very will, but he moved without telling me, thus abandoning me along in a foreign county. I speak little Spanish. Hondoras is beautiful. I should be happy, but I am not. I want my life over. I was finally able to contact the US Embassy about helping me get home, but realized it would be futile as I would have to pay them aback at least $10,000. I just like on disability. If I go back, yes, I will able to get help, but I will end up homeless again. As my income isn't enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc. I already went through all that years ago. My ex said he woud help me get back on my feet. He lied. Now I feel like I am in Limbo. Or nowhere. I have no children, no family that will help me.

I am begining more and more to believe that I came down here to die. I am a writer. It used to be the only thing that kept me going, but I am giving up on that too. I have been writing since I was 4 and now, for the last 1 1/2 years just have died to it little by little.

i feel there is no hope for me. THere is no way out of my situation. I live with 2 friends, but it isn't the same as being with someone who might be family and love one. I am so lonely. Each night I take a bit more Ativan hoping I won't wake up. Well, I am still here, unfortunately.

I had tremendous hopes for myself for a long, long time. My life has been very hard, but this is more than I can handle and realize I am facing a blank wall. There is no way out. THere are therapists here in Hondoras, but I have CPTSD and DID, with active alters still, which I know shoudn't. BUt I do not feel any safety in my life. i just feel it time for it to come to an end. BUt I must still be hoping for help or I wouldn't be writing here.

I guess it matters very little anymore.

Rosewell

Rosewater it is no wonder you're feeling hopeless and depressed. What has happened to you is overwhelming. To have your ex-husband betray and desert you, then to be stranded where you don't speak the language, then to be facing only homelessness and poverty if you do get back to the U.S. -- that is MAJORLY daunting.

I'm glad you are continuing to seek help down there, because it seems as if there's so much that you have to deal with all at once that you could use some objective help in figuring out how to work your way out, step by step. It's probably crucial that you break this situation down into smaller steps so that you don't try to deal with it all at once. Too overwhelming.

I think you need a plan, and some help developing one. Please keep in touch with us here for support.

In the meantime, I recommend you WRITE. Even if it doesn't make any sense, if you just put down the things you are thinking and feeling, it might be of some help.

Some physical exercise, such as short walks, may also help.

(((((((( HUGS HUGS ))))))))

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Are there any therapists there that speak English that you could talk to? Therapy in a foreign language would be hard. I also hope you have some family or friends somewhere in the world who can help you out.

[Fuzzybear]

hugs

[ROSEWATER]

Thank you to all of you who responded to my long post. It really helps to hear from other people. I don't feel so alone. You are all so kind. Thank you again. Rosewater.

[ROSEWATER]

Thank you for your kindness and suggestions. THey are truly appreciated. I will keep working on myself everyday. I must survive :

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Oh no!

I read your post in another thread, but didn't realise how bad you felt.

You sound like a lovely person. And you are amongst people who understand.

This forum is a wonderful place, a kind of home for many of us. You can make dear friends here, I promise!

You deserve to live, Rosewater. And to get some enjoyment from life. It's just the depression talking.

Big hugs to you.