[sinking]

New year’s eve night has changed my whole life in such an unpredictable way. Actually i feel thrown out of my own life… maybe by my own self…

That night, I realized i had feelings for both my Ts as if they were my friends. I never NEVER had this kind of thought or feeling before and i hated it with my whole self because i do not think friendship is possible in such a professional relationship. i hated missing them as persons and not as therapists and had to remind myself many many times “they are not my friends”.
I decided the feeling was too overwhelming and disturbing and i had to quit with both. I warned them by texts saying next time will be our last session and this time i mean it. (had tried to quit before but i always came back). None of them replied.

I know these kind of feelings can be natural and can be worked out and we can fix stuff but im too tired to work with my emotions and feelings. I have written them both goodbye letters and i hope this time i will follow through because i can not cope with this too.

Im an adult and live alone but this has been my first year in my new flat, and i know you’ll probably think theres something wrong with me, but i came back to my parents home all the weekends. I could do well without them but i missed my cats and i used going to them as a way to detach from life for 2 days, because i had the feeling that if i stayed in my own flat i would have felt still “at work” and i needed a break.

This whole time my mom welcomed me while my dad kept more or less subtly saying “why dont you stay at your flat?” so i knew he didnt want me there but i plainly ignored him because at least my mom and my cats wanted me there…

But since jan the 2nd living at home with him had become impossible because he would get angry at me every time i opened my mouth or did something in his sight. And this had gone on for months. Last time we spoke he bluntly said “i lose nothing” when i said i didnt want to make peace and i would have gone living at my flat for good.

Now im at my flat and cannot stop crying. In a couple of days i have lost both my Ts and my parents / weekends at home.

Im so lonely and sad now. Without my Ts and without my family i have nothing but work… and i hate it.

I know im not really abandoned but it feels this way. Not even my mom has reached out to me.

I know I have done it all by myself but it felt like i had no other choices.

The life i knew 5 days ago is no longer my life. How could that change so much?

Please, someone say something because i feel im going crazy….

ps. is life like this for those who are not in therapy, not in a relationship, without freinds and who lost their parents? i dont want something like this...

[Rohag]

I'm sorry, Sinking. The way you are feeling is reasonable in view of the changes happening around you.
I suspect anything similar to abandonment is liable to register as real abandonment in one's psyche.
Strength and clarity to you.

[sinking]

Thank you Rohag for validating me.

i talked with my parents, we kind of made peace but i dont think much has changed actually. its just for appearance.

as for my Ts im trying to think about them as less as i can because when i do i tear up and feel too bad and also confused whether or not i really want to end it. its not done yet so if i really wanted i could still change my mind but im not sure.